Project: Make Him Fall (Completed)

Chapter 17: Circles

I really mean it when I said I'm done. I'm just wondering, why do we always want that one person that we can't have?

Admit it, once in your lifetime, you had want a person that you can't have. Sobrang ironic. 'Yung mga taong gusto tayo, ayaw natin pero 'yung mga taong ayaw sa atin, 'yung ang gusto natin.

Mark is just out of reach. He's very single but he's too hard to get or maybe not. Maybe it's just because I'm a girl and hindi kami 'talo'. But despite all the rejection, siya pa rin talaga, e.

Why is that when we can't have someone, we want that person more? We crave for their attention more. Why won't I just settle for a person who's more ready and willing to be with me?

Some may say that it's actually all about the chase. After the chase, pag nagustuhan na rin niya ako (which I guess will never happen) I give up. But it's not like that for Mark. Making Mark fall in love with me is challenging but that doesn't mean that I only want him out of challenge. Yet the more he push me away makes me want him more.

I need to stop being so emotional these past few days. So what kung hindi niya ako tinetext o tinatawagan? So what if he doesn't love me back? I don't care!  

Ayaw ko nang magkulong sa kwarto. I've been thinking these past few days that maybe I should move on and stop all the drama. I kept asking myself, anong nangyari? I used to be a tough girl, but now I feel so weak. Feeling ko kahit anong gawin ko talo ako.

I don't want this anymore. This just hurts so much. Everytime that I thought of him, pakiramdam ko hindi ako makahinga, naninikip ang dibdib ko. It fucking hurts!

I've felt this feeling before. This pain is not new to me. Pero iba ngayon, parang doble, triple pa nga ang sakit. I still remember when I first met him. It was during our freshmen year, parang deja vu ang nangyayari sa akin.

But this time, it's the opposite. Dahil si Mark naman ang nanakit sa akin at si Toby ang sumalo. Halos kakabreak lang namin noon ni Toby nang makilala ko si Mark. 

Halos puro iyak ang gawin ko nun. Pupunta akong library o kaya sa garden tapos iiyak lang ako. Wala akong gustong kausapin. I just wanted to be alone. Ayaw kong maattach nanaman sa taong iiwan rin ako.

But one time when I was in the garden, he approached me. Binigyan niya ako ng panyo tapos tinabihan ako. I wasn't expecting him to be here. I get it, friendly siya. Halos lahat ng tao sa room ay kaclose niya.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay nang lingunin ko siya. He probably thinks that I'm some freak or weirdo na hindi nagsasalita at puro iyak lang ang alam gawin because that's what I think I am but he changed me.

Mark brings out the best in me. Simula nung makasama ko siya, mas nabawasan ang pagiyak ko, mas naging open ako sa mga tao, mas naging maingay ako. Lahat ng mas nagawa ko dahil kay Mark. 

And then it hit me. The reason why I become more open and less dramatic person. It's because that time, without me even realizing. In love na pala ako sa kanya. I can never be the same person I am right now if not for him.