Finding Me

Anxiety

A pounding headache wakes me up. I shift, and immediately regret it my stomach tightens and a wave of nausea hits me. I open one eye, and the sun shines brightly over the room. I groan loudly, and slowly sit up. Everything around me spins, and I have to hold onto my bedside table to stabilize myself. I look around my room, and find my clothes scattered everywhere. I rub the sleep from my eyes, and slowly try to stand. Zombie-like I walk to the bathroom, my stomach twisting tighter with every step. I hear a door creak open, and I turn in the direction of the noise. I see Elle walking out of Dylan's room, wearing his shirt with her clothes tucked into her arm. She has a wide smile on her face, as she shuts the door quietly. My stomach suddenly twists, and the nausea hits me with brutal force. I rush to the bathroom, my head spins violently. My vision is blurred and my throat burns. I can taste all the drinks from last night, bringing another bout of nausea over me. I clutch the cold porcelain, catching my breath. I don't realize I'm crying until I can taste the salt on my lips, it only makes me cry harder. I hear a soft knock on the door, but it doesn't really register until the second knock.
"Vi" Dylan's voice is muffled by the door. I shift so I'm leaning against the door, my stomach finally settling.
"Vi, are you okay?" He asks again. I close my eyes and the vivid image of Elle pops into my head.
"I'm fine" I spit out
"Do you want some water?" He asks, and his concern only makes me feel worse. I tuck my knees to my chest, holding in a sob. I can feel the tears threatening to drop. I suck in a shaky breath, calming my frayed nerves before I answer.
"I'm okay, I'll be out soon" I squeak, hopefully, he chalks it up to my hangover. I can hear his footsteps retreating, and I let the tears fall. It only makes my head pound harder, but I can't make them stop. Not when all I can see is Dylan and Elle, my imagination taking over. I stand up, my legs far from steady, but I grip the counter to help.  I look at my haggard reflection. My eyes are puffy, and bloodshot. I touch under my eyes, the coolness of my fingertips making me sigh in relief. I try to push down my matted hair, but I can't find the energy, my arms aching. I turn the tap to freezing water, and with shaky hands I wash my face. The pounding in my head wins out over my need to be away from Dylan, so I head to the kitchen. His back is to me, he's cooking something on the stovetop. I don't say anything just walk to the medicine cabinet. He must hear my loud footsteps because he turns, and gives me a wide smile.
"Rough morning?" he asks, a sympathetic look on his face. "Not for you" I think bitterly, but instead I nod. The Advil is on the top shelf and when I try to reach up, dizziness takes over.
"Here" His hand goes to my waist, and I sping back, my stomach clenching. He looks confused, but he doesn't say anything, just hands me the bottle.
"Thank you" I mutter, my voice barely above a whisper. He moves back to the stove, his body tense. I grab some water, and start back to my room.
"Did you want me to make you some toast?" He asks before I go.
"No, I just need to sleep" I respond, tears in my eyes. I rush back to my room, tunneling under my blankets. The realization that Dylan's moved on hits me with full force, and I can't help the sobs that escape me. The sobs lull me back to sleep, and I spend the whole day in and out of sleep. I vaguely remember hearing a knock at my door, but my body was glued to the mattress, and I didn't have the energy to answer. 
...
I crack open one of my eyes, and the sun shines brightly through my room. I look at my clock, and realize it's eight in the morning. I slept for a full twenty-four hours, and now I feel worse. I sit up, stretching my cramped bones. I want to stay in bed, until the image of Elle doesn't cause me to feel sick, but I have to work. I get dressed quickly, feeling a bit lightheaded I head to the kitchen. I'm relieved when I don't see Dylan. I brew a coffee while I toast a bagel for me. My stomach growls loudly, the hunger pains finally hitting me.
"You're alive" I hear Dylan's voice behind me, and I freeze. My toast pops up, and I quickly transfer it to a paper towel.
"Ya" Is all I say. I can hear him step closer and pull out a chair.
"You must be starving, you didn't eat anything yesterday" He continues, and all I want is to leave.
"Ya I just was not feeling good yesterday" I responded hoping that's enough of an answer for him to stop, but who am I kidding it's not.
"That's all?" He asks tentatively. I turn to him finally, and the concern on his face fills me with rage. He can't act like he cares when he did what he did the other night.
"Yup" I respond, my voice hard. I pour my coffee, and grab my bagel ready to run to my car at this point.
"I thought we were going to be friends" He says as I start walking. I stop, pushing back a wave of tears.
"We are friends" I say quickly before rushing off as fast as possible.
...
Laney is sitting in my chair when I walk in, I should actually say spinning since that's more accurate. She stops when she hears the door shut, a wide smile on her face.
"Morning" She cheers hands in the air.
"Morning" I respond placing my bag on the countertop.
"No offense but you look haggard" Laney states leaning in to examine my face.
"Thanks" I grimace, she stands and I take the seat sighing. She looks me over a quizzical look on her face. I turn away pulling the files onto my desktop.
"What's going on?" She asks, her voice concerned.
"Nothing, just tired" I smile up at her.
"Vi, Dylan texted me, he said you didn't leave your room yesterday at all" She exclaims, and I snort.
"Dylan should mind his own business" I state harshly
"He was worried" She responds quietly
"Well he shouldn't be, and either should you" I retort exhausted. I can tell she's surprised, and I know I'm being harsh, but I'm angry, so angry.
"I have a lot of work to do" I add, looking away from her. She doesn't say anything, but I can hear her boots on the tiled floor. I decided that work is a good distraction, especially when I get into it. I reorganize file after file in alphabetical order, just so I don't have a minute to sit and wallow. Laney doesn't come to my desk at lunch, and I'm thankful, I don't want to say anything else I might regret. I stay late even, not ready to go home and deal with my anger, my very pointed anger. I spot Laney walking out, she turns to me a small smile on her face.
"See you tomorrow" She waves, I wave back guilt racing through me, but still I don't call after her to apologize. Dylan's car is in the driveway when I get in, and I contemplate leaving again, I would if I didn't spot Kai's car. My heart beats wildly in my chest, why would he be here, what are they talking about. I rush inside, my anxiety racing.
"Hello" I walk in, shutting the door behind me.
"In the kitchen" Dylan calls, and for some reason I feel like I'm walking into a trap. I walk slowly to the kitchen, scared at what I'll find. I see Dylan first, he's laughing, and then I see Kalani, and I feel like I can breathe.
"Hey" I huff, she turns a wide smile on her face.
"Hey, sorry I didn't text, I was bored" Kalani smiles kindly
"No, it's fine, I'm just gonna go change" She nods, and I catch Dylan's eyes. He still looks concerned, but I quickly look away and walk to my room. I slide against my door, feeling my anxiety start to crash over me like a wave. I close my eyes and take deep breathes, but I already know this one is bad.