The Veil

Chapter Eight

Once again, the car ride was silent. 

It wasn't until I closed the door behind me that Tom turned around, my shopping bag that he'd insisted on carrying from the car still in his arms. 

"Are we actually going to talk about why you're mad at me, or is this our friendship from now on? Extremely awkward car journeys to the market?" 

"I'm not mad" I mumbled as I walked passed him, grabbing Sky's food from his arms and walking towards the kitchen. 

He followed, of course, "Really, this is you on a normal day then? Because I seem to remember the last three years being really different, you know?" He said sarcastically. 

I sighed as I put the bag of Sky's things down on the counter top, I took a few unsteady breaths before I turned around, leaning against the counter, as I turned I noticed Tom doing the same thing across the kitchen. 

"Tom, I don't know why I'm mad at you alright? Leaving me alone last night, you didn't say why, Jade looked at you weird and then you just left alright? It hurt, then you lied about it. I didn't think we lied to each other" I glanced down at the floor between us. 

My voice had trailed out towards the end, I'd hoped that Tom hadn't really heard me.

Saying it out loud made it more pathetic, sounded like I couldn't be alone, and if I wasn't careful he was bound to realise sooner or later that I had feelings for him.

"I'm sorry about that Lily." I looked up at him and he shrugged at me. 

"Is that it? That's all I'm getting, you're not even going to explain anything to me?" I was getting mad now, my voice almost a shout. 

"I can't." He shook his head, that stupid hair falling into his eyes again. 

"What the fuck do you mean, you cant? Are you kidding me?" I did shout this time. 

We'd never had a problem talking things through, and I'd never actually had a proper fight with Tom before, but I could see this turning into one. 

Before I could shout anymore, I started to walk out of the kitchen. 

"Shit. Lily, please." Tom grabbed my arm, stopping me from walking out. 

I didn't look at him, "Please what Tom? If you're not going to explain, let go of my arm." I tried to act unaffected by this, but my voice shook and gave me away.

"I liked you when you first moved here. A lot." He blurted. 

I turned around slowly to face him, my eyes wide, just as wide as his seemed to be.

"Okay. And how does that relate to last night?" I asked, completely shocked and completely confused. 

Three yeas ago I'd have given anything to hear him say he liked me, hell probably a year ago. But right now it wasn't making any sense to me. 

"Well, I told Jade, you know, when you first moved in and stuff. And we could all see how hurt you were, how broken you were. I'd just started to feel okay again myself. Jade warned me it wouldn't be a good idea. To tell you. Because if things went bad, then we'd both be messed up again." He took a shaky breath, his hands shaking also. 

"You didn't see me before, but before Jade and Andrew came here I was a mess. And they helped, and then you helped." He pointed at me, as if I didn't know who I was, he let his arm drop and took in another huge breath. 

"I didn't want to mess things up. Jade made sense. At the time she made sense. And so now when she sees us together like that, she kind of just has to remind me that I have to watch myself around you, that you don't think like that, I can't think like that. " He said it all in a rush, stuttering over some words.

He dragged his hands through his hair, pushing it back and letting out a large breath. 

I was frozen on the spot. What was I supposed to say to all this? Tom had liked me. He'd liked me when I'd liked him. 

I thought I should be mad at Jade, mad at her for telling him all these things about me without me even knowing. But she was completely right. 

I was broken and fucked up. 

I couldn't have handled a relationship back then. I couldn't even handle Tom being with another girl, I'd leave the house to find a distraction, shamefully in the form of alcohol and a boy. 

Shit, I probably still couldn't handle a relationship now. Relationship? He wasn't talking about that!

It hurt to hear this, my head had been all over the place. 

My feelings had never gone away for Tom, they'd just been squashed. Hearing these words now, when my feelings had started to claw at my insides, eat me up more than usual, was confusing more than anything else. 

I'd imagined Tom telling me he liked me, of course I had. 

On more than one occasion, and every time I told him how I felt back, we'd smile and laugh and kiss and we'd be happy. 

So why was this not playing out like that? 

Why couldn't I think of a single thing to say to this boy whom I'd liked for years, telling me he had liked me too?

I was still in pain, especially lately. 

The nightmares, the things I was seeing and feeling, I was confused and hurt more than usual over my parents. 

The dreams, the damn dreams were taking me back to three years ago. 

"I think I'm going to get an early night." I surprised even myself when I said it, but before I could even think of anything else, I was out the kitchen door and almost running up the stairs to my room. 

Sky was already in there, so I closed the door quickly, sliding down to the floor while leaning on it. I took a few deep breaths, they were shaky and quickening. 

When I heard Jade and Andrew return, I didn't know if Tom was going to tell them what had happened. 

I wasn't even sure what had happened myself. Tom used to like me. So now when we spend time together Jade has to remind him that I'm a fucking mess? 

In case what, he catches feelings for me again? 

Fuck.