Best Part

PART 1

HIS POV

I am in the horrible place of my life.

I always shut myself away from the world.

"Bud, you need to eat," he said while giving me the foods. I sighed before turning my head to the left, where I can't see him.

I lost my apettite.

Ayoko na kumain. Ayoko na kausapin kahit na sino. Ayoko na umalis rito sa kama ko. Ayoko na lumabas ng bahay.

I just found myself losing the energy to do things that I used to love.

These past few months, I'm not like my old self and you know what hurts the most? Nobody noticed. Ang sakit lang isipin. They keep saying "huwag ka na malungkot" but did nothing just to make me fine.

Seeing myself changing is the worst. I don't smile the same anymore, I don't laugh that loud anymore and I don't speak a lot anymore. Madalas ko na rin na sabihin sa sarili ko na "hindi naman ako ganito dati.

"I'm not eating that. P'wede ba iwan mo muna ako?" Tumalikod ako mula sa pagkakaharap sa kanya. Narinig ko ang sunod sunod niyang buntong hininga na tila punong puno na sa akin.

"James, give it up..." I whispered. I just want to be alone. I don't want to make people stay with me just because it's their responsibility.

"Bud, you're my brother. Hindi ako mapapagod na alagaan ka--" Padabog kong kinuha ang unan at ibinato sa kanya.

"James, I don't want you to feel that it's your responsibility to take care of me because in the first fucking place, we have our own different fucking lives! You're just my brother! This is the type of life I want to live! Leave me alone! Leave my fucking room! I want to be fucking alone! I don't fucking need you!" I clinched my fist followed by my brows that knitted.

Mayroon talagang oras na wala akong gana sa lahat ng bagay, e. Nakakatamad makipag usap. Tamad na tamad tumayo, maligo at maski kumain. Everything. Wala sa mood. Nakakatamad lahat lahat. Tipong gusto ko lang mapag-isa at walang kumausap sa akin. Ewan ko kung normal ba 'to.

Ayokong may lumalapit sa aking tao. Ayokong may nananatili sa akin dahil lang naaawa sila sa akin. Hindi ko gustong manatili 'yong mga tao sa akin ng dahil lang sa napipilitan sila.

I'm in pain. Deep fucking pain.

I had so much dark days and sleepless nights wondering all the what if's and regrets. Whenever I wake up, I know it's another grumpy morning but I don't have the strength to say it out loud that I'm fucking drowning in my own thoughts.

I just want peace... silence.

I don't want anyone to talk to me. I want to have my inner peace. I'm really having a hard time. I'm drowning. Sad. Pressured. Empty. I wish they could stop from giving me heavy things. I'm loaded. I just want peace for myself, for my heart and for my mind.

"Fine, I'll leave you. Kainin mo 'yan. Kapag kailangan mo 'ko nasa kabilang bahay lang ako. Tumawag ka sa telepono, sasagot agad ako." Hindi ko na lamang siya inimik at naupo sa aking kama.

I combed my light auburn hair.

"Why am I so fucking worthless?"

"Is this the life you wanted me to have?" I laughed sarcastically in front of the mirror.

Why do I have to live if this is the point of living? I don't fucking know where's my happiness at.

I know that there's something wrong with me again because I don't want to get out of my bed. I just want to rest because I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I feel lousy.