The Pieces of You

Piece of You #10

Almost every night I had a dream about you, and in my dreams is where it seemed like all the pieces of you lived. It seemed like they started in my dreams and came out of my head and into the real world. They tormented me in my dreams too. They did things like make me see you and be around you again. Sometimes I really thought you were there holding me and caring for me again, but then I would wake up and realize that it was just a dream and you weren't really here with me. When I would wake up from a dream about you I would sometimes see all the pieces of you scramble away from me. The first few times I saw that happen it freaked me out and I had no idea what they were or where they came from, but I quickly put two and two together and realized they were the pieces of you and they were coming out of my dream. They were coming from me. I made them. I made the pieces of you. When you left me this is what you left me with. Little reminders of you that lived inside my head.

When I realized that these were the memories and reminders of you I also realized that it was me who had to get rid of them, without the help of anyone else, and that's exactly what I did.

Over the months I did things that made me stop thinking about you as much. I packed your sweatshirt away deep inside my dresser drawer, I deleted all your pictures and videos off my phone, I took all your notes and put them in a shoebox to put underneath my bed; I promised myself I would burn them one day. I stopped staying in my room all the time, and nature became my biggest healer. I would go for hour-long walks in the woods and near the pond by my house. I would look at the trees, look at the flowers. I would see birds and insects. I noticed how unbothered nature was by the things around it and I tried to become like it. I taught myself that if flowers can bloom in the most unexpected places I can bloom too and become a better version of myself. I taught myself that if birds spend weeks determined to build their nest I can be determined to build my heart back together. I taught myself that even when it storms and the strong winds try to knock the trees over they stay standing strong so I can stay strong in this storm too.

Week after week I stopped finding reminders of you. I didn't find any new pieces of you and the old ones were slowly disappearing. It was the begging of June when I was almost completely over you. I knew I had to stay strong. If I did then I could go for three months without seeing you again and I would be free. I would have done it. I remember the last day I saw you at school. The last day of my sophomore year and the last day of your junior year. In a way, I didn't want it to end. I wanted to see you again. Over the summer I wanted to hang out with you, but I knew I couldn't. I have gone too far to start over now. School ended and I only saw you once or twice over the summer for about a second. Both times I saw you we didn't really say anything to each other. We kind of just silently greeted each other. You would sometimes text me and send me dumb memes, but I usually didn't respond. You started dating someone. Someone you raced with. I was happy for you but in a way, I still wished it was me you were laughing with.

Before school started again they were gone. The pieces of you. I didn't see them anymore. Once and a while I would find one in my dream but I knew it wasn't real. I believed I was finally over you. I wouldn't be tormented by them anymore. I was strong enough to get rid of them, to let you go, to move on and enjoy my life.

We started talking again when school started. It was my junior year and your senior year. We were good at being friends. We made a good pair. I enjoyed your company and seeing you didn't tear my heart apart anymore. Then one day you admitted you still had feelings for me.

I don't think I ever stopped fully loving you. I told you we could try the whole relationship thing again. So we did. Except for this time it lasted about two weeks and then you gave up, without ever saying anything to me. You just left me hanging. So I let you go once again. It didn't hurt as bad this time but there were still some nights I would cry and wonder what I did wrong. I got over it quickly though and realized you weren't worth it. Letting you go a second time was easier.

When I let you go the second time there was one piece of you that came to me, but this one didn't bring me pain. It brought me happiness. It brought me relief and strength. It reminded me of all our good times and all our love. It showed me that I could do anything in this world. It showed me that even though you hurt me, you still wanted the best for me, and that's what stuck with me. The good stuff. The love you had for me and the strength you gave me, and I can't thank you enough for that.

This piece of you is still with me to this day. Yes, it does still remind me of you. Yes, sometimes it makes me sad. Yes, sometimes it makes me angry at you for everything that you did, but most importantly, it shows me everything I have accomplished. It shows me how far I made it and everything I went through. It shows me what love is and what love is not. It shows me what I deserve. It shows me us and everything you taught me. It shows me that you will forever have a place in my heart. That's where this piece of you stays, in my heart. A small piece of my heart will always be for you. It will be here forever, and so will you.