In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

12 - underneath the stars

T I M O T H É E

As I pack the last of my belongings I feel a hollowness in my chest that I've never felt before. I try my best to keep my eyes dry and tear free for Ella though, because I know my tears will spark something in her that she's been trying her best to hold back all week long.

I'm packing up the the last few things left in my drawers, folding up shirts and socks and boxers when I find the Kid Cudi hoodie that me and Ella bought together at his concert last month. It felt like just yesterday we were singing our hearts out to Pursuit of Happiness. It felt like just yesterday I was watching Ella transform into the woman she is today.

The woman who was strong enough to let go of everything that weighed her down. Every tragedy and every painful thing that struck her didn't matter anymore because she has grown into one of the bravest people I have ever come to know. My mom tells her constantly just how much she resembles Jean. And I don't doubt for a second that Ella has grown into the woman her mother wanted her to become so badly.

I just wish Jean could see her now. To see how far she's come and how hard she has worked to get to where she is today. To see how she got to a point in her life where she can look at me dry eyed as she retells the years of pain and misery her father had put her through.

Jean would have been so proud of her.

But she isn't here anymore, and that tears me apart because I wish Ella had her mother. I wish she didn't lose such an important person in her life. But I'm glad my mother has become a mother figure to her as well because it warms my heart to see the two of them interacting again. Just like when we were kids.

I turn around holding back all of my emotions to find her cross legged on my bed with tears staining her rosy cheeks. She's gripping tightly onto the butterfly necklace I gave her for her birthday and her mouth forms a pout that tears my heart up. The sight of her makes me helplessly drop the box in my hand and walk over to hold her in any way possible.

I cup her cheeks first and I stare deeply into her eyes. 'Baby please don't cry.' I whine brushing away strands of her hair and wiping off the tears on her cheeks. She pouts at me and I can't help but smile sadly at how pink her nose was and how hard she was trying to choke back a cry. 'I thought we promised eachother we weren't going to cry El.'

She shakes her head. 'False. I promised I wouldn't cry at the airport but I didn't promise I wouldn't cry now.' When I kiss her I taste her salty tears and when I hug her I feel her tighten her grip on me, it's like she's holding on to me in fear that I'll let go of her too soon. That I'll leave before my time, and I'll just disappear without saying goodbye.

My heart aches as I think of how painful this is for her. How heartbreaking it is to have to watch me pack my stuff up before I leave for California. I'd be torn up if I saw her packing up her belongings ready to say goodbye to me. It would break me too. She must think I don't love her enough to stay here for her. She must think she isn't worth it all in the end. But she is. She's worth more to me then that stupid school is, or my stupid dreams are because when I'm with her I feel more alive than I've ever felt. I feel less alone when she's by my side.

But I can't give that all up now. It's too late. Not when I don't have a plan B, not when my plane takes off tomorrow and my parents are counting on me to make them proud. I pull away so I can look at her, really look at her. All week long I've been trying to memorize every detail on her face, every freckle and every blemish so I can picture her vividly when I close my eyes.

Her blue eyes flood with more tears and I don't wipe them away this time. I simply let then fall onto her cheeks because I don't know what else I can do for her. I don't know what else I can say to make this all okay. But she manages to break the silence for me because I'm way too chocked up right now to blurt anything out. 'I'm going to miss you so much.' She whispers. 'It might be hard the first few weeks, because we aren't used to being apart yet but it'll get easier. I know it will.' she explains, and I don't know who she's trying to convince but it sure as hell isn't me because I know this won't be easy.