The Self-Harmed

~Trapped inside your own mind~

It was around lunch time when I started to feel a little better. I still felt fat, and I still didn't want to eat. I mean my little sister wasn't here yet and what if I never ever got one? What if they were both boys? I knew how to stop people from cutting. I knew how to help people, I just didn't know how to help me. Eating food didn't seem like it was the answer.

I still wanted to go home but I knew damn well that my Mom wasn't going to let me when she realized just how bad it got. I had major dizzy spells, I was barely able to pick up my bag because of how much muscle I had lost. It hurt when someone tried to hug me so I started to cringe. It only made people worry about me more when that's the last thing I had wanted from anyone. Was for them to worry. It was hard to try when you had no goal. During the week the music room was closed so it was hard to practice anything for the band.

Which just let me focus on more on the fact that I felt trapped inside my very own dreams. It was hard to breathe, let alone live or think about the little things that would begin to guide me towards recovery. Recovery, such a scary and real word. What did recovery really mean? Was it when you were better? Was it the meaning of trying to get better? Was it when you realized that you had a problem that needed to be fixed? Was it when you spoke up and asked for help? Was it, when you let someone help you? I knew it was definitely something that you had to want for yourself. Because if you didn't want it, then how would you achieve that wonderful word of recovery. What if recovery wasn't something that could be reached. What if, recovery was a lie?

How could you create this imaginary world of were recovery was meant for everyone? And maybe I could get to be recovered. But if I could, what did that mean? Did that mean I would love myself ans be happy? Would I still have these thoughts of a word called Relapse? What was considered to relapse anyways? If you had recovery, why would people warn you of relapse? If you had to worry about relapse, then why look forward to recovery? Now relapse, that I could understand. That was waiting for me at the end of all of this. But how could I achieve relapse if I don't go through recovery? How could I want relapse but not Recovery?

Recovery was the ultimate goal here wasn't it? Not to relapse, but to get better. And how were you better if you relapsed? see all this word play? It's all just something to look forward to and then find yourself contradicting it all when you're alone and the lights have been shut off. How could someone fight for recovery. If you fought for recovery and got to that point, well then, you must be a survivor.