love is messy

Chapter 34: Haunted Memories.

WARNING: this chapter will be triggering for some. There's sexual assault mentions and a scene so be warned.
March 1st 2017
ARYN: Hannah places her hand on top of mine as we watch the latest episodes of 'bad at love' which we weren't able to watch in the hospital. "Fucking Jordyn, why are you so stupid. HE LOVES YOU!" Hannah yells at the tv screen in her room. "Hm reminds me of someone" i say as her face drops. "Rude" she huffs, "true" i whisper in her ear. "You're lucky i love you" she sighs with a smile as she puts her arm around my shoulders. I just nod my head and giggle, "yes i am" i say quietly as i lean in for a kiss. "Fuck these casts" she groans, "itchy again?" I ask. "Of course, it's always fucking itchy" she exclaims trying to get her hand inside the cast. "Here let me help" i say as i grab a fork from the lunch we left on the nightstand. I slip it into the cast and run it up and down her leg as she sighs, this worked when i broke my arm in grade 5 so i figured i'd try. "What would i do without you?" She says making direct eye contact with me. "You would have probably died, since i was the one who called 911 and shit" i deadpan as she smile. "You really are my guardian angel" she says giving me a sweet kiss on the cheek. "I know" i blush. "I love you" she says contently, i can't help but get those butterflies again. "I love you too" i whisper in her ear before kissing down her neck with a smile. "Don't start with that if you aren't gonna finish the job" she says holding back a moan. "Who says i won't finish?" I say slipping my tounge out and sucking. "Fuck, Aryn" she whispers, it's so easy to get her in the mood. I giggle as i slide off her bra strap and kiss her shoulder. "I'm gonna give it to you in ways Kahlani could never" i blurt out. She sighs and takes my face in her hands. "Listen Air bear-" she starts as she brings my face to hers. "That was a mistake. I only want you. Kahl can't hold a candle to you" she says with a smile as i pull away. "Kahl?" I deadpan, i know it's not a big deal but i mean come on the bitch took my girlfriends virginity. I'm allowed to be jealous. "Air" she starts as i get up off the bed, i never realized how much this got to me but now i feel betrayed. "I'm gonna go take a shower" i deadpan not wven bothering to look back at her as she calls out my name. "Really!?" She says struggling to grab her crutches to walk to me. I don't respond or change my mood at all, i just slam the bathroom door. "Aryn" she groans, "come on im injured you know i can't run as fast as you." She whines. "Then don't come after me. I told you i'm taking a shower just leave me be" i call out as my blood boils, i keep running what could have happened through my mind. The way Kahlani touched her instead of me, the way she felt probably not even thinking about me... it's all in my head and i just want to get it out. I quickly turn the shower onto the hot mode and strip down as i look in the mirror, why am i not enough? What does Kahlani have that i don't. I look at my body quickly, the stupid stretch marks and scars and shit are my number one insecurity. A tear rolls down my face as i trace the stretch marks with my hand until i hit my scar. The memories come rushing back, the way he touched me, the way he hurt me, the way he left me bleeding and crying without a care in the world. that scar is an everyday reminder of the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me. I get in the shower and let the scolding hot water burn every inch of my body, it's not that bad. It's similar to my haunting abusive relationship from a few years ago, first it hurts and the pain is alot... but eventually you just get used to it and think "oh well, it doesnt hurt that bad there's no point in leaving". I sit in the shower as the water pours over me and my skin boils, Zanders face will forever be in my head, other parts of him as well. All the things ive tried to escape from and heal from these past three years are forever stuck in my mind. My stupid fucking mind. I even tried fucking AJ to get my mind off of it but every damn time we did it all i could think of was being in that bathroom and being held down with a knife to my throat as he moaned and touched me and ruined me. Tears stream down my face as i silently cry and look at the scars, he made sure to leave a good amount of reminders that i am nothing but an object in this world. The only people that know about Zander are my parents and Aubri, i haven't even told Hannah and i don't know if i will. Everyone who knows about the rape always look at me with pity in their eyes like i'm some broken little girl. I hate when people look at me like that, i'm not a little girl anymore and the pity does not help. I cry some more as Hannahs soft voice brings me out of my thoughts, "babe, i'm sorry. She meant nothing to me" i just sob at her words, "nothing to me" the number one thing Zander called me. I try to respond to her but all that comes out is sobs as the flash backs play over and over again, it gets hard to breathe and i grip the side of the tub as i start hyperventilating. "Get off of me!" "Don't touch me!" "why are you doing this!" "Please stop!" I scream not being aboe to control my words as the memory takes over my entire body.