The Self-Harmed

~Big girls eat~

Caden and sat at the table. I had my knees pulled up to my chest, and I was picking at my grape bowl. Caden stabbed four pieces of waffle and shoved it into his mouth.

"Good morning family." Jackson said coming into the kitchen.

He kissed Mom, who was at the stove, and then high fived us as he passed us.

"Is that all your eating?" Jackson asked me.

Even though he was just asking a simple question, I thought he was judging me. I bit my tongue from snapping at him, until I tasted blood. He was Jackson. He wasn't trying to belittle me. He didn't know how that question could effect a person with an eating disorder. He didn't know that when I was asked this that I thought of the needle on the scale slowly climbing up to three hundred pounds. He didn't know I thought about every time I binged, every type of cookie I had ever stuffed into my mouth.

"Mom's making her pumpkin spice pancake." Caden spoke up as I didn't answer.

"Oh," Jackson looked at the paper. "Good."

Caden looked at me.

'You okay?' He mouthed.

I slightly lifted my left shoulder.

"Here honey." Mom set down a plate in front of me and sat down.

I let my legs fall to the floor, and scooted closer to the table. I looked at my pancakes.

"Are they too hot?" Mom was suddenly worried, "Do I need to put them in the fridge?"

"No," I shook my head looking at the plate.

"Then what's wrong?" She asked, poking a pancake to see if it was too hot.

"Why did you give me two?" I looked at her.

"What do you mean?" She looked confused. "The batter made two.""Mom." I flatly said.

She looked at me, "What?"

"Why did you give me two?"

"Oh, right." She looked at her plate. "I forgot."

"You need to eat both of them for your food schedule." Jackson snapped his paper.

"What if I can't?" I questioned.

"Baby steps." Mom said, touching my arm."Baby steps to her grave." Caden muttered.

"Caden." Jackson warned.

"Sorry." Caden loked down, "No one was supposed to hear that."

"Well I did." I pushed my chair back. "And It hurt my feelings big brother."

"Charlie!" Caden called after me. "I'm sorry."

I slammed the door to my room and grabbed my lap top. I saw Clara was on and Clicked on her name. She was in a fluffy pink robe with hearts, her hair in a braid.

"How much do you weight?" I shot off.

"Ninety-three." She looked confused. "What happened?

"Are you on a food schedule?"

"Yeah," She muttered, "Stupid piece of shit."

"Caden told me I was going to die."

"Excuse me?" She demanded.

"Well my stupid chart says I have to eat two pancakes. So I said, what if I can't and My Mom said Baby steps."

Clara nodded, taking a sip form a bottle of diet coke, "Yeah."

"And then Caden Said Baby steps to her grave."

"What a dick." She looked hurt. "Did he not spend a year with you in a recovery school? Does he not remember how hard you fought to get to where you are today. What an ass hole. I'll kick his ass next year, I promise."

I laughed, "I miss you."

"I miss you too Love!" She looked sad.

There was a knock on my door.

"I got to go."

"I love you!" She said quickly.

"I love you too."

Clara's box disappeared.

"Who is it?" I called shutting my lap top.

"It's Mom."

"Come in."

Mom came in with a plate and sat on my bed.

"Caden doesn't understand." She handed me my breakfast plate

I took the plate. One of the pancakes was cut in half. I looked at her.

"Baby steps." She nodded.

"Thanks Mom." I gave her a hug.

"Your welcome." She looked down embarrassed, "I kind of have to watch you eat it."

"It's okay." I picked up my fork.

"I have to go to a doctor's appointment, want to come with?"

"Sure." I smiled at her.