In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

01 - silent treatment

T I M O T H É E

The sun shines as if it's unaware of the mournful girl that rests her head on my lap in a gloomy melancholic silence.

I caress her hair, tucking her brown locks behind her ears everytime they come undone. I brush my thumb over her cheek and wipe away every stray tear that I can find on her face.

She breathes steadily, but I know she's unsteady. I know she feels scattered and unstable as she watches the kids chasing eachother in the grass, the dogs playing fetch with their owners and the grandparents feeding the pigeons ever so contently over by the pond.

But she's not content, which makes me heave a painful sigh. I bend down towards her, to place a kiss on her temple. I don't receive her usual smile when I do that, however her eyes do look up to meet mine which I cherish, because I can never get enough of her eyes. 'Love, let's walk a little bit more. We've been laying here for the past hour.' I suggest.

Her blue eyes take me in again, as if she has forgotten of my presence here with her, as if I'm not the owner of the lap she's been resting her head on ever since we sat underneath this tree. She reaches for my hand, releasing my fingers from her brown waves and holding my hand close to her chest.

'I like laying here with you.' She admits. 'It's peaceful.' Her words are short.. and simple. But I know her well enough to know what she really means.

She means it's the only peace she can get lately. She means the funeral last month was one of the hardest things she has ever had to face and she can't get the image of Drew convulsing on that hospital bed out of her head. With drool coming out of his mouth, with his pale skin turning purple and his brown eyes widening so much she thought his eyes might pop out of their sockets.

I can't forget it either, I can't get Drew's voice out of my head. I want to die. He'd said to me. I can't handle it anymore. The agony he'd felt in his last moments, the pain in his voice as he cried to us about wanting to leave this god forsaken place called earth.

It killed me.

It showed me how cruel the world can be in ways I'd never even thought possible. And what hurts the most was that I couldn't take all the pain away from Ella, I can't make it all go away for her.

Drew was her friend, I barely knew him. There was a time when I even envied him, because I saw him kissing the girl I loved. I even disliked him for loving Ella, but now the thing I want most in the world is for him to miraculously appear and make her smile again, make her happy.

I'm afraid his loss buried the last bit of happiness left inside of her.

'Ella baby get up.' I say squeezing her hand. 'I brought you to the park so you wouldn't sit in your room in silence. But you're just doing the same thing here.'

For some reason she doesn't protest, usually it took a lot of convincing to get her to stand up and do something. She has been spending most days in her bedroom, locked up by herself.

I visit as often as I can, just to be there.. just to keep her company. But I still find new marks on her arms, and I inspect her shoulders when she's fast asleep to check for fresh bite marks.

She doesn't see her therapist anymore, she doesn't listen when Aaron fights with her to stop hurting herself. I don't think she's rebelling against him, I just think she ran out of options on how to stay sane.

And I fear she'll end up killing herself, like he did.

Wanting to end her misery, like he did.