Love Is Not Over {Editing}

No More Dream

It had been three weeks since the heated argument with Adam.

I was processing all of the emotions and coming to terms with everything that was exposed. I had not been anticipating that confrontation and it was a complete mess. Adam showed me his selfish, self-centered thoughts and I learned how little I meant to him. Being the optimist that I am, I focused on the positive outcomes the breakup would have on my life. I quickly convinced myself that this was for the best and I had a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong, I was upset about losing someone who was in my life for years, but I think I was more heartbroken about the fact that he cheated. He didn't just make out with a girl once; he slept with someone else. Multiple times. We were both virgins, emphasis on were, because he went behind my back and couldn't keep it in his pants. I feel utterly betrayed. Why couldn't he wait?

I was disappointed in his disloyalty but I could understand some of his frustration. It's true that I never fully told him about the abuse from my childhood and he always sensed that I was keeping something from him. I can only imagine how he felt knowing that I had a secret I could never talk to him about.

And I completely understand his anger about me cheating on him with Jimin. He was incredibly jealous from the start and he had his insecurities and I completely broke his trust. I do feel guilty about cheating. I am an honest person and I believe in faithful relationships. I have had a few male friends in the past and a few of them had even wanted to mess around but I was always loyal and kept my distance from them afterwards. I had even gone as far as ending friendships  completely but I did not want to cause problems.

But with Jimin, it was different. Jimin..

I also hadn't seen or spoken to him much in the last few weeks. He had reached out numerous times, sent me funny break up memes, and insisted that he was there for me. I appreciated his effort but I let him know that I needed my space and some time to recover emotionally.

What I did not admit was that I also needed time to figure out my feelings towards him. Even though we both agreed that we would forget that night, I could not look past it. It also did not help that in the processing of listing all the reasons Adam was toxic, I began to note all of Jimin's charming qualities. Like how he believes in me, supports me and my goals, has an open mind, and he truly listens to what I have to say. Obviously those are traits that make him a great friend but once I combine that with memories of that night, I feel a small flutter in my chest. It was much too soon for me to start thinking about another relationship but something about him gave me butterflies. I decide it is best not to act out on it now and will just let time take its course.

I was currently laying on my rug staring at the ceiling fan as it spun. I had been in a physically present but mentally absent state the past couple days and I could not focus on my studies or work. My manager had noticed my behavior and let me stay home from work this week. On the one hand, I appreciated not having to hide my emotions in front of clients but on the other had, this gave me more time to wonder and overanalyze things in the privacy of my room.

I was starting to get behind on my readings and I had missed the last two classes from my children's literature course since I was slightly avoiding Jimin. He had, however, offered to send me his notes and fill me in on anything I missed out.

Feeling down and in need of some advice, I grab my purse and head outside. I pull in my earphones and play Eau de Vixx as I make my way towards the bus stop, three blocks from my apartment. After a few minutes of waiting, the bus drives up. I pay my fare, sit down in an empty seat, and I begin the hour long ride to my hometown.