In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

17 - you don't know me

E L L A

The weight of it all hasn't hit me yet.

I've seen Nicole and Marc Chalamet almost every week since I started college and still it seems I'm no closer to seeing their son.

We have dinners together sometimes. Aaron tags along with me and we sit and have a meal all together as if we're some real family. I mean it does feel that way sometimes. It does feel real. But then I remind myself that it isn't. I don't have a mom, and my father's a drunk lunatic. That's my family.

Nicole cooks for us, Marc asks about Aaron's work and my college life, and then we simply eat together in a peaceful silence. Is that what it feels like to be a normal family? Peaceful silences, and basking in the glory of each others company. I honestly wouldn't know. But what I do know is that the more I spend time with his parents the more I feel the weight of his absence in my life.

It's been two months without him. And he isn't coming back for another two and a half weeks. I know we'll survive it, that's not what I'm worried about. What's really worrying me is the fact that he'll have to leave me again. He's going to come back for a week. Have thanksgiving with us and then he's leaving once more and I won't see him till Christmas break.

Those long intervals of time between seeing him again and then losing him to Cali, those are what I'm most worried about. I felt fine at first, college life was distracting me and making new friends was a good change of pace too. But little by little my walls were coming down and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to withstand the pain of it all.

The door to the coffee shop near campus opens and Sophia and Syd come barging in. They're loud as they laugh and converse and once they spot me sitting with a warm cup of coffee in my hands, they're immediately heading my way. I give them a welcoming smile before they both take their seats in front of me. 'You're coming to the mask party right?' Is the first question Sophia asks me once she's settled down.

I put down my still steamy mug and sigh. 'I don't know Soph, I have so many papers due and I have this big project for the end of semester that I need to start.' They're just excuses, they aren't necessarily true. I can manage my time well. High school taught me that, because I used to juggle my schoolwork with my job and my hectic life at home.

Believe it or not, it was hard to do my homework peacefully whilst my father would burst into my room every so often and yell at me for not doing it fast enough. I used to finish stacks of assignments, get my chores done, go to work, go grocery shopping for the house and then I'd finally go to bed at midnight. I was kind of a pro at getting stuff down quickly and efficiently and I guess I have my father to thank for that. At least one good thing came out of living with him.

Syd jumps into the conversation now and I can't help but hear him out because the boy barely talks. I notice how his voice is eerily quiet. 'Come on Ella, Sophia really wants you there and she keeps bugging me about it so please say yes.' He pleads with me and I genuinely find myself surprised to hear him ask me that.

Me and Syd have been forced to hang out a lot these past two months because well, he's my roommates boyfriend. But not once has he really tried to reach out and form a friendship with me. He's usually just sitting quietly in the background as Sophia shines her bright light on people or he's making out with her on some couch at some party. There's really no in between with them.

I appreciate him for speaking up though, because I know it isn't for me. It's for her, and Sophia really seems to want me to be there so I can't help but nod. 'Okay fine, but when is it?' I ask in fake defeat.