The Self-Harmed

~Perfect weight 88~

It was five in the morning. Clara and I had already taken our shower and we were standing in front of mirrors, doing our hair and makeup. A couple of nurses where standing around us watching us like hawks. Clara and I glanced at each other. She made a face at me, and then turned back to her mirror. I smiled and turned to my mirror. Once I was finished with my hair and makeup I stood back and looked at myself.

Why Did I have to be so ugly? Why did I have to feel like I was ugly? I grabbed onto the bottom of my shirt, but before I could pull it up to make sure I could still see my ribs I remembered the nurses. I tugged on my shirt, and smoothed it down.

"Ready?" Clara muttered.

"I guess."

We dropped our stuff at the room and then headed for the food hall. They had pancakes, so I picked up a plate of that and then sat down at our table. Owen told a story as everyone laughed. I poked at one of my pancakes, and angrily wiped at a tear that fell over.

"Hey you okay?" Ayelie touched my arm.

"I'm fine."

"If you don't eat you'll be here all day." Helga said to me.

"Want to fucking bet?"

"Charlie don't!" Caden lunged across the table for my hand but jumped back just as fast.

I flipped my tray of food over, grabbed my bag and left the food hall. I went to the front office and up to the front desk.

"I'm not going to eat."

"Why not?" The Woman asked.

"Because I'm fat, and Ugly. I don't deserve to eat. Do what you have to do."

I sat down on a bench, pulling up my legs, with my backpack at my right side. The woman reached for the phone. I don't know how long I was sitting there when the front doors opened, and my name was called. I looked up at my name. When I saw who it was I let my head fall onto my knees and cried. When Cyrus put an arm around me I curled against him.

"What happened?" 

"I'm sick." I sobbed.

"It's okay." He pulled me closer. "Just try to calm down. We can talk this out."

I tried to calm down for three minutes.

"What brought this on?"

"I'm ugly." I wiped at my face with soaked hands. "I'm fat. I don't want to be here anymore. My stupid bracelets are itchy-"

I took in a gasp of breath.

"You're not ugly or fat Charlie." He looked at me. "How could you say that?"

"I don't want to gain weight, I don't want my cuts to be just scars, I want to go home. I don't care if I'm sick. I'm not cut out to get better. I'll always hate myself and no matter how much therapy I get, no matter how many people I have telling me I'm pretty, no matter how many bracelets I get taken off it will Never change. I knew that the second I started to think I was Ugly."

"You're not ugly."

"How can you say that?" I demanded. "Look at me. I have ugly hair, One eye is bigger than the other when I smiled, my upper lip is small and one side is higher than the other, My arms are fat, I'm fat. I'm ugly, and there's nothing I can do about it, but starve."

"How much do you weight?"

"It doesn't matter."

"How much do you weight?"

"99."

"What!"

"It was wedding stress okay?"

"It was not wedding stress Charlie." He said. "What would be the perfect weight to you?"

I sniffed, and wiped at my nose, "88."

"88!"

"Sh!" I hissed at him.

"You'll be dead." He lowered his voice.

I looked at him, "I don't care. And that's what scares me Cyrus. The fact that I don't care if I die."

"Excuse me?" A nurse came over.

I sighed and pulled up my sleeve, and held out my right hand. She snapped on a red bracelet and then left.

"See?" I demanded, holding up my hand. "I'll never get better."

"Getting better doesn't have anything to do with how many bracelets you have. It has to do with this." He touched my temple.

"Well this is dead." I told him. "You have too much Faith in me."

"Just like you have in everyone else."

"It's no use in having faith in me."

"Why not?"

"Because when I don't make it, it will hurt you that much more."

"It will kill me if you don't make it." He grabbed my arms. "Snap out of this Beautiful! Don't say your ugly. Don't say your Fat, Don't say you can't get better, Don't lie to me Charlie."

"I'm not lying. I can't get better."

"You know you can get better Charlie, I know you know it, but your just scared."

I took a breath and didn't say anything. I knew he was right. I was scared.

"I can't help it." I finally said. "When I've felt one way for so long, it's so hard to feel something different. I don't know if I can."

"Have you even tried?"

"I don't know how to try Cyrus. I really don't."

"Do what they tell you to do. Listen to what they say. Hold on to the hope of getting better." He grabbed my Hands. "Who's someone you would hate to go through this?"

"My sister if I have one. Chloe or Caroline."

"So when they come around, do you want them thinking that they're ugly and fat because big sister thinks that way?"

"No."

"But it's okay right? I mean big sister thinks that way, so it has to be okay for Chloe or Caroline."

"It's not."

"Well what's good for one sister is good for the other."

"No it's not. I'm going to Teach Chloe or Caroline to love themselves, to not care what others say about them. I'm going to raise them with Hope. I'm going to be there for everything they need help with no matter how stupid and little it is, because She's mine. She's mine to protect, Society will not get to her like it got to me."

"And how are you going to protect her from the thing that threatens your life, when you have no idea how to do it?" He questioned. "I mean if you get better you'll know all the warning signs, and you'll know how to stop her from getting as bad as you did."

"Am I really that bad?" I looked at him.

"Worse."