ADDICTION || J.JK × Reader ✔

chapter 17 | Pulsation

"Ask me questions and I'll answer them," I let her start since I don't know what to begin with. "Do you love yourself?"

A nervous chortle runs out of my mouth but I look down. "I hate myself to be more precise," I let the truth out. I feel like I'm having a pillow talk with her and that's pretty pleasant and relaxing. "People think that just because you tell them to love themselves they will do it but that's not how it works...loving ourselves is harder than anything else in a life for a perfectionist person with low self-esteem...and what I did in the past doesn't help at all..."

"What did you do in the past...?" she asks to get more details but I don't even restrain anything, I let go of my feelings and emotions. "I made my mom go through hell for almost two years. I was getting wasted almost every day once I was sixteen and that her husband cheated on her to then leave us all alone...I was sometimes trying drugs...I wanted to act rebel because of the hatred I was feeling inside towards that asshole and...I was too selfish to even think about my mother...I was dating girls to make me believe I was okay and...I regret it a lot...I hate the person I was back then and if I could go back in time, I would never do this to my mom again but help her the most possible..."

"You took drugs...?" she gapes at this sentence she must not have expected to hear from me, but I nod, shamefully. "Yeah...I thought it was cool at that age...I even had tattoos over my right hand because of the girls I was hanging out with but I paid a lot of money to erase them all. I was a real asshole that didn't deserve to have such a wonderful mother...I was a jerk to her...that's why I pamper her now...I have to make it up. When people look at me they just think I'm the cool guy who dates the girls he wants and all with no problem, who has a lot of money...but...I'm a freaking mess."

"Everybody makes mistakes and...you were young and your dad left you so...you shouldn't keep on hating yourself for that..." she tries to comfort me but has no idea how bad this is in my head. "Yeah but...I'm just a fuck boy to people. They think I spend my nights fucking girls and dumping them when I'm tired. I don't really give a shit about what they think about me as long as my mom loves me but I'm always the one getting dump like a moron just because the girls I date believe I'm a dominant and rude guy who doesn't like cuddling like a ridiculous boy."

"Well...that's the first time I hear that a girl doesn't like cuddling..." she says as if this was surprising when I'm used to it now. "Not that they don't like cuddling but...I'm a bit clingy and possessive as a boyfriend and that was the problem. They just wanted my dick and nothing else."

"You said you had sex with a guy...right?" she puts this forth for the first time but I smile and nod. "Two guys...at the same time..." my teeth squeeze my lower lip as some shyness took me. She gapes at my answer. "Wow...a...a threesome?"

"Yeah, we were just on a trip two years ago and we were sharing a room together but we were all singles and kinda horny...they were both gay so you know...we just came to talk about it and watched some stuff then we began to touch each other and kiss...and all...that was better than I would have expected..." I remember the events with no shame or regret.

That was the most intense thing I've never received or did. "And...do you often have sex like that to have fun?"

"No, really not," I shake my head to reassure her. "That happened once but that won't happen again. That was not even really for fun but more because we were in need like jerks and...I wanted to know what sex with a guy feels like," I chuckle but look at her. "We were so damn desperate that we put the mattresses on the ground because we didn't have enough space in our single beds. But I never did this with girls. I don't know why I can't have sex with a girl just randomly since my first time."