Steady Rhythms of Love (Ryker Series #2)

SROL [37]

"I called you that night," I whispered. "I called you because I was broken. I was so lost. Sa'yo ko gustong kumuha ng lakas, Blade. Pero anong ginawa mo? Nakipaghiwalay ka sa akin! You chose to believe that I cheated on you instead of listening to me first! I was fucking miserable, and yet you chose to believe those pictures!"

Sinikap kong huwag siyang tingnan sa mga mata. Sinikap kong huwag tumingin sa kanya. Pero may kung ano sa kanya na hindi ko kayang tumingin.

"Hindi ko alam kung paano ako uuwi." My voice softened. "Hindi ko alam kung paano ako haharap sa mga magulang ko. Pakiramdam ko ang dumi-dumi kong tao."

Unti-unti akong napaupo. Hindi ko na kayang titigan siya sa mga mata.

"At ikaw... sa lahat ng tao, ikaw ang inaasahan kong unang yayakap sa akin para protektahan ako. Pero anong ginawa mo? Tinalikuran mo ako... ikaw ang unang tumalikod sa akin."

"Z-za..."

Nakita ko kung paano siya nag-alangang lumapit sa akin. Kinuyom niya ang nanginginig niyang mga kamay.

"I blamed myself. Kasi nasaktan kita. Kasi naiparamdam ko sa'yong hindi ka sapat. Na may mali sa'yo."

"I'm... I'm s-sorry..."

"Those pictures, hindi ko alam kung kanino galing 'yon. Those were the times when he tried to do something to me. The reason why I couldn't show you my face on the screen. Paano ako haharap sa lalaking mahal ko kung may ibang lalaking paulit-ulit na sinusubukang hawakan at halikan ako?"

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I... I didn't know."

"I spent my nights lying awake, wishing you were there to tell me everything was going to be okay. Blade, you were my safe place. Ikaw yung gusto kong nasa tabi ko."

"I'm sorry, Za. I'm sorry. I didn't know. I'm sorry."

It was like a chant in my ears. He was saying it in between his sobs.

"I was terrified, Blade. Terrified to tell you what happened to me, terrified of being judged... of feeling dirty."

"No..." umiiling na sabi niya.

"I tried to tell you. But I knew you wouldn't listen. You were already hurt, and I—" I shook my head, trying to hold myself together. "I didn't know how to tell you, not with the way things ended between us."

He took a shaky breath, raking a hand through his hair as if searching for words.

"Do you know what it's like to hate yourself? To look in the mirror every day and see someone you don't recognize? I fought so hard to hold myself together."

''Za..."

"After everything that happened, sinisi ko pa rin ang sarili ko. Kasi nasaktan kita dahil sa nangyari sa akin. Mas inisip kong ayusin ang relsyon natin kaysa ang sarili ko. Ilang beses na umiyak si Mommy, si Zeke, sila Cali, Lorelei, at Akira sa akin. Even my Dad. Pero ikaw lang ang nasa isip ko. Kung umiiyak ka ba? Kung nasaktan ka ba ng sobra? Anong tumatakbo sa isip mo? Naglalasing ka ba? Gusto mo na ba akong kalimutan kaagad?"

Nanginginig ang mga kamay niyang inabot ang kamay ko bago iyon marahang hinalikan. Mas lalo lamang lumakas ang paghikbi niya habang nakikinig sa mga sinasabi ko.

"Pabalik-balik ako sa hospital. Ilang beses kong sinubukang sumuko na... na magpahinga na. Kasi anong silbi ng pagpapagaling ko kung... wala kang naghihintay sa akin?"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

"Sinubukan naman kitang kalimutan," I said. "Kaya lang sobrang hirap. Bawat sulok ng bahay, ikaw ang naaalala ko."