I don’t smoke but I’m rolling a unlit cigarette between my fingers. I’m rolling it slowly between my thumb and index finger and I have no idea why, I have no intentions of smoking it. Its new year’s eve, I think it’s safe to say this is the worst Christmas I have ever had. It’s been almost a week since I last saw Cheryl. Not just Cheryl. Paisley too. She stayed with her and I haven’t even had one phone call since, it’s killing me. Who can I blame but myself?
Suddenly a single tear rolls down my bare cheek. I’m surprised I have any tears in me, I would have thought I would be totally out of them since all I have done is cry then cry some more. It’s stupid, I’m stupid. Sitting here indulged in self-pity isn’t going to get my anywhere. That single tear continues to glide down my nose until it travels over my lip and I can taste the salt, I don’t even attempt to dry my face. It’s useless and I don’t have the energy in me to even raise a hand.
“Do you want some breakfast?” My mum asks carefully and I shake my head. It must be difficult for her. Her own home has turned into a doss house once again. Me and Amy are back staying here until everything gets sorted and Lola is here too. It’s not even my dog. I say when everything gets sorted but I’m starting to lose hope. “Come on you have barely ate all week” She looks at me with a stern expression on her face, she sees the cigarette balanced between my fingers and she snatches it away from me like im a teenager again. “And what’s this going to do?” I shrug and she sighs in frustration, turning her back to exit the room. My moping around is pushing her to her limits too.
“You should go over there and try to get her to listen to you” Amy chimes up from behind a glossy celeb filled magazine. I’m actually surprised my relationships problems haven’t been plastered on the front of one just like it yet. Maybe it’s because both me and Cheryl have been in hiding, she can’t hide for long. Neither of us can. I’m going to have to drag myself over there because she’s supposed to leave the country tomorrow. I haven’t forgotten about her tour she’s got to go on with the world’s biggest Bajan stars.
“She’s not going to listen” I mumble. I look over at my sister, she’s been affected by this too. She’s pregnant, her tummy is growing by the day and I’ve forced her to move back into a tiny house that is almost bursting with people… and now animals. I wonder if Joan and the rest of Cheryl’s family are still there. They shouldn’t be but I’m not in the loop anymore. I have no idea what’s happening. “Even if I was to get her to listen to me it doesn’t change the fact that I … well you know”
“I know that but she might give you another chance if she sees how sorry you are”
“What do you know? You’re just a kid!” I spit then I’m immediately feeling guilty as she shrinks back into the chair. “Look I’m sorry I didn’t mean that, I’m just under a lot of pressure you know?” She offers me a faint smile then goes back to the gossip filled magazine. She could be right though, maybe she could give me another go. If I how her how sincere I am she might forgive me. It’s worth a shot and I have to go over there anyways.
*
I wasn’t holding my breath but it’s not yet definitely over. At least she’s allowed me to step foot in the house, that’s further then I thought I would get. She looks terrible. She doesn’t look like Cheryl, not my Cheryl. Her hair looks unbrushed and its been scrapped into a messy bun. Her eyes are red rimmed, dark shadows are circling them making me wonder if she’s even slept since I’ve been gone. I know I haven’t. Her impossibly dark eyes that used to twinkle with happiness are now blank and emotionless, her face is bare. She’s not wearing a scrap of makeup and she’s hidden under a large jumper and a pair of tracksuit bottoms that I have never seen before.
“She’s in the living room” Cheryl croaks, her voice is horsed. She doesn’t even look at me, it’s like I’m not even here or I’m some stranger stood in her house. I just smile at her, I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared to speak in case I break down so I go into the living room. It’s still exactly how it was on Christmas day. Toys are everywhere, there’s still wrapping paper on the floor and coffee cups and cans of beer are still on the coffee table. Paisley turns her head and looks at me, she’s looking at me just like how Cheryl did. She doesn’t run to see me like she would normally do, she doesn’t even offer me a smile she just glares at me then returns her eyes to the television while she holds her new doll in her arms.
