Love Me

Still Breathing

John's POV

It's been a month since the miscarriage and Katy is taking it hard. She has hidden herself. She doesn't leave her room. She sits in the dark all day. She hasn't gone to work since everything happened. Her fans are worried sick. She doesn't even tweet. The papaparazzi is everywhere. Our street is full of them. I cant go anywhere with out someone asking a questions. She has completely blocked out everything. She doesn't let anything in. The kids are worried. She talks to them at brief moments, and she is very monotone.

She avoids eye contact with everyone. If I go to kiss her she turns away. She barley eats. She probably lost 30 pounds just this month. It's almost as if she's afraid. Her walls are built so high, she won't let anyone in. When I try to talk to her she just crys, and reminds me of how sorry she is. It's like she's afraid of me. She's afraid that I'm mad at her. In reality I love her, and this will only make us stronger. She just needs to open up to me and let me help her.

Her parents stop by atleast 2 times a week. They try to talk to her, but she just crys and tells them she can't do this anymore.

Everyone that is close to her stops by and checks on her, hoping she will open up to them, but she doesn't. She just crys until they leave.

She's in a state of depression that is incurable. She loved that child. Even if she never got to meet her, she loved her.

Katys POV

I just can't take it anymore. My life has turned into a nightmare. The kids need me but I can't help. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid and hurt another one of my kids. John is always trying to talk, but I know I took away something so important to him. I can't look him in the eyes knowing that I ruined that for him. He probably hates me.

I'm at the point where I wish my life was over. I just can't take it anymore. I want to just end it here before I hurt someone else.

I haven't gotten out of my bed since I got home that day. I get up to go to the bathroom and shower maybe grab a little bit to eat. But when I'm done I go back to my bed. The thought of losing my daughter kills me. I'm never really hungry. My body has become so weak I don't think I can even get up. I want to run away from everything, go somewhere new where nobody will notice me but that's impossible.

My life has become a series of TV shows that the paparazzi films for people's enjoyment. My life is a segment on E! News. I'll never get to go anywhere without someone asking me what happened and why I went missing for a month. I don't think I can handle the question. It would remind me of everything that happened.

My career is officially over. I told Tamara that I don't want to tour again, I'm not writing any new music, I won't perform, write, go to a interview or event ever again. I just can't risk someone asking me what has happened this month. It's to heartbreaking.

It almost like what happened with Russell. After the divorce I felt so empty. But this time it's all that pain plus more. I ruined someone's life. That little girl will never get a glimpse at the world, it's all because of me. I can never get her back. With Russel thee was still a chance, which gave me some hope. This time I don't have that chance. It's all over for that little girl.

My life derves to be over. I took away someone's life because of my own pure stupidity.

I tried to move my legs but it felt like they would snap. They were numb. I couldn't even stand. I was frozen where I was. I can barley talk. I'm at the point where I've become so weak that I'm half dead. If only I was fully. I would have been taken out of my missery.

"John." I tried to yell but it came out as more of a loud whisper.

In seconds he came running up. Tears filled his eyes.

"Katy hunny. What is it. I'm here."

"I can't move. I need to get up."

He began to cry.

"I've missed you so much Katy. You don't understand how much we all need you. The kids are miserable. They need you. They miss their loving mother. I've been dying for the day you day my name. I miss having the ability to see you smile. Your smile lights up the whole world. I just want to kiss you. I want you to be the Katy I fell in love with. I need you Katy. I've been craving to hear you talk to me, for you to even look at me. We are going to get through this together. Just trust me and I'll help you. In a few months, weeks, even days if you want we can try again. We can try again right now if you want. I just can't see you unhappy like this. I want the Katy I fell in love with back. I've been waiting for the day you call my name. I love you."

Before I could say anything his lips were on mine. My body felt better in seconds. It was like a cure to the pain. I never wanted it to end. John was my drug. He's right. I need to move on. We can try again. I need to live my life to the fullest, I need to live my life for my daughter now.