Her trigger words were a love story.
Her heavy arm reminds her of that. No words were needed but still, it hits different when it's said out loud.
Longing.
Perrie remembered all the times she was on the run. The world blamed her, the world searched for her and on top of that, she blamed herself.
It's stupid because she should be concerned about the fact that she was being hunted down by the whole world but here she is, longing for her.
Yearning for the feeling of warmth, searching for the one thing that can fill the empty void in her heart. Perrie was longing the soldier, longing the warm smile she sends her way, the sparkling brown eyes that shine under the moonlight.
She missed her, the feeling of her previously skinny arms warm around her own, not wanting to let go, knowing that only she is her only stronghold. Perrie yearned for her, she longed for the moments they held a few days ago. The bright smiles, everything. It's stupid, too.
She longed for such a moment within the five years Jade had disappeared, turned to dust, disinegrated, and she came back, a hammer hurling towards her in midair.
She longed for her touch, her comfort, her love.
Longing triggered her, every damn time because she was reminded of how much she longed her home. Jade.
Rusted.
Perrie was rusted. Her days of killing had affected her. Along with this was the constant thought of having Jade in her arms. It was killing her. Funnily enough, it was this that killed her.
She hated the feeling of it, she hated staring at herself in the mirror to see the gleam of her metal arm staring right back at her. She hated how it weighed her down and made her to kill. She hated that she hurted the one person that meant the world to her with the same arm.
It kills her, just thinking about it and it drives her, getting more insane by every passing beat, every passing second. No knives thrown to the target, no sparring with Jesy, no firing with Leigh-Anne can help. It hurts like hell.
She drove herself into near insanity just by staring at the brown eyes she loved the most. She drove herself into near insanity just by thinking of her melodic laugh, her passion, her voice. God, her voice.
No singer in their time, better yet, no singer in this time can ever compare to the angel Jade Thirlwall was. And she hated it.
Perrie was rusted, busted, hurt and there's nothing she could ever do about it.
It reminded her how hurt she was and how she drove herself to insanity because she lost Jade.
Seventeen.
They were seventeen when Perrie fell in love with her. Damn. She can clearly remember the way she stared at her one day and there, she knew Jade was the most beautiful woman in all of London.
Despite her weight, her sickness, her conditions, Perrie found her amazing. Because she was, and nothing can ever change that. Like Perrie's mum once said, you like because, you love despite. And surely enough, she loved Jade despite all her flaws.
Even when they entered the army, Perrie admits, it was so fucking stupid of the girl to run after her when she was literal skin and bones with a hint of asthma, but it warmed her heart.
Seventeen, it was the first and last time Perrie felt the feeling of falling, continuously, dangerously, into a dark pit where there is no certainty that you could ever stand back up and move on.
