Troublemaker

Down The Drain

I can't believe i relapsed over the doctors. That was just stupid.

"well maybe because you are stupid"

Ugh the voices are back this isn't good.

"oh Amanda we never left"

"stop it"

"oh why would i do that? you need someone who is always here since everyone else is going to leave you"

"no they're not stop"

"they don't actually love you come on you know that"

"yes they do"

"why would they? you're fat, and ugly, and have you not seen your scars they look horrible"

"NO STOP GO AWAY"

I'm screaming and crying now. I feel an anxiety attack coming too. No one else is home to help me either.

i get up and look in the mirror. The voices are telling me i m fat and i'm starting to believe it.

"theres only one way to stop us you know"

"i can't"

"come on you know you want to"

"no i don't"

"of course you do"

The voices won't stop so i run in the bathroom and break my razor. Putting the blade to my skin i try stopping the voices again but they're still egging me on. I drag the blade against my wrist once then twice and lastly one more time.

I hear someone come home so i clean up the bathroom and go in my room. The smell of pizza fills the house and i go downstairs.

"Hey momma" i say

"hey kiddo" she smiles

Marissa, Maddie, and Tristanget home so we sit down and eat. After making my plate the voices come back.

"why would you eat? it'll only make you fatter"

I try ignoring my demons but they're only getting stronger. I put down my pizza and excuse myself to the bathroom. I keep trying to shut them up but they won't stop.

"throw it up you'll be skinnier"

These words keep replaying in my head so i lean over the toilet. Two fingers go down my throat and i throw up everything i've eaten today. After throwing up i lean against the wall and start crying. All the hard work i put into recovery is down the drain.

"Amanda are you okay?" Maddie asks

"yeah i'll be out soon" i tell her

I clean up the bathroom and brush my teeth.

"are you sure you're okay?" Maddie asks

"yeah fine" i tell her

I go in my room and go to sleep.

DEMI POV

Theres something off about Amanda. Ever since dinner shes been distant and its worrying me. I walk up to Amandas room and see her asleep on her bed. I sit down next to her and push her hair out of her face. Her cheeks are tear stained.

I decide to check her wrist and find three more cuts.

my poor baby

I lay down next to her and cuddle up to her. Soon sleep comes over me.

AMANDA POV

I wake up to mom cuddled up to me. She has tear stained cheeks.

"mommy" I say softly

"Amanda" she mumbles

"i need to pee" i state

Demi rolls off of me and i get up. When i come out of the bathroom Demi's sitting up.

"we need to talk" she says

"uh okay" i say

I sit next to her on the bed.

"how've you been?" she asks me

"fine" i lie

"are you sure?" she asks

"yeah" i lie again

"Amanda tell me the truth" she sighs

"i am" i tell her

"amanda i know you're lying" Demi says

"i can't tell you, you'll be disappointed" I tell Demi

"Honey i need to know whats bothering you so i can help you" Demi says

"i can't" i say

I feel myself start to cry and Demi pulls me into a hug.

"i know you cut last night" Demi whispers

"i'm sorry mommy" i say in between sobs

"don't apologize baby girl" Demi tells me "but tell me whats going on in your head"

"they're back and they won't go away" i say between sobs

"baby you need to stay open with me i can help you through it" Demi says

"i'm sorry" I say

"come on lets go get some breakfast" Demi suggests

"i'm not hungry" I tell Demi

"i'll help you eat" Demi says

Demi takes my hand and we go downstairs. I sit at the table and Demi brings me a bowl of cereal. I take a bite and my demons start screaming at me.

"i can't" i say

i try to get up but demi doesn't let me.

"you can do it" Demi says

I take another bite and Demi keeps talking to me until i finish.

"i have to pee" i announce

Demi takes my hand and leads me over to the couch. She puts on sonny with a chance for me but i start crying.

"baby i know how hard it is to keep your food down with your demons screaming at you but i'm not letting you go down that road again" Demi tells me

"i'm scared" i say

"of what?" demi asks

"not being able to recover again" I confess

"you will baby i know it" Demi tells me

"mommy can i take a nap?" i ask

"of course" Demi says

i fall asleep almost immediately.

DEMI POV

I'm terrified of the path Amandas on. I want to help her but i'm afraid i won't be able to a second time. As i clean up the thought of rehab crosses my mind. I don't want to see amanda have to go to rehab but it would help her a lot.