Best Part

PART 22

HIS POV ( LISTEN TO MY VALENTINE FOR FEELS )

I can't stay still.

I've been pacing back and forth in front of Travis, thinking about what's happening to Emily.

"I'm so fucking worried."

What if she gets tired? What if she can't handle it anymore? I can't wake up one day knowing there's no Emily talking to me anymore because she's already gone permanently.

The truth is, I don't want to lose someone special to me even though I push them away many times. I only push them to test if they're really going to leave me.

Yes, I tried pushing her away, but she's just too consistent in staying with a messed-up person like me. I can't afford to lose someone like her.

"Damn! Bullshit! This is my fault!" I closed my eyes, trying my best to calm myself.

I want to stay calm like Emily told me not to let my emotions get the best of me, but how? I want to be angry at myself. I want to hurt myself. Because of me, this happened to her.

"WHAT WILL I FUCKING DO NOW!" I shouted, frustrated.

There's no Emily around.

No Emily pestering me.

It's so strange.

It's hard to get used to.

This is my fault. I wish we never met. I wish she never saw me in the hospital. Then maybe she could have gotten better. She could have stayed in the hospital recovering instead of coming to my house.

"YOU'RE SO DUMB, TRAVIS! FOR NOT NOTICING!"

I kept punching the wall. I didn't care about the pain. Even though my hand was bleeding, I kept pounding the wall.

Why didn't I notice? Of course, it's because I kept telling Emily I didn't care about her. That she should take care of her own life, even though deep down I really did care.

I just didn't want anyone to feel like I wanted them to stay in my life because I was afraid they'd take advantage of me. They might get used to me and say, "She can't leave me." "She's afraid of losing me." "It's fine to hurt her."

I didn't want to feel that fear again—being so scared of losing someone special in my life while they don't even care if I'm gone or not. It's as if they don't care whether I'm in their life or not.

"Ugh! Fuck! Crap!" I was startled when someone stopped my hand.

I closed my eyes. Please tell me it's Emily.

When I turned around, I saw Gwyn.

Her eyes were swollen, and she was almost crying as she looked at me.

"Go on, Gwyn. Blame me. I know, it's my fault. It's my fault that this happened to Emily. I know I'm worthless and stupid. I know it, Gwyn. I'm an idiot, and I keep blaming myself over and over again for what happened to Emily. It's all my fault she's in the hospital now. I—I know, already... you don't have to remind me." I coldly said, staring into her eyes.

It's my fault again. Whenever something bad happens to the people close to me, it's always my fault. I'm always the one to blame, and I'm the one who always blames myself.

Is this a curse on me that everyone who gets close to me ends up going through something bad? Does this mean I really have to distance myself from others? Am I really destined to be alone?

Instead of blaming me, she slapped me.

"Travis, I'm not here to blame you! I-I'm here to thank you for making Emily happy. I'm here because... I'm thanking you for taking care of Emily when no one else understood her... I'M NOT BLAMING YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"