Finding Me

Surf

I get angrier with each passing day, the photo is burned into my mind and no matter what I do it doesn't seem to leave. Then that day on the dock, how upset he looked just seems so fake. like he was placating me. I feel played and embarrassed. I'm imagining him laughing at everything and the embarrassment infuriates me. I've decided to go surfing by myself just to get my mind off everything. The beach is pretty crowded so I decide to swim farther out, needing the space. The waves sway me side to side, a slight breeze rushes around me. I take a deep breath letting the salty air calm my frayed nerves. I look down at my surfboard, the green has already faded quite a bit since I've gotten it. The day I bought it flashes through my head vividly.
...
"No I need one" I assure laughing loudly, he pulls me in by the waist placing his head in the crook of my neck.
"You can just have an old one of mine" he says his voice muffled.
"No I want my own, come on I need your help" I say rushing forward to the boards pinned on the wall. He follows behind, his cheeks flushed.
"What about this one?" He asks pointing to a neon pink one, I shove him.
"No, that's totally not me" I copy a valley girls voice, he chuckles. We've actually spent most of our time indoors lately so I've made him promise to take me surfing more. We can't seem to get enough of each other. We walk opposite ways. I graze my fingers against the boards, relishing in the smoothness if it. My eye catches on a board, it's white with green edges. A light green, not so blatant to be neon but not so dark to be forest like. The colour intrigues me, and it seems calming almost.
"What about this?" I call to Kai, I turn and he has one in his arms.
"This one?" He asks, he has the same board in his hands.
"Bullshit" I say, he laughs loudly, his eyes glossy.
"You saw me" I cross my arms.
"Ya I did but I also liked this one" he chuckles I shove him
"Hey I could fall" he says, I roll my eyes.
"We'll get this one" I tell the guy behind the counter, he nods slowly, almost methodically.
"You're an ass" I smile, he pulls me in, pecking my lips softly. A tingle works it's way through me.
"You like it"
...
The memory feels sharp, and my stomach twists in pain. I push away the painful memory, instead I focus on the giant wave coming my way. I spend all day out there. The waves are harsh today, but it comforts me, motivates me to keep moving. I finally come in when my fingers are prunes and I can hardly hold my body up. I place my board in the sand moving to grab my bag and towel. I start wiping down my body, when I notice someone coming my way.
"Hi" I hear, I look up and see a tall brunette guy smiling down at me.
"Hi" I reply, my voice flat. I just wanted to get home.
"Sorry I know this is.. well weird but I just wanted to tell you, you looked awesome out there" he states. I notice how nervous he looks.
"Thanks" I smile back, he nods awkwardly.
"So are you staying for the bonfire?" He asks,
Sounding hopeful. He steps closer to me. I notice he's objectively cute, his smile seems innocent enough, that it makes up for his almost fuckboy looks.
"I wasn't planning on it" I say, he nods running a hand through his hair.
"Oh, well you should" he says, his smile back. A part of me really wants to stay and just forget about how much my heart hurts, but I know I can't. It's too soon, and I'm not that kind of person even if he is.
"I'm actually exhausted, maybe another time" I say, he nods
"Can I have your number?" He calls after me, as I start making my way home.
"No sorry" I turn and smile back at him, he nods still smiling widely. The walk home is short, but my arms are exhausted, and I'm so hungry. My aunt and uncle are on the couch watching a movie when I walk in, they both turn.
"Hey" aunt V smiles.
"Hey, sorry if I missed dinner" I say tying up my wet hair.
"No that's okay, there's left over pasta in the fridge" she says, I nod. I grab the Tupperware of pasta, ready to burrow into my bed.
"How are things?" She asks
"Okay, I'm exhausted." I respond, they both nod.
"We're here if you need to talk"
"Thank you" I head to my room, and smile when I hear my aunt laugh at something on the TV. I quickly change and decide I'll wash my hair tomorrow I'm too tired today. I pile the blankets on me and turn on Netflix. I flip through the movies but obviously decide on The Office. I settle back taking a huge bite of the pasta, while Micheal gets roasted by everyone on the show. I'm basically asleep when my phone rings out loudly, scaring the shit out of me. I reach over grabbing it off my side table.
"I miss you" Kai writes, my heart pounds in my chest. How could he after that post! I want to respond something mean and terrible but my fingers don't move. I'm stuck staring at the I miss you text, feeling even more sad than before. Of course I miss him, how could I not. But the truth is he isn't what I though he was. My sadness and longing for him is replaced with embarrassment quickly. I shove my phone away, turning back to the TV. I hear a small knock, and I freeze. I heard my aunt and uncle go to bed hours ago. I wait to hear it again. A small knock sounds at the window, and my heart stops. Is Kai here?! I walk to the window, my heart beating loudly. I open it a crack just to see.
"Hey, can I come in" I hear Dylan's voice, I release the breath I was holding.
"Jesus, ya come in" I say opening the window wider. He crawls in, his lanky body twisting through the window.
"Hey" I say, he stands a bit breathless.
"Hey, sorry I didn't want to wake your aunt and uncle" he exclaims. I nod, getting back into bed, he follows.
"What's up?" I ask
"I was gonna ask you that I haven't heard from you all day" he says, I nod pulling my knees up to my chest.
"Sorry I was out surfing all day" I explain
"'No it's okay, I was just worried" he replies.
"Sorry that I've been worrying you lately. I know it's been a lot, I've been a lot. So thanks for being there" I blurt, he looks shocked.
"I'm your friend you don't have to thank me for that" he smiles, I nod, and lean my head on his shoulder.
"The Office, nice choice" he says
"Obviously"
"Shut up, also Kalani has been asking about you" he says, I sit up.
"Why can't she just text me?" I ask
"She probably feels weird" he states.
"What has she been asking?" I ask, leaning my head back against him.
"Just how you are, she misses you" he says
"Ya, well we could be friends but she's acting weird" I say. I felt him nod.
"It's a weird situation Vi"
"Have I been annoying to her?" I ask as guilt wraps around me.
"I think she wants to protect her brother, and even if you guys are friends, he's still her brother and that goes both ways" he explains, and it makes sense. Maybe I've also been weird, I mean how could she possibly be indifferent on the subject, how could either of us.
"You're smart" I laugh
"I know"