In Your Eyes ✧ Timothée Chalamet

35 - it's a date

T I M O T H É E

It's raining today.

But it barely ever rains in California.

Sometimes I think I'm in touch with nature. Like it can sense how I feel. Ella picked up my call today. But she hung up on me before I could really talk to her. I've been moping about it ever since and the sky seems just as sad as I am because it's crying tears of sorrow as I stare longing out my window.

Xavier enters my room with a bag of chips in his hand and he shoves it towards me. Usually I would dig my hand right in and grab a piece but today I'm just not in the mood so I shake my head at him sorrowfully. We sit silently together for a while, watching a movie on my computer. It's boring. But everything's boring to me now.

Even the things I used to love watching turned into things I can't stand to see because I used to watch them with Ella. We used to pick at every single movie we'd watch together. We would over analyze every detail and dig into all the themes and motifs that nobody could see or conjure up.

It was our specialty.

I loved going on long tangents and she loved listening to me talk and piping in everytime she had something to add or point out. I tried doing the same thing with Xavier the other day and although he has a vast knowledge when it comes to movies. It just wasn't the same with him. Nothing's the same. Every day I wonder if I made the right choice. If I've officially lost her. If we'll ever be okay again.

But I don't know.

I feel so lost without her in my life to guide me.

'Did your girl finally text you back?' Xavier asks with a mouthful of Cheetos. His use of the term your girl unsettles me. Because it's as if he is saying Ella's mine. As if I am hers. As if we both belong to eachother. We don't. Not right now at least. It strikes a painful chord in my heart but I hide the painful look on my face and I keep my eyes trained on the computer screen.

'No. She didn't. But she picked up when I called her today.' I sigh and Xavier's eyes light up in excitement for me.

'That's fucking great news man. You finally got to talk to her and figure shit out right?' The moment he sees me shake my head his joyful expression changes into a miserable one. It's killing Xavier to see me like this. Back before thanksgiving break when I never left the dorm room Xavier was able to get more than a few words out of me. I never left the dorm with him but at least I kept him entertained everytime he got back.

We had good conversations and bad ones. We laughed, we fought, we had hilarious banter. Now he just does all the talking and I try to throw a word in every few minutes so he doesn't feel like he's talking to himself. 'It's fine man. Don't beat yourself up about it it'll probably work out in the end. Just give her time.' It's such stupid advice. Because what does time even mean? How can you really measure it? How will I know how much time Ella needs?

A few hours? Days? Weeks? Months? It scares me. The thought that it might take her months to pick up my call makes me want to drag Xavier out of my room so I can mope in peace all by myself. But I simply give Xavier a nod and we continue watching the stupid movie on my stupid computer screen.

The movie finally ends. It felt like I was staring at the screen for days. My eyes grow heavy and my vision loses focus of what's right in front of me. Xavier says something to me, but I'm not listening. Then he leaves me alone, taking the now empty bag of chips with him and when he closes the door I proceed to stare blankly at the screen in front of me.

I feel the urge to grab my phone and shoot Ella another text. Not that it'll change anything. I know she'll look at it but chose not to reply. But at least she looks at them. At least she reads my words and hears how much I need us to work again. I stare at my phone screen for a moment, blinking a few times out of pure and utter shock.