𝙀 𝙏 𝙃 𝘼 𝙉 𝙊 𝙇

rhyming

Right, apparently having emotions is bad
Here I am crying my eyes out because of something so little
You taught me it was ok but since you left, people bully me for it
Mother of god I can't seem to get away from people like you
I'm tired of wishing I was home and not at school
Nothing ever goes our way and I know Ryan is crumbling under pressure
God didn't lose an angel but I know the devil lost two of its demons

-

mentions of self-harm because I'm not in a good mood and I want to write something like this so I don't do it myself

it's honestly really depressing so if you just want a short summary if you get uncomfortable, just message me, ok? I'm always open to talk. 

-

Josh has never had thoughts of hurting himself and it was starting to get a little harder not doing it. Ryan had told him he needed to talk to his mother and didn't know when he'd be back so Josh was left alone. Ever since his father had gone to jail, Josh and the rest of his family were able to move back home and sometimes Josh would get spikes of PTSD if someone ever raised their voice or if something shattered or anything of the sort, his siblings were the same though so Josh wasn't the only one.

The weighted blanket tucked around his shoulders was the only thing keeping him calm at the moment and if it wasn't for that, Josh would've listened to the voice in his head and tug down his sleeves. His wrists were starting to become uncomfortably itchy and Ryan wasn't here to distract him, the blanket was slowly losing its comfort and the voice in his head was becoming way too loud for his liking.

(the trigger starts here)

Josh threw off the blanket when it felt like the temperature went up two hundred degrees, his wrists were itching for something to cut into them and the voice in his head was the only thing he could listen to. No matter how many times he told himself Ryan would be disappointed in him, Josh felt himself being attracted to the bathroom and before he knew it, tears were spilling down his cheeks and both his wrists were littered with cuts. Blood was pooling in the sink and the razor was drowning in it. Josh couldn't move, blood was rushing violently in his ears and he didn't hear Ryan open the bathroom door and gasp at the sight. Josh couldn't focus and everything was becoming blurry, why was everything blurry? He couldn't see straight and he could faintly hear sirens in the background, what was happening? Why were there sirens and why was everything going black? Josh started to hyperventilate and the last thing he saw was paramedics rushing towards him.

(the trigger technically ends here, there are still mentions of it but it's not as heavy)

-

There was beeping. Why was there beeping? Was it his alarm? Oh god, is he going to be late for school?

Then there was a soft voice saying, "He's awake."

Josh peeled open his eyes but immediately closed them, there were a few shuffles and then the light was turned off which let him open them back up. Ryan was clutching his hand and his mother was holding the other, both were smiling but he could see sadness pooled inside them. It was hard for him to describe what happened next since he was still delirious and confused but he learned he was in the hospital due to a suicide attempt, which was completely wrong. He wasn't trying to kill himself, he just wanted to get rid of the voice.

He didn't know what time it was or what day it was and would only shrug in response when the doctor would ask him.

The doctor finally left after asking a few questions that he couldn't respond too and it was only then that Ryan broke the tension, "Why, Josh?" Josh opened his mouth but it felt like someone was shoving sandpaper down his throat, thankfully his mother brought him a cup of water after noticing his struggle.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, Ry." Josh didn't notice he had bandages wrapped tightly from his wrists all the way up to the crook of his elbows until he looked down, Ryan held back sobs as he cradled Josh's face with one hand, "Promise me then, promise me you won't do this again."

Josh leaned into his touch and whispered, "I promise." Ryan seemed to like the honesty and nodded, "I love you, J."

Josh tried to fight back the tears, "I love you too, Ry."

Laura watched silently with her own tears trickling down her face but she was smiling. Ever since Ryan has come into his life, Josh has been happier. It was still heart-retching seeing his own son laid out on the tile floor of their bathroom with blood pooling around him but Ryan had refused to leave his side even when they came to the hospital and Laura was just grateful that an angel like Ryan was in her son's life.

"I talked to Brendon today, I hate myself for it and I wish I could go back in time so I could've been with you instead of him but I think we can accept them back in our lives." It took a while for Josh to comprehend everything Ryan had said since his brain was still working a little slow but Josh raised his brows in surprise, "Are you sure? I don't know if I'm ready."

Ryan nodded at that and squeezed his hand lightly, "I know and that's what I told him, I listened to what he had to say and he seemed genuine. Both of them regret what they did and they are here if you want to talk to them but if you don't, they understand."

Josh let out a shaky sigh, "I don't want to talk to them just yet." Ryan smiled softly, "And that's ok, I'll go tell them if you want."

Josh immediately shook his head and tightened his grip, "No, please stay." Ryan didn't seem to be upset at that since Josh was holding his hand in a death grip but instead just gently loosened the grip.

"I'll go tell them." Laura pipped in, getting a smile from Ryan.

"Thank you," Ryan whispered out which Laura just waved off, Laura could tell there was a strong bond between the two and going to tell the two boys that caused all of this is what will make Josh happy, then she'll do it.