In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

26 - make up your damn mind

T I M O T H É E

The park holds sad memories. Memories I try to forget sometimes.

I used to take Ella on walks here, to help her forget her sorrow. When Drew died it was the only place she agreed to go to with me. Everywhere else was too crowded, too loud, or too depressing. But the park was just right for her.

We would sometimes walk by the pond, feed the ducks, throw some breadcrumbs on the ground for the pigeons to find later in the day. Mostly we would sit under the trees though, and watch our lives pass us by so fast. But today we brought a soccer ball with us instead, and we passed the white and black ball back and forth between us in silence.

Until Ella broke the silence.

'My therapist used to tell me to play soccer if I needed to calm my nerves.' She passes the ball so swiftly to me that I almost miss it. But somehow I put my foot out just in time to stop it.

'Did it work?' I ask her as I pass back the ball.

Ella shrugs in response. 'Sometimes.' She says, then she shakes her head slowly. 'No actually. Not really... it was bad advice.' We pass the ball back and forth for a few more minutes until she breaks the peace that lingers between us yet again.

'You're not staying here right Timmy? You're going back to Cali.' I sigh at the hint of pain in her voice. I already knew this question was coming. I just didn't expect it come until we were in bed together tonight, because that's usually when the big questions are asked. Not here, in the park, as dog owners and bike riders and pigeon feeders pass by us with smiles on their faces.

I stop the ball when she passes it to me again and pick it up instead of kicking it back to her. 'Ella I meant what I said last night. I'm not going back there.' She opens her mouth to protest but I intercept her before she can argue with me. 'You can't change my mind this time. I know what I want.'

'Me? Is that what this is. You want me?' She crosses her arms over her chest and waits for my answer.

I don't hesitate to give it to her. 'Yes El. I want you. I want us to work and I want to keep having what we have together.'

'We'll still have it regardless Timmy.' She groans frustrated with my reply. 'We've stayed strong these past few months. If we just make time to see eachother it'll still work out.'

'It won't be the same.' I shake my head at her.

'You're right. It won't be. It'll be tough and some nights it'll feel impossible. But that's what relationships are. They're difficult Timothée. It's not supposed to be easy.'

For a moment we stand like that, in pure silence. None of us speak, or make a move. I just look at her, and I see the way she looks back at me and I can't help but ask her this one question that's been eating at me for the longest time now.

'Do you want me to leave?' I watch her furrow her eyebrows.

'Does that matter?'

'Yes. It matters Ella.' I retort.

'I want you to live a happy life.'

I sigh 'You're not answering my question.'

'No Timmy. I don't want you to leave okay? You knew it the night your mom spilled the news over dinner. You knew it the moment I walked away from you. And you knew it when I made up a whole ass story about me cheating on you with Drew to get you to leave me alone.' She holds her breath, I can tell she's fighting back tears. 'I want you to stay. But I don't want to be the only reason you stay.'