Bittersweet - Larry

13

I should've seen it coming. We wanted each other way too much to keep it under control, but I had expected myself to last longer. I knew Harry had been willing to risk it, and I understood why, but he knew as well as me it wasn't about whether or not we were related. It was about not getting in the way of our parents' happiness.

"You're not blaming me for what happened, are you?" Harry asked, looking at me for a brief moment before he looked back at the road. 

It was the first thing he had said all morning, and I hadn't been any less quiet. He was normally very talkative, so it was a surprise he hadn't spoken up until now, but I understood why. If it had been up to me, we wouldn't have driven home together, but it was easier than coming up with an explanation for why I suddenly didn't want to be alone with him.

"No," I said. 

I had allowed him to kiss me because I wanted it as much as he did. He knew the difference between right and wrong, and he hadn't forced me into something I didn't want. My reaction was unfair to him, but everything had happened too fast for me to keep up.

"I'm sorry, Louis."

"You don't have anything to apologise for."

"Then why does it feel that way?"

"How should I know?" I asked. "What do you feel like you have to apologise for?"

"Kissing you and not regretting it." 

"Hmm."

I  looked out of the window instead of saying anything else. It wasn't because I didn't want to, but it seemed like he was gonna get mad no matter what I said, so keeping quiet was for the best. I should've expected him to feel differently and maybe I was reading too much into it, but it seemed like he was determined to disagree with every choice I made today. 

"Are you just not gonna say anything about it?"

"I wasn't planning on it, because you're acting out. My opinion is different than yours, but you're too full of yourself to accept that." 

"I do accept your opinion, but this isn't one-sided, Louis." 

I understood what he was saying, and if I had told him I didn't want him, he wouldn't have tried. He had rejected enough people to know it was frustrating when someone wouldn't take no for an answer. He understood the meaning behind no, and he was good enough to accept it.

"I know it's not." 

He sighed in response, and I looked out of the window again, finding comfort in the sudden silence. I closed my eyes and let myself enjoy it until Harry turned his music up halfway through a song, and I forced myself not to sing along. He hummed along himself and when the song changed, he scrunched his nose up to keep himself from smiling, that being the moment I realised music was his escape. I watched him while he gradually started singing along, quietly at first and then loud enough to make me smile. It didn't surprise me he was good, but it surprised me he was that good.

"You're staring, Louis."

"You're good."

"Thank you." 

He looked at me for a second, sending me a smile before he looked back at the road. The uncomfortable tension had disappeared into nothing, but I knew it was only momentarily forgotten. We held onto the newfound joy of singing along to the songs on Harry's playlist, his mix of songs so similar to mine that putting my playlist on instead would've given us the same result.

It wasn't until we came home the bubble burst. We were no longer safe in whatever space we had created in the car, and Harry's playlist hadn't been enough to make him forget about what happened. I understood his need to talk it through, but I had needed a moment to breathe. Not because it was a difficult conversation, but because I could barely look my mom in the eye, and that was painful in itself.