Finding Me

Fuck Love

I cried myself to sleep that night, the pain rushed in and it didn't leave, almost unbearable. I wake up to a loud bang. I spring up in bed, my eyes opening wide. I look around the room, my nerves settling. A small pang restarts in my head. I've had this headache all night. My eyes are soar, I place my fingers gently over them, the skin puffy. I shift placing my feet on the cold floor. I sigh getting up and stretching my cramped bones. I hear hushed voices outside my door. My aunt and uncle must be back. I pull open the door, my aunt stands there a smile on her face.
"Hey" she cheers pulling me into a tight hug.
"I missed you" she mumbles against my hair. The sentiment brings a rush of tears to my eyes. The tears fall before I have time to stop them.
"What's wrong?" She pulls away looking confused.
"Kai cheated on me" I sob, the tears shaking my tired body. Her face drops, her ways wide. She guides me to the couch, not saying a word. She sits me down.
"What happened?" She asks, her voice calm. I tell her the whole story every detail I know at least. She doesn't say anything just nods occasionally. Silence stretches out between us, then suddenly she stands.
"I have no words" she says her voice hard
"How dare he" she adds, I don't think I've seen her this angry before. Her face is stone cold, and she's pacing the small living room distance.
"I haven't gotten his side of the story yet" I admit, she pauses
"That's okay, you take your time" she assures, moving to caress my cheek slightly.
"Vi" my uncle pops in, I turn he's smiling but his face drops as he notices the anger in the room.
"What's wrong" he asks
"Kai stuff" I say, not wanting to go into detail again, he scrunches his nose in distaste.
"Do you need me to beat him?" He asks and it makes me smile.
"Yes" I reply, he nods moving to kiss the top of my head.
"I'm sorry" he says, I nod.
"I have to head to work see you two tonight" he pecks aunt V and heads out.
"Hey, honey I need you to know this isn't your fault" she says moving to run her fingers through my messy hair. Honestly I was thinking maybe I'd done something or maybe I wasn't good enough, but it made me feel too pathetic to admit out loud. I nod standing.
"I need a shower" I say, she nods looking sympathetic.  I lock myself in the bathroom, and hop into the steaming shower. The heat relaxes my tense bones, and releases the pressure that's been building. A vivid imagine of Kai pops into my head, and a stabbing pain shoots through me. I let a sob escape. I push away the sadness, hopping out of the shower. I dress quickly rushing back into bed. I turn over the pillow beside me emanating Kai's cologne. I close my eyes, and my phone starts ringing. I don't think I just pick up the phone.
"Hello" I answer
"Vi?" I hear Kai's voice, my stomach drops. Why did I pick up the phone.
"Vi, you there" he repeats, I sigh loudly, my skin flushed.
"Please just listen" he adds
"I'm so sorry, you have no idea how sorry I am. I know there's no excuse so I'm not gonna make one but I'm so so sorry. I love you" he blurts out. The I love you leaves my heart actually aching in my chest.
"Please just meet me somewhere and I'll explain as much as I can" he adds, it feels like an iron wall shut inside me. The silence stretches between us, I want to say no or just hang up, but I think I need to know what happened.
"7 tonight, the dock" I say before hanging up quickly. My heart beats loudly in my chest, I shut my eyes quickly blocking away the tears about to fall.
...
I walk slowly towards the dock, my legs shaking slightly. Why was I so nervous, my heart was pounding so loudly I was scared he was gonna hear it. I spot him before he sees me, his backs turned towards me. I stop, a wave of nausea hits me. I shake out my fingers and hold my head up. No way was he gonna see me upset. He turns just as I stop at the end of the dock. His dark circles seem more prominent under his eyes. His hair is messy and he just looks exhausted. A pang of sadness rushes through me, but I quickly shake it away. I need to be angry, not sad or forgiving.
"Hey" he stutters, his voice is hoarse. I don't say anything my mouth is clamped shut.
"I get that you don't want to talk to me, I wouldn't either" he starts I want to roll my eyes and run the other way, but I'm weighted to the dock.
"I didn't kiss her Vi, I swear. I, she kissed me and I pushed her off immediately. It was hardly a kiss just a peck. I should have told you and I'm so sorry I just couldn't lose you again" he blurts, his eyes are glossy, and my stomach clenches. I want so badly to reach for him, to just forget everything. Embarrassment blossoms around me and I take a step back.
"I'm so sorry, please I'm" his voice cracks and he closes his eyes taking a deep breath.
"I know you're sorry" I finally say, my voice stronger than I expected. His eyes spring open and he looks so hopeful.
"I want to believe that what you're saying is true, but the fact is I'll never know. And now I don't trust you" I say
"I'm being honest" he urges
"How could I possibly believe you Kai! You looked me in the eye after that happened and acted like nothing happened. You let me believe that nothing happened. I trusted you so much Kai, and you broke that completely" I explain.
"Please don't do this" he mutters, my heart shatters at how sad he sounds.
"I can't do it anymore Kai, I'm so angry at you" my voice wavers slightly. He nods, his jaw set tightly.
"I love you Violet" he states. I shift pulling him into a hug, his arms wrap tightly around me, and he buries his head into my neck. I pull away, turning to leave. I hold back the wave of tears that swells behind my eyes. As I step into the car, I break down, the sobs rack my body. My heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest. Fuck this!