The Pretenders

The confession

We were sitting in front of each-other in this huge active train with no one in the cabin except for us and two elder ladies that were speaking in italian.

He looked tired, the bags under his eyes gave him away.

His perfectly plastered hair now looked very messy and natural, like bed hair.

He was playing with the napkins like he always did when he felt uncomfortable and had nothing to say so he kept himself busy.

I looked at him directly into the pupil and opened my mouth to say something, he did it faster.

'Think about what you are going to say before you say it'

I smiled. 'I like you without hair gel' i said messing his hair with one hand.

He smiled, more like a grin, and sighed.

'Aren't you worried?' He asked serious this time.

'About what?' I asked back

'I don't know, Miles? He is a pretty great guy, and he likes you' he pressed both of his hands together.

'Let's talk about you, and that dream you had'

'I told you to think about what you say before you say it'

'Alex. I don't like Miles that way' i said 'He is a pretty great guy...' He interrupted me

'That's why you kissed him' he sighed laughing at himself

'Who told you that?'

'He did. He likes you' he said

The train stopped and he stood up, he eyed me like asking me to stand up but he didn't said a word. I obeyed his look and followed him.

'Well i don't' i kept up with him, he was kinda jogging. 'Where are we?'

'South California, its pretty quiet here love'

I grabbed him by the arm violently 'Stop running for god sakes'

He stopped and looked into his boots, straight to the ground.

'Talk to me Alex' i requested 'Just fucking talk to me'

'About what? What?' He asked and kept walking this time slower.

'I'm not going anywhere with you until you talk to me'

He sighed annoyingly and stood up in front of me, looking straight into my soul.

'The dream was about the fucking fucker i killed that night. I killed him. I beat him to death. I owed him money i didn't had, he bothered me so i killed him. I killed him!' He was punching the wall beside me many times.

His eyes got full of tears very quickly.

'Alex stop. Stop!' I grabbed his arm so he would stop

He grabbed my shoulders and i stared at him, he was sweaty and his eyes were full of anger and tears.

'Now, would you stop asking? Now you know. Stop asking'

'I... Ok...' I said and followed him.

We walked for a few minutes and reached a very fancy hotel it was called Kristoff.

Everything was white, it looked like a looney bin.

We went into the lobby and he hide his bloody hand inside his pocket.

'Two rooms please' he demanded

The woman checked in the computer and twisted his lips to one side in negation.

'We only have a room left, it has two beds' she said

'Great' Alex said giving the woman his credit card

She slid it and gave us two keys and a few welcome chocolates.

We went walking to the elevator and Alex pressed the eleventh button.

None of us spoke.

When we reached the floor we kept walking until we found the door to our room.

We entered and he dropped his shirt on a chair.

'So this is what is going to be?' I asked

He walked in front of me and put both his hands against the wall making an imaginary cage so i couldn't move.

He looked me in the eyes.

'I told you my conditions'

I rolled my eyes. 'Too bad i don't like your conditions'

'You keep asking stuff i don't like to remember. You ask, and dig, and ask. And that bothers me' he said

'Because i'm worried'

'No. You're not. You are just curious. That mysterious man you met at a bar, dark like your soul right?'

'My soul is not dark, Alex'

He hit the wall. 'Yes it is'

I jumped in impression. 'You are a spoiled little brat that doesn't like stuff if its not the way you asked for it to be'

He half smiled and looked me in the eyes deeply. 'What do you want from me, goldilocks' he asked.

I didn't knew what to say.

That was the biggest dilemma i had in a long time, what did i wanted from him. Everything? Nothing?

'You quit this shit' i pushed him 'you stop this! I'm tired of you getting in my mind and making me think what you want me to think!' I took a glass and threw it at him.

He was laughing. 'What you want to kill me now?'

'You are a bipolar, violent, spoiled brat, and if you don't tell me what the fuck is going in your mind i'm going to get out that door, i'm going to go to your apartment to get my stuff and i'm out of your life' i was crying, gasping for hair, fighting to not cut my feet with the broken glass.

He had his fists clinched next to him.

'How can you like me? What is it to like?' He asked in a very low tone.

I could barely hear him.

'I make the questions here' i said

'No! You shut up' he said getting closer. 'And listen'

He was crying because he couldn't take his anger.

He pushed me on the bed and he got on top.

'You don't get to talk to me like that, because i didn't do anything wrong, i did you a fucking favor' he swallowed long and thick ' i was trying to get you away from me because i'm a fucking walking disaster, i'm an alcoholic, i'm a women man and i don't fucking like your proud ass missy' he said 'what do you want me to say? What you want to hear?!" He screamed

He was crying uncontrollably an he was getting his hands tighter around my wrists.

'Alex you are hurting me' i said trying to break free from his grip.

'You want me to say that i love you? Is that what you want?' He asked

I started to cry like he was.

'Alex please don't' i said

'Is that what you want?' His eyes were swollen and his tears were running down his face.

He leaned over slowly and placed a few kisses on my face as our tears blended together.

'I do. I love you. But i don't want to'