Overdose

37. Yvonne Mcreary

 My conversation with Damion and Lilith seemed to have been foreshadowing something. Rose had woken me up about a week after I had arrived and asked me about going back to Elbridge.

I told her that I wasn't sure. I was still dealing with the death of my mother, and knowing that she had been killed because of me was only making me feel worse. However, when we escaped, I had Dr. Evelyn steal some pills. They would help with my emotions, and stop me from getting too over emotional. She had told me that she didn't think it was a good idea, but I didn't think about it too much. I was too focused on making sure that I wasn't going to spontaneously combust. It seemed that the medicine was doing its job. I was careful not to take too many.

When I told Tristan that I might be going back to Elbridge, he had asked me about the other people in The Facility. I had told him about Veronica, Heath, Marina, and the other Prodigials in Containment, and he told me that he was wondering if anyone new had come after me. I told him that I wasn't too sure, as a lot was happening while I was in The Facility. When I asked him why, he told me something that I still think about to this day.

Two more students from Elbridge attempted suicide. One had succeeded, and the other got sent to a mental hospital. Elbridge started taking suicide seriously, or at least, pretending to. They started encouraging students who felt depressed to see a counselor. The issue with this, for me, was that I wasn't sure if there were benevolent or malevolent intentions behind this. If the staff at Elbridge was genuinely oblivious to what was happening behind the scenes, then I was happy that people finally knew there was someone willing to listen to them. But if the staff knew what was going on, then they were willingly sending broken and naive kids to their death. Tristan told me that the news heavily emphasized the fact that neither of these kids were on Mutanol, and allowed those two suicides overshadow mine.

I felt guilty. I'll never know for sure if my death gave these kids the push they needed, or if that was something that was going to happen regardless, but the timing was way too coincidental for me.

As I sat in what used to be Evan's room (which, according to Tristan, had not been changed since his death), I thought about it. I knew that I was going to have to try and go back to a normal life, or as normal as possible. I decided to get my mind off of it, and started looking around Evan's room.

It wasn't the most decorated room. He didn't have many posters on his wall, no bands or video game posters. On his dresser he had a picture of him, Tristan, Mrs. Rose, and his dad. I picked the picture up, looking at it. Evan was smiling in it, his arm around Tristan's shoulders. It was your stereotypical, sunny day at the beach picture.

I don't want to sound cliche, but everyone looked so happy in that picture. I had never seen Evan smiling. I thought it was something that he just didn't do. But I knew that was a lie.

I set the picture down, but accidentally knocked over a book. I reached behind the dresser and grabbed it, but instead I grabbed another book. It was a journal, with the word "Maths" written on it. I opened the book and flipped through it. The first few pages were simply just that, math. But as I flipped through it, it seemed to be less and less math and more and more words.

This wasn't some maths book. It seemed to be a diary. A few pages in, I shut it. I felt guilty for even looking at it.

There are things that are meant to stay private. For that reason, I will not be sharing what was in that journal. I never showed it to anyone. Not Tristan, not Mrs. Rose, no one. I hid it somewhere deep in the dresser, under a bunch of clothes.

There was nothing else on his dresser, but he did have a bookshelf. It was full of texts about animals, mainly birds. I took one of them out. It was a book about the rarest birds in the world.

"Dad bought him that one." I jumped up, dropping the book. Tristan leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed. He walked over and picked up the book, looking through it. "You're jumpy. Are you up to something?"

"No, I was just looking...through the um..."

"Calm down." He put the book back and sat on Evan's bed. "Sometimes I look through his stuff, just to remember what he was like. I thought maybe I'd find something that told me why he did it. Why he was so unhappy."

I thought about showing him the journal, but decided not to. "Sometimes you just don't know."

"I blame myself sometimes. I know my mom blames herself. My dad did too, before he died. I wish he would have just talked to me. I could have prevented it if I had just paid attention to him, or took the time out of my day to just ask him how he was doing."

He went silent for a moment, and then looked at me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." I sat next to him.

"Why did you do it? Do you blame anyone?"

"Well, it's complicated." It felt like such a stupid answer but it was the truth. "I blamed a lot of people. I blamed Tiegan, I blamed my mom, I blamed the drunk driver that killed James. I blamed so many people. But, if there's someone I really blame, it's myself. When I took those pills, so many thoughts ran through my mind. It was that moment that I realized I didn't want to end my life, I wanted to end my suffering. But I want you to know that I looked through some of the files from The Facility, and the medicine that your brother was on increased his depression. It was making him more and more depressed and I believe that's really what made him kill himself."

I didn't actually know if this was true. I knew that Evan was on the Mutanol, but I had know way of knowing if this is what actually led to him taking his life.

"You really think that?" Tristan sniffled. I had never seen Tristan cry, or really show much emotion.

"Yes." I lied.

I knew Evan was going to give him another answer, but for now that one would work.

"Listen, Tristan, this is a conversation you should have with your brother. He'd be able to explain everything better."

It's what I should have said the first time.

Tristan nodded. "Thank you." He stood up and walked over to the door and then paused. "I'm sorry. I know I probably sounded like a dick the other day. I'm happy you made it out. I just wish that..."

"You don't have to say anything. I know."

"Hey, do you want to maybe come to Erron Park with Kieran and I? You can bring your friends, if you want."