love is messy

Chapter 50: i am not broken.

March 12th 2017
ARYN: on my way home from the hospital i sit in my dads car looking out the window going over me and Hannahs fight. It was so stupid, I was so stupid. She was just excited and i over reacted. Fuck, what if i ruined our relationship? I sigh as a tear rolls down my cheek, "you gonna tell me why you arent going home with Hannah?" My dad asks as we stop at a red light. "Im stupid. That's why." I groan as i slump in my seat. "Hey, dont say that about yourself. What happened?" He asks as we pull into the timmies drive thru. "I messed up daddy, i always mess up." I sniffle and wipe my tears as we pull up to the voice com. "Name one thing you have messed up either than today?" My dad says sternly. "Well, everything with mom-" he interrupts me with a scoff. "That womans dumb choices are in no way your fault. If she cant accept her own daughter then that is on her." He states as the lady worker starts to speak. "Hello, what can i get for you today?" "Just a large mocha iced capp please" i say trying to take in what my father just said. He's right, deep down i know he's right but it's so much easier to believe its my fault than to believe my own mother just doesn't love me enough to get over the things she doesnt like. I hand my dad my credit card but he shakes his head, "i got this one baby girl." He smiles and pulls up to the next window. "Hi, large mocha iced capp?" A familiar voice asks, "M-mom?" I practically choke on my words as i dread the moment she turns around. "Air bear?" She gasps. Tim hortons? Really? Guess she isnt living with grandma anymore. "Don't call her that. Ever. You lost the right to even call her your daughter." My dad snaps like he did the day before she left surprising all three of us. "Daddy-" i try to soothe him but he shakes his head staring down my so called "mother". "You stay away from her until you decide to grow the fuck up. Do you understand me?" My mom sighs and nods as my dad rolls off in a huff. "Daddy, maybe she changed her mind." I try to tell myself that more than him. "People like her dont just change their mind. Trust me." His eyes pool with tears but his face is filled with anger. "Dad, i wanna see her." I say quietly. He sighs before stopping in the parking lot and opening my door. "Go then, but don't come crying to me when she lets you down again." He sighs in defeat as I cautiously get out of the car. He slams my door behind me and speeds off onto the road without a second word or look. I try to walk in the tims against everything in my body telling me that she isnt worth my time but i just can't. As i reach for the door handle my breath gets caught in my thraot and my palms start sweating as i flash back to my coming out. The way she just hit me without a care in the world... how could someone do that to their own child? Not a valid reason, not self defence, not for ANY fucking reason except the fact that i wasnt who she has always tried to force me to be anymore. I loosen my grip on the door and sigh as i turn around slowly. I start walking but am stopped by some panting along with a shout of my name. "Aryn! You forgot your uhm- your iced capp" i turn around seeing my mother, again. "Thanks" i take the capp from her and start walking again hoping she'll stop me. "Okay, well i'll see you around i guess" her footsteps fade away as i fight the urge to run after her. "Fucking bitch" i think to myself before fighting back some tears. I get halfway to the bus stop before stopping in my tracks thinking about all the things i want to let out right now. A scream, cuss words, a punch or two, a million buckets of tears... so much bottled up inside that is just eating me alive. I start walking again but soon enough find myself turning the other way and heading back into the tims. I walk to the counter where my mom is taking some old ladys order and slam my hands down. "Seriously? After everything you have put me and my sisters through you're just going to walk away like nothing happened? You fucking ruined my life! Everyday i question if im worth it. Every day i question if i should keep living. EVERY DAMN DAY i just count the hours until somebody walks out of my life again. All because of you! And all you have to say is "i'll see you around"?!" She stops talking to the lady and looks at me with tears in her eyes. "It's hard, okay!? I can't just look at you and pretend that i like this change. I can't pretend that you are still my sweet innocent little girl." "Good! Because i'm not. I'm not sweet, i'm not innocent and i am not a little fucking girl. But that has nothing to do with me being gay, that has to do with me being forced to grow up and leave my childhood behind because I had to raise two kids while you sat around doing nothing." Finally i can let all these thought out. "Aryn please, you don't have to share your- lifestyle choices with my co workers." She says quietly as i laugh sarcastically. "Oh shit, am i embarrasing you? Is your GAY daughter embarrassing you? It's too bad she's too GAY to care. And she's happy KISSING GIRLS. And she has NO problem sharing her SINS and HOMOSEXUALNESS with the world." I say as loud as i can to the point where everybody in the restaurant is now only paying attention to me. "ARYN VALERIE JONES!" My mom shouts sternly. "Oooh my full name huh? Surprised you even remember that consideringn you basically forgot me." "Who says i forgot you? I could never forget you, you're my little lady bug" ugh, my dreaded childhood nickname. "No mom, i'm not your little anything. I'm almost an adult!" With that i start to walk away but my mom reaches over the table and grabs my arm flinging me around to look at her. I scoff, "what? You gonna hit me again?" I start as i get closer to her face with an emotionless expression. "Do. It." I challenge but she loosens her grip and sighs. I now notice the hurt in her eyes as she backs away, but it's hard to feel bad for someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you. "I- i'm so sorry for that Aryn i really lost control that night... you didn't deserve that." She admits with hidden weakness peeping through her cold bitch mask. "Sorry don't cut shit, aint that what you used to say? Besides, how can you really be sorry when you havent even changed? Do you love me? And I don't mean do you love me for what i used to be or what you think i can be if i changed. I mean right now, with a girlfriend. With a fucking BABY on the way... do you love me?" She hesitates in shock from the baby part but decides to look past it. "Of course i love you Lady bug, if i didn't love you i wouldnt be up all night trying to find ways to fix you." With that i sigh in defeat before taking a deep breath. "That's the thing, i don't need fixing because I AM NOT BROKEN. If you can't love that side of me then maybe you just don't love me as much as you like to think you do. You either love me for all of me or you love me for none of me. You don't get a third option here mom. Either you love me enough to just be happy for me or you don't really love me." My mom returns my sigh with another one. "Then i guess this is goodbye." She states with a soft smile. I return the favor and nod trying to ignore my shattering heart right now. In a way, she is my mom and i will always love her. But in another way she just proved right there that she isn't worth fighting for. Closure is all i needed to move on and even though it hurts, at least i have that now. "Goodbye mom." With that i walk away and she goes back to work, as if we never even had this conversation. Now i just need to focus on apologizing to Hannah and Samia for my blow up, and getting back home... on the stupid bus of course. I sigh and run to the bus stop as a bus starts to stop. With my luck as i run on the bus i see none other than stupid, dumb, fugly ass AJ... well fuck. "Hey Air" he says trying to act "charming" but failing as always. "AJ" i reply coldly as i take the only seat left which of course is right beside him. He chuckles and puts his arm around my shoulder, "tunning back to me so soon? Trouble in paradise?" His smug tone sends pure rage all throughout my body. "Are you stupid?" I push his arm off me but he just sighs with a grin. "How's Hannah?" He asks. "I wouldn't know." I don't have the patience for this guy right now. "Oooh so you guys did break up" he counters thinking he's smart shit or something. "No. We just- had a fight." I put my head down to keep from looking at him because he is probably smirking like a mad man right now. "It all starts with a fight, isn't that right?" He is definitely smirking, i can just hear it in his 12 year old girl like voice. "Fuck you Amari." I deadpan standing up and going to walk out of the bus as it stops. "You know you wanna!" He shouts cockily as i walk out the bus rolling my eyes. I dial Hannahs phone but she doesn't answer, god i hope she isnt sitting at home crying right now. I text her a quick message saying im on my way home but there's still no reply. I call Samia and the phone rings for a bit before a different voice answers the phone. "Hello?" She asks, "answering other girls phone already Hannah?" I tease my girl with a smile. "Oh, hey! Sorry me and Sam were just getting some pizza" she chuckles before sighing. "I'm sorry" we both say in unison. "I over reacted." I start, "but I shouldn't have said what i said in the first place." She states holding a stern argument. "Are we really arguing about who's more sorry right now?" I laugh and she replies with a sheepish "yes". "I'll be home in ten." I sigh as she sighs back a little louder. "Can't wait to see you." She says quietly before hanging up the phone. She sounds off which is weird for her but i decide to look past it since im probably just over thinking

Ten minutes later...
I knock on the door and am almost immediately greeted by my goregous girlfriend. "Hello, angel!" she exclaims with a smile plastered on her face. "Hey, Babe" i smile too as she and Samia both pull me in for a hug. "Don't scare us like that, we thought you were really just gonna leave us" Samia exclaims as we pull away from each other. "Yeah, sorry" i agree with them completely, i so over reacted. "Welp Hannah has something she needs to tell you so i'll let you two get to it, i'm taking this pizza to my room." Samia states shyly before hurrying to her room, coke and pizza in hand. "So?" I hop on the kitchen counter as Hannah sighs. "So... when you left today i was obviously very confused and angry and just really worried that you had ended it since you left saying you need a break. And Kahlani kind of showed up" she starts, oh fuck i can already imagine what she did. "And we were talking about- things and next thing you know we are almost kissing... but Samia stopped it! I swear i didnt kiss her." She reminds me like it will change the fact that she would have if Sam didnt stop her. "But you were going to." I remind her as she looks down running her hand through her hair. "Yeah, probably." She sighs and i shake my head fighting back my tears. "So, what you're saying is, i leave to take a break for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES and you're already kissing Kahlani?" I scoff before she can say anything and she just agrees. "Maybe you two are the ones that are meant to be. I can't fucking do this right now. I come here to relax and unwind and tell you what just went down with my mother-who, by the way is in town again- not that you would care or anything considering you're obviously more focused on Kahlani than you sre me or my problems... but this is really what i come home to? You telling me you kissed another girl? And KAHLANI at that?" She nods her head in defeat. She knows she fucked up. "I didn't kiss her Aryn." She states firmly trying to get her stupid point by. "But, you wanted to. In that moment, you wanted to kiss her. Did you not?" I ask really not even wanting an answer. "Yes, but i don't know why Air, i love you. Not her." She tries to play it off smoothly like it's going to change anything. "Besides, at least i told you. I was completely honest, was i not?" She counters looking for some sign of emotion in me but i'm just completely blank. "Some things are better left unsaid." With those final words i walk silently to the room slamming and locking the door behind me. As tears start to pool in my eyes i drop my walls and let the tears flow, I couldn't cry in front of Hannah. She doesn't even deserve my fucking tears right now. I drown out her callings and bangs on the door and just curl up in a ball on the floor crying my heart out as i start to relive each and every fucked up memory of todays events.