More Than Anything [UNEDITED]

Quinn

"I'm sorry you had to go all through troubles and struggles alone. I wish I was with you."

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga pagkatapos ko iyong sabihin sa kanya. Alam kong wala na iyong saysay dahil tapos na ang lahat pero hindi ko pa rin maatim na hindi sabihin.

I felt like I needed to apologize for leaving her when she needed me the most. I felt like I needed to apologize for falling out of love when Shawn was growing inside her.

If I coud turn back time...no, I can't. And I think, by that time, I still wouldn't pick the right choice.

But I wish I knew...at least I could have been there for her. Kahit bilang kaibigan lang siguro...o bilang ama ng anak namin.

Tumitig ako sa kanya at walang kurap siyang nanonood pa rin ng TV. Hindi ko alma kung naiintindihan ba niya ang palabas na pinapanood niya o ayaw lang niyang lumingon sa akin.

Ilang araw na akong nag-iisip. I've been rehearsing on how I would tell Louise that I have a son. With Margaux. Iyon ang dahilan kaya hindi ko pa siya kinakausap hanggang ngayon. Iyon ang dahilan kaya hindi pa ako lumalabas dito.

Aside from I want to spend more time with Shawn, I'm thinking of the right words to use to Louise. I love her. Ayokong masaktan siya...kahit na alam kong masasaktan ko talaga siya.

But when I'm looking at Margaux, thinking about how she went all through these alone, makes me sick. Hindi mapapantayan ng kahit anong sakit ang sakit na ipinadama ko sa kanya. We made that. We made Shawn...together but she suffered alone.

I feel like shit.

She bit her lip. "You don't need to be sorry. It wasn't your fault you fell out of love." Sagot niya sa akin na siyang nagpapasakit lalo sa puso ko.

Para bang mas lalo kong sinasabi sa sarili kong napakagago ko. Na kung sana ay nakuntento ako sa atensyong kaya niyang ibigay noon ay walang nangyaring ganito...hindi sana siya nagdusa ng mag-isa.

Tangina!

"Margaux..." I want to touch her hand. I want to tell her how sorry I am but I know nothing will make her believe me. After all, I was happy with Louise. I'm even planning on marrying her...

That was before I knew about Shawn.

Dati ay sobrang sigurado ako kay Louise. Sigurado na akong siya ang para sa akin. Pero nang makilala ko si Shawn...ang anak namin ni Margaux...parang nagulo ulit ang utak ko.

The idea of giving Shawn a perfect and complete family is messing up my mind. Alam kong hindi ko iyon maibibigay kung si Louise ang pipiliin ko.

I couldn't stand seeing our son hurting. I want to see his smiling face. Ironically, I want to see Margaux smiling too. Iyon na lang ata ang tanging konsolasyon ko sa pag-iwan ko sa kanya noon—ang makita ang totoong ngiti niya...ulit.

Nang nilingon niya ako, halos mamatay ako nang makitang bahagya siyang ngumiti. No, I don't want that sad smile, Margaux...I would never want that.

But motherfucker! I was the reason why she doesn't smile like she used to. Ako ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng ito.

"Ayoko nang pag-usapan pa iyan, Quinn. It's over. It's all in past." Mahinang sabi niya. "My chapter with you has ended. All I need for you to do now is to protect Shawn...never hurt him because all hell will break loose once you did. And when it happens, I'll see to it that you will never see him ever again." Banta niya bago siya tumayo at umakyat sa kwarto.

And here I was, sitting on the couch, left speechless!

Putang ina!

Sa gabing iyon ay hindi ako nakatulog. Images of Margaux kept flashing through my head. Iyong umiiyak siya. Iyong sinusuntok niya ako. Iyong niyayakap ko siya kahit pilit niya akong pinagtatabuyan. Damn it!