Troublemaker

Its just a bad day

Gracie's medicine is kicking in, she's already feeling a lot better. Mine on the other hand isn't working. I've been taking my depression and anxiety medicine but so far today it hasn't helped. I woke up feeling off and it hasn't gotten better. I showered and got ready for the day, nothing. I went down for breakfast and couldn't finish it. My demons are extra loud which is resulting in anxiety. Demi's been busy so she hasn't noticed and Marissa, well she's hardly ever home. It's not what you think, she and Demi are happy everything's fine. Her job requires her to go down to Dallas a lot. It's lunch time now which means I'll have to tackle food again. I grab stuff to make salad and put that together. I eat slowly, and try not to listen to my demons. Halfway through tears are streaming down my face and I can't eat any more. I quickly clean up my stuff then go check on Gracie. My demons are screaming at me to purge but I haven't yet and really don't want to. I get on Twitter to see what's going on and read through my dm's. Almost every single one of them is negative. I start crying again and run to my bathroom. I tear it apart looking for a razor. As soon as I find one (which was difficult I might add) I break it and hold the blade to my wrist. One side of me is saying don't do it but my demons are screaming at me to do it. My demons are stronger so I slide the blade across my wrist, it's not good enough. I keep doing it until a good chunk of my arm is covered, and I hear people moving around nearby. I grab a towel and get the bleeding to stop then throw it in my hamper. After hiding my blade I go see what's going on.

"Hey I hope it's okay that I brought Bea over" maddies says as I walk downstairs

"Yeah that's fine" I say. Maddie and Bea go upstairs and I go up to the music room. By spending most of my day in there I get a lot of writing done. Gracie slept through most of the songs I played but she enjoyed some.

It's dinner time now, which means eating with the family. I'll have to hide the fact that I'm struggling from Demi and it's really hard to do that. Demi called us all down so I'm trying to sit farther away from her. She made chicken, which isn't helpful in my case. She looks at me a few times throughout dinner but I just smile at her. I eat slowly and leave most of it. As soon as I'm done I excuse myself and run upstairs.

My Demons are screaming at me to purge it up and at this point I've given up on fighting, for today at least. After doing what I had to do I clean it up.

"Amanda we need to talk" Demi says as she walks in

"About what?" I ask

"You" she says "what's going on?"

"Nothing" I say

"You know you can come to me" she says "I don't want to see you relapse"

That's when I break down, full on sobbing. Demi pulls me into a hug and holds me tight. She doesn't say anything, just holds me until I calm down.

"Talk to me baby girl" she says once I've stopped crying

"You're going to be so disappointed in me" I say quietly

"Amanda tell me what's going on" Demi says a little more firmly

"I'm just having a bad day" I tell her

"Let me see your wrists" she says

I sigh and roll up my sleeves, Demi looks and tears up.

"Why didn't you come get me?" She asks

"Because you were busy and I know lovatics are anxious for the album" I say

"Baby girl you are way more important than they are, you come first no matter what" she says "how has your eating been?"

"I purged and couldn't finish any meals" I admit

"Baby girl I don't care if I'm in the middle of the most important meeting in my life if you feel like you're going to harm yourself, skip a meal, or throw up you come to me" she says

"Okay" I say

"Promise?" She asks

"Promise" I say

"Good now come back downstairs you need to eat a little more" she tells me

"Mom not tonight I can't do it" I say sincerely

"I shouldn't agree but I will if you promise you'll eat tomorrow" she says

"I promise" I say "will you stay with me the rest of the night?"

"I was already planning on it" she says "but why don't you go to sleep now"

"Okay" I say

I change into some pajamas and climb into bed. Demi climbs in next to me then pulls me into a hug. I fall asleep, feeling safe and content.