Loving Chris (TTSPG Book3)

21

I slammed my fists against the steering wheel as I sat in the car. I was angry and disappointed in myself but most of all, I just wanted to head back to his place, take him into my arms and kiss him until he became mine again.

Damnit!

How do we keep ending up like this?

I wanted him, now more than ever but was it worth it?

Is he right in saying that we were just repeating history?

I would fight to the ends of the earth to have him and love him but is it all worth it in the end?

I shook my head at my one sided conversation before rubbing my bare chest and heading into my place. It was almost 7pm and my hunger was starting to get the best of me. I quickly took a shower to wash away the scent of the guy occupying my thoughts before waiting in the living room for the pizza delivery guy.

The knocking of my door had me heading over and I absentmindedly pulled open the door as I fished for the cash stashed in my slacks.

"Derek?" I called confused as he stood there with my pizza and drink in hand. "You quit your job to deliver pizzas?"

"Ha, good one."

He takes the money from me and barged past, food still in hand as he heads towards the couch. "I got here just as the delivery guy was pulling up. You got beers?"

"Fridge." I say as he heads over to the kitchen without waiting for my answer.

When he settles down and turns on the tv, propping his leg on the left arm of the couch as he ate my pizza, my world finally came back to me.

"What are you doing here?"

"What? I can't come visit my best bud?"

"You've never once visited me since I moved here. I don't even know how you found this place but-"

"Chris told me." He replies nonchalantly.

"Of course he did."

He rubs his fingers together to remove the little dust there before downing a bottle of beer. "What's up with you two?"

"He called you?"

"Yeah, he just called me."

"Seems like you guys got real close, huh?"

"Bro, you need to chill with your jealous complex. I know you the most out of everyone and believe it or not, I get it. Everyone else hated you and had every right too but at least I listened when he just wanted an ear to vent instead of just telling him to move on and forget you."

"Yeah, whatever."

He closes his eyes and exhales before playing with the opening of his bottle. "You guys had sex huh?"

My eyes snapped to him before I shook my head, finally deciding to take the other couch. I popped a slice of pizza in my mouth before drinking the aerated beverage as Derek now watches me.

"What hasn't he told you?" I asked when I could talk again.

"Why you were shitting bricks about him moving back home."

I rolled my eyes as I ate yet another slice. "Of course I'm the only one that doesn't know."

"Damon, you don't understand the state he was in when you guys-"

"Okay that's it!" I snapped as I sat up straight. "I'm tired of you guys shoving our breakup in my face. I fucked up, I know that. I was a stupid, egotistical, fuckboy who had no regards for the feeling of someone that loved me completely. I get it! There was no excuse or justification for it but, it was 2 years ago. I have changed since then. I'm not looking for a pardon or pity or whatever but I am tired of you guys throwing my childish, immature way in my face when all I've ever tried to do since then was change.

You guys keep forgetting that he left me. I hurt him but he left me. It was to save himself and I get that. He put himself first because I wouldn't. I don't blame nor hate him for that but I was hurt by it too.

It broke me too.

He had you, Dan, Alexis and countless others to fall back on to help him heal. I had no one. Everyone left me when he did.

I spent 6 months all alone because everyone felt like I deserved to have everything stripped away from me to teach me a lesson.

You, my closest friend in the world who I never thought would leave, turned your back on me.

Dan, who doesn't get mixed up in drama even distanced himself to keep the peace and even when you guys no longer hated the sight of me, he was the only one that spoke to me and checked up on me after those heartbreaking months alone.

I get that I needed to be thought a lesson but I am also just a human being who was lost and confused. Who didn't need to be abandoned when that was all I ever knew."

"D-"

"So stop talking about how I broke him when we broke each other."

"I'm sorry-"

"And of course I would be pissed about him moving home. He might have made that decision a long time ago but there is something between us now. He gave me hope that there would be something more than just friendly talking and then I come to realize that he would be leaving me... again. How am I supposed to feel about that? Am I supposed to just nod and agree with everything?'

"I get it. I'm sorry."

"I want us to work but he needs to want us to work and not continuously treat me like my past self."

I inhaled deeply before releasing and slouched against the couch as Derek watches me intensely. "I never knew you felt like that."

"Of course I felt like that."

"We just thought about his pain and ignored yours. That shouldn't... that shouldn't have happened."

"Yeah..."

"I'm surprised you don't hate me."

"Why? So I can keep being alone. That shit sucks."

He gets up and comes to stand near me. Pressing his hand on my shoulder, he stares me down before saying softly. "I'm sorry."