Stay With Me {KTH FF}

Lost

But I didn't move from that spot on the floor again until after 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and then, only because I needed the bathroom. 

~🌺~

I didn't think it would be this hard. 

The floor in the kitchen seemed to be where I kept ending up. Maybe because that was where he'd said goodbye? I didn't know.

I didn't want to move. I didn't want to see. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to breath. I didn't want to exist.

I just wanted Taehyung. 

I wanted his smile. I wanted his kiss. I wanted his scent. I wanted his whisper. I wanted his touch. I wanted his voice. I wanted his laugh. I wanted his love. 

But he was gone.

Every moment I'd spent with him, every smile, every touch, every kiss, every word, they all kept playing in my mind... over, and over, and over. 

It was torture. 

But I felt like it would have been 100 times worse if It weren't happening.

I knew he would leave. Why was this so hard? I was prepared.

But I wasn't. 

I never could have been. 

Was he ever really here? Maybe this really was all a dream. I can wake up now, and I'll be okay. Because it was just a dream. None of it really happened. He never kissed me. He never touched me. We never really made love. It was just a dream. 

But it wasn't. I knew it wasn't.

How was I going to carry on? How was I going to wake up each day and get out of bed? How was I going to be the mom my girls needed? How was I going to function? How was I going to survive? How was I ever going to listen to BTS again? 

Oh God, how would I ever watch a video again? How could I see him without breaking down into tears.

I was lost. I had no idea what to do. I just sat on the floor... with no desire to move. I'd rather just stop breathing. I didn't really mean that. I had my daughter's, and they needed me. But if I didn't have them, then yes, I'd rather just stop breathing.

I was suddenly reminded of a song I'd heard once years ago. The chorus, it was... perfect.

I don't wanna live

I don't wanna breathe

'less I feel you next to me

You take the pain I feel

(Wakin' up to you never felt so real)

I don't wanna sleep

I don't wanna dream

Cause my dreams don't comfort me

The way you make me feel

(Wakin' up to you never felt so real)

I couldn't sit on the floor forever. 

Maybe I could. But I knew that I had to get up. I had to pull myself together before my girls got home. I had 9 days to get my shit together, and I have a feeling I'm going to fail miserably.

I miss him so much. I feel lost without him here. I didn't think it would be like this. I knew it would hurt. I didn't know it would feel like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. But it was gone... because Taehyung had taken it with him when he left.

You have to get up Shae. No matter how much it hurts. You knew he would leave. He couldn't have stayed even if he'd wanted to.

But he'd said he couldn't live without me. And then he left. What did that mean? Why did he say it, then leave? He didn't know I'd seen the translation. He didn't want me to know what he'd said. But why?

The only consolation I had was knowing that I would see him during their next U.S. tour, whenever that would be. 

But I didn't know if that was a good thing. Maybe he wouldn't want to see me. Maybe he will have forgotten me by then. Maybe I won't be able to handle seeing him.

If that turned out to be the case, I'd let the girls go to the concert, and I'd just sit in the car. I wouldn't let them suffer because of me.

I got up. I took a few deep breaths. I had stopped crying, for now. I knew I would cry again.

I got a drink of water. Then I found a tissue and blew my nose. I was hungry, but I didn't think I could eat. My stomach was one big knot. 

Even so, I opened the fridge. The rest of the kimchi fried rice was there. And then the tears were back. I swiped them away angrily. I didn't want to cry anymore. I closed the fridge, knowing I couldn't eat anyway.

I walked into the living room. There, on the couch, was the 'love yourself' hoodie he'd been wearing the first day he got here. I had missed it on the way to and from the bathroom, my grief keeping me from seeing anything but what was right in front of me. 

I walked over, and picked it up, holding it up to my face, inhaling deeply, knowing it would smell like him.  

Would I ever stop crying? 

I swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat, but it was still there. I fell onto the couch in a heap, my face buried in his sweatshirt, and at some point, I finally fell asleep... and I dreamed that I was in his arms.

It was the only thing I wanted to dream, but also the last thing I wanted to dream.

~🌸~

I woke up some time later, and like a brick hitting me in the face, everything painful came crashing back into my world. 

Taehyung. 

He was gone. 

I looked at the clock. It was 2am. I couldn't go to bed, because... because...

Oh my God, I'd left him in bed this morning, because he'd been asleep, and I didn't want to wake him. He had looked so peaceful, so beautiful...

Suddenly I remembered something. 

I took my phone out of my pocket, and opened my photo gallery. There was the picture I'd taken of him, sleeping. He didn't even know I'd done it, I hadn't gotten a chance to show him. 

Once again, the tears were there. I was going to spend the rest of my life crying.