Overdose

45. Yvonne Mcreary

After art, I went to the second hall bathroom. It took me a moment, though. I didn't want to walk in, remembering what happened the last time I was there. My body got a chill walking in, and I looked around as if Tiegan was hiding in there.

I called Evan. I knew he was home, but I also knew he was with Nathaniel. I didn't want to talk with Evan if Nathaniel would be listening to the conversation, but I needed a friend.

He picked up on the first ring. "Hello? Yvonne, is something wrong?"

"No, I just needed to hear your voice. I still can't believe we're really back in Ivingly."

I heard him sigh on the other end. "I know. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up in that bright white room."

We both went silent for a bit.

"What do you think about Nathaniel?" He finally asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Do you think there's something off about him?"

I thought about the unsettling conversation I had with Nathaniel about my parents. It made me shudder just thinking about it.

"Yvonne, are you there?" He snapped me back to reality.

"Yeah, sorry. Um, I do think that maybe he might not be the most chaotic good person, but maybe it's just because-"

"He said something to you about your parents, didn't he? Be honest."

I nodded, then remembered he couldn't see me nod. "Yes, he did. I'd rather not give you the full transcript."
"You don't have to. I have a good idea of what he said." He let out a small laugh. "Is it too much to ask for one good person?"

"I guess it is." I leaned against the wall and slid down. The cold floor seemed inviting.

"This might seem completely unbelievable, but being home isn't as great as I thought it was going to be."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for starters, seeing what my absence has done to my mother and brother has made me feel so guilty. And I just, I feel so odd not waking up to the sound of Xander telling me that I have to hurt someone."

"I thought you would be happy about that."
"I am. I don't know. I think I'm just taking a while to adjust. And it's not easy with Nathaniel reminding me that I am the reason for everything bad that's happened to my family."

I wanted to tell him that Nathaniel was wrong, that he wasn't the reason. But I was thinking the same thing as well. I had done something horrible to my mother, and when I tried to get back to her I got her killed instead. Mrs. Rose could tell me that wasn't true, that I wasn't to blame, but I knew I was. But my mother also did something horrible to me as well. When I needed her most, she decided to go out and get drunk with her friends. She had left me. She was a terrible mother.

My thoughts spiraled. Coupled with the anger of everyone trying to pretend that they cared about me so they could get clout, my thoughts were joining together to create one simple overall feeling.

Shame. I was ashamed of myself. I let my mom neglect me. I let her go out and get drunk when she was supposed to be doing her job as a mother to make sure I was okay. Sure, she took me to therapists, but she never just stayed home and talked to me. She never spent any time with me. If she had just talked to me, told me that she loved me maybe I wouldn't have been so depressed. And that therapist. That horrible woman took advantage of me. She gave me medicine that eventually lead to my suicide. I couldn't trust her at all. She knew what she was doing, and she still sat there in that chair asking me how things made me feel. She sat there as I confessed things to her. How my dads dying screwed me up, how my mom didn't care about me. How Tiegan was making my life a living hell. Tiegan. The person who made me hate my body. Because of him I can't wear skirts or anything that shows too much skin. I jump when someone touches me and I don't know who it is. I start hyperventilating everytime I'm in a room with a guy and he makes me uncomfortable. He made me an outcast. If it wasn't for him on that fateful day, I may not have tried to take my life. He gets way with it all, no one says anything to him or stop him. They know what he does to people and they choose to stay quiet. I couldn't let that continue.

"I have to go." I hung up the phone before Evan could respond.

I made a mental reminder to talk to him about Rachel, but at that moment I had more things to worry about.

Nathaniel had made me see things in a different light. I didn't know why he was doing what he was doing, but it was working. Maybe not the way he expected, but something in me was changing. And I wasn't planning on letting people walk over me anymore or tell me what to do. I was going to change things, and if that meant going against my morals, so be it.