Best Part

PART 1

HIS POV

I am in the worst place of my life.

I always shut myself away from the world.

"Bud, you need to eat," he said while giving me food. I sighed and turned my head to the left, avoiding him.

I lost my appetite.

I don't want to eat anymore. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to leave my bed. I don't want to step outside the house.

I just find myself losing the energy to do the things I used to love.

These past few months, I haven't been like my old self, and you know what hurts the most? Nobody noticed. It's painful to think about. They keep saying, "Don't be sad," but they never did anything to make me feel better.

Seeing myself change is the worst. I don't smile the same way anymore, I don't laugh as loudly, and I don't talk as much. I often tell myself, "I wasn't like this before."

"I'm not eating that. Can you just leave me alone?" I turned away from him. I heard his deep sighs, as if he was already tired of dealing with me.

"James, give it up..." I whispered. I just want to be alone. I don't want people to stay with me just because they feel responsible for me.

"Bud, you're my brother. I will never get tired of taking care of you—" I grabbed a pillow and threw it at him in frustration.

"James, I don't want you to feel like it's your responsibility to take care of me because, in the first fucking place, we have our own separate fucking lives! You're just my brother! This is the life I want to live! Leave me alone! Get out of my fucking room! I want to be fucking alone! I don't fucking need you!" I clenched my fists, my brows knitting in anger.

There are times when I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like talking. I don't feel like getting up, taking a bath, or even eating. Everything feels pointless. I'm in a bad mood all the time. I just want to be alone and not have anyone talk to me. I don't even know if this is normal.

I don't want people coming near me. I don't want them staying out of pity. I don't want people staying with me just because they feel obligated.

I'm in pain. Deep fucking pain.

I have had so many dark days and sleepless nights, drowning in thoughts of "what ifs" and regrets. Every time I wake up, I know it's just another miserable day, but I don't have the strength to say out loud that I'm fucking drowning in my own thoughts.

I just want peace... silence.

I don't want anyone to talk to me. I just want my inner peace. I'm really struggling. I'm drowning. I feel sad. Pressured. Empty. I wish people would stop giving me heavy burdens. I can't take it anymore. I just want peace—for my heart, for my mind.

"Fine, I'll leave you. Eat that. If you need me, I'm just in the house next door. Call me, and I'll answer right away." I didn't respond and just sat on my bed.

I combed my light auburn hair.

"Why am I so fucking worthless?"

"Is this the life you wanted me to have?" I laughed sarcastically in front of the mirror.

Why do I even have to live if this is all there is to life? I don't even know where my happiness is.

I know something is wrong with me again because I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to rest. I'm exhausted. I feel sluggish.

Sometimes, I just lie in bed and stare blankly at the ceiling. I have nothing to do but think about my problems over and over again.

I zone out a lot. I don't want to think. I stare into space because I'm so tired of thinking about my endless problems. I just want to rest forever because I'm so, so tired.

James often sees me like this, and he just jokes about it. I wish it was just a joke so I could laugh it off, but it's not.

Whenever I zone out, he always asks, "Are you seeing something we can't see?" I want to answer, "Yes, nothing... but I feel something so heavy that you've never experienced."

"Does happiness even exist in my life?"

I shook my head. Fuck this life. Wait, is this even life? I feel like I'm just a breathing, paralyzed body.

I woke up feeling dizzy.

Nothing changed. I wake up just to go back to sleep again. My life is exhausting. It has no meaning. I'm so tired. I don't want this anymore. I give up.

"Bud, you haven't eaten again, have you?" I just closed my eyes again.

I don't want him to bother me anymore.

I don't want people around me. I want silence, and I can only have that if no one disturbs or talks to me. I don't know why, but I just lost all my energy to talk to anyone.

"Tsk, it's harder to wake someone who's already awake than to wake someone who's asleep." I expected him to leave, but I was wrong.

"Travis, go back to your old self, man." I tried not to listen because I knew he was just going to tell me how fucked up my life is. I'm tired of hearing it. I already know. I don't need him to remind me.

"The gang. We're all waiting for you." I sighed. What's the point of having friends if you never really had a family in the first place?

Funny how I have lots of friends, yet no one was there when I needed someone to cry on the most.

"Fuck, Travis! This isn't you. You're not a loner! You're not the kind of person who spends his whole life locked inside a room! Come back, bud! We fucking miss you!"

I know.

But I can't go back to my old self, especially since I'm missing a part of me.

"You know we're brothers, right? Fuck, ever since we were kids, you were the one protecting me! You're the brother that everyone wishes for, Travis."

No, I'm the person that no one needs.

"You told me you were the strongest brother I had, but look at you now! You're becoming weak. Is this really you, Travis? Answer me! Is this you!?" I stood up and grabbed his collar.

"Don't you fucking dare tell me that I'm weak, James! You have no idea what I've been through. You have no fucking idea... so don't fucking talk like you do!" I pushed him away.

"I don't need anyone's help! Get that in your head, James! What I did for you in the past wasn't something you owe me. I did it because I wanted to. Do you understand?"

"But why won't you let me help you now?! I want to do this, Travis!"

"How many times do I have to say that I don't fucking need anyone in my fucking life because I can fucking live alone without anyone's fucking help!?"

I slammed the door shut and sat down on my bed.

I push people away.

I don't want anyone near me, talking to me as if they genuinely care.

I don't want to deal with fake people again. I don't want to be betrayed. I don't want to be abandoned. I don't want someone cheating on me. That's why I always create distance between me and everyone else.

I wasn't like this before. People knew me as someone funny. I made sure to make at least one person smile every day. I used to be positive, but something tragic happened that turned me into the most negative person.

Three years ago, I was the happiest I had ever been. But in just one snap, everything changed.

I lost them, one by one.

And ever since I lost them, I slowly lost hope in life too.

I lost the will to live.