Arsen
The last three months have been an emotional roller coaster for me. When I fled the castle I was distraught and heartbroken. The betrayal of my sister and Solana felt worse than Byrd's did. I would've rather Byrd killed me the first time than put me through this pain again. This was the true goal of the plan to tear me down and make me live with the pain. I was on cloud nine before this, finally trusted Lana and was truly intimate with her, but she played with me- plotted against me and wasn't honest- how could anyone call that love? Or maybe that was love and I just had these fucked up high expectations. Though Viktoria didn't seem to think so.
I found myself at the pier ready to catch the next ship out when I realized that ship was one of Viktoria's company's. I found my feet pulling me into her room on the ship and when I got there I just lost it. All of the emotion I had been hiding exploded out of me. I was sobbing and mourning what I knew in my heart I had just lost. I would never again be able to love or trust Lana like that. The one insecurity I had she managed to push into. She made me vulnerable then crushed my entire soul. I truthfully didn't know how I was going to go on. After Viktoria's decorated hand comforted my shoulder, it slapped me across the face and made me realize I had to pull it together. The rings hurt and left marks on my cheeks, but I got the message loud and clear- the only thing that would pull me out of this spiral would be a firm hand. So I went to work rigging again, leaving behind my sister and another I had truly loved.
The first month on Viktoria's ship was bleak. The entire world seemed grey. All I could think about was Solana and what she was doing at that moment. Viktoria knew when I was thinking of her because I would push myself into my work harder than I had before until the memory of what once was left my mind and was replaced by the feel of my bloody, splintered hands.
Each night I spent I didn't want to be alone. It was too difficult. I would always feel empty when I turned to find nobody next to me. It took two weeks into the first month for me to work up the courage to sleep in Viktoria's bed with her. One night I snuck in and used the pity I knew she felt for me to turn her annoyance and dismissal to a reluctant yes. I knew I wore her down by the end of the month; I woke up to find her sleeping on my chest with an arm draped over me. I could get used to this.
The second month in was the one where I finally felt like I could breathe again. The crew accepted me as one of their one, but also knew something was going on with Viktoria and I from us sleeping in the same room together. Viktoria detested the men speculating about her love life, but she would always keep her chin up and stand strong. It really sucked because nothing was going on between the two of us, even though everyone thought there was. Viktoria kept the secret of my heartbreak as her own. She was too good a friend to me in every respect.
The third month I was starting to fall in love again. I didn't think it would ever be possible. I didn't see it before, but it had been right in front of me for years. Being in close quarters with Viktoria killed me. Her words held the weight of the realm in them as I realized not only was she trustworthy, but she was loyal, upfront, magnificent. The worst part of being vulnerable now was this ability to fall in love like this. I was feeling head over heels and she didn't even know it yet.
Now, entering the fourth month I could see a new beginning and often spent my time dreaming of a future with Viktoria. My crush on my Captain was starting to become obvious to some of the crew who hadn't been teasing me before.
"Knock it off." I bark at Kellogg, yet another man laughing at me who hadn't been before. Kellogg is older and has been part of the crew since I was last part of it myself.
"Why are you blushing then?" Kellogg flashes his very-few-teeth toothy grin.
I roll my eyes and shake my head, "It's just sunburn." A lame, lame excuse.
