Finding Me

New

I wake up gasping for air, my heart squeezing tightly in my chest. I spring out of bed, gripping tightly onto my bedsheets. My skin is slick, and I can feel the heat crawling up my back. I can feel the loud thud of my heart, and the swirling of my blood in my veins. Heat seems to erupt over me, the air I'm sucking in feels hot, and thick. I look around my darkroom, trying to focus on anything, but it all swirls around me. I close my eyes instead, focusing on my breathing. In and out, in and out, I repeat over in my heat. I don't realize but I'm speaking it out loud, the words loud enough to hear over my pounding heart. I don't hear the door open, or Dylan's footsteps, but I do feel his arms wrap around me. I do hear his soft whisper in my ear as he holds me tightly. I shift, placing my head on his chest, so I can listen to his strong heartbeat. I run my hand across his arm holding onto his sleeve tightly. My breathing finally starts to even out, the sound of Dylan's heartbeat seems to bring me back to reality. When my head stops swirling, and the gravity of the situation falls on me, I quickly release Dylan's sleeve. I sit back against my headboard. I can only make out some of his features in the dark, but I know he's worried.
"I'm okay" I exhale, my voice shaky and uneven. He nods slowly, his eyes blaring into mine. I want to look away, and just tell him to leave, but even more I want him to wrap his arms around me.
"I'm okay" I repeat instead, my stomach clenching. He slips off the bed, without a word, shutting the door lightly behind him. I bring my knees to my chest, and rock back and forth. I don't sleep that night, the night seems to twist into dawn, in what feels like an extended minute. I push the blankets off me, and walk to the back door. The sun is just starting to rise, and the waves crash melodically against the sand. I open the door, and I'm met with the salty breeze, that washes over me. I shiver, but continue down toward the sand. My hair flies around my face, and the closer I get to the water, the harder the wind blows. I can feel the ocean spray from a couple feet away, it chills my warm skin. I freeze just before the water, digging my toes into the soft sand. The waves crash and fall at my feet, causing goosebumps to break out onto my skin. The sound of the crashing waves envelopes me, making me smile. I continue forward, the water now at my knees. The waters cold, cold enough to make a shiver rack my body, but I continue. The water at my hips, with ripples bouncing around me. The waves seem to calm down, now just a slight peak above the water before rippling out. I continue walking until the water covers my mouth, my nose just above. I lean back letting my hair fall into the water, my feet lifting off the sandy bottom. The after waves rock me side to side gently, as the water laps over my stomach. I keep my eyes on the sky, waiting for the familiar streak of orange to burst over the clouds. When it does, I smile widely, loving the feeling of calm that's washed over me so quickly. The fear of last night washed away with the water, and now I'm left in this moment.
...
My clothes are heavy with water, and they drip as I walk. The back sliding door creaks louldy when I walk in. I hear footsteps rushing, and Dylan comes into view. He looks frantic, and he has a bat in his hand.
"Jesus!" He breathes, dropping the bat, I smile despite myself.
"What the fuck?" He asks.
"What?" I ask. The air around me is cold making me shiver again.
"You scared the shit out of me, I thought you were asleep it's only seven!" He exclaims
"I was up before sunset and I.. went swimming" I explain, his eyes widen just slightly.
"You went swimming before dawn?" He asks, I nod wrapping my arms around myself.
"Oh," he nods, his eyes roaming over me. I walk past him, my shiver uncontrollable now. I change quickly wrapping my hair in a towel, and putting on my comfiest sweater. I head to the kitchen for some much needed coffee. The aroma of coffee emanates through the small house.
"I already made you one" Dylan says as I notice a mug on the countertop.
"Thank you" I smile gratefully. His eyes are stuck to me as I sit down, it makes me blush.
"How are you feeling?" He asks. He looks worried, and I can tell he's been thinking about this a lot.
"I'm okay" I say, and he sighs loudly, rolling his eyes.
"I was there last night, you can't really lie to me!" He exclaims sounding exasperated.
"Dylan, you know I have anxiety but I'm fine" I stutter, staring into my mug.
"I thought we were going to be friends Violet" he says arms crossed. His face is hard, and unreadable. He shifts then walking towards me, placing his hands on the counter.
"I still care about you, you were my best friend and now everything's awkward and you can't even look at me!" He expresses, his voice cracks. I can feel my heart squeeze in my chest. He looks so sincere it makes my breath hitch.
"I'm.. I'm sorry" I croak, my heart hammering.
"I don't want you to be sorry, I want to know that you're okay, that we're okay?" He sighs closing his eyes tightly. I can see the tension in his posture. I reach out to grab his hand squeezing it tightly.
"We're okay" I respond, my voice steadier than I expected. He opens his eyes, and they look glossy.
"Are you okay?" He asks again, I look down at the counter and shake my head. He lets go of my hand and before I know it he's pulling me into a tight hug. I grip tightly onto him, trying not to read to much into this.
"What's wrong?" He asks, and I open my mouth but instead of words a choked cry comes out. He squeezes me tighter. How can I tell him that seeing him with Elle broke me. That I feel completely alone. That I miss him so much, my body actually hurts. Instead I grip him tighter burring my head in his chest. We stay like that for a long time, just holding onto a semblance of our friendship.
...
I watch as he concentrates on the tv, flipping the channel. His eyes are light, and his tongue sticks out just slightly. He hums when he lands on a channel he likes, placing the remote on the side of the couch. He crosses his arms his concentration turning to amusement. His eyes stay trained on the TV as he grabs my legs placing them on his lap. He grabs the throw placing it over both of us. Warmth spreads through me as he grabs onto my calf squeezing slightly. He bites down on his lower lip, a thing he does when he's focused on something. I try to push away the urge to kiss him, telling myself we're just friends. I realized today that I need him even if it's just as friends.