Loving Chris (TTSPG Book3)

11

Danny's twenty minutes turned into half an hour and as I stared at Chris' number on my screen, I heard the shuffling of feet as he came downstairs. He was now clad in a sweater a bit too long on him but which still made him look like the typical fuckboy and a sweatpants that hugged his legs.

"Hey." He says, combing his fingers through his shiny hair and heading to the kitchen.

He comes back with a beer in one hand and a slice of pizza in his mouth just as Jon comes to the bottom of the stairs.

"Bye." He greets as he heads over and sits next to me.

I watch as Jon raises an eyebrow before coming to us. He takes the half finished pizza from Dan's mouth, kisses him deeply before smiling at me and leaving; Dan's pizza still with him.

"I love you." He says nearing the doorway.

"Right back at cha." Danny says as he spares him a glance. "So, what're we watching?"

He flips on the tv and quickly goes to his Netflix account before starting to scroll through. I wasn't in any mood to watch a show or talk or even exist but the company was exactly what I needed when I felt like crap.

"Horror?"

"Nah, I'm sleeping alone and I don't need the nightmares to drive me insane tonight."

"Why don't you just ask him to move in?" I ask, sinking further into the couch and wrapping my arms around a cushion.

"He brought it up a few days ago but I'm not ready as yet. I need to enjoy my space more."

"Hmm."

"So... what brings you here?"

He settles on watching a fast and furious movie and I sighed as I picked up my phone.

"Didn't wanna be alone tonight. Well... not unless I really have too anyway. Its early, figured it couldn't hurt to chill with friends."

"Why didn't you hang with Eric? Are you guys still on the outs?"

"Not sure. I'm just giving him his space."

"Its really weird not seeing you guys together. He's my twin but you two were always inseparable."

"Yeah... I know."

We settled into what I thought was a comfortable silence before he ends it once more. The outside was a semi dark blue and the atmosphere slightly chilled as night fully came upon us.

"What's up with you and Chris?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

He continues to stare at me as I stare at the tv screen before I finally caved. "I thought we had something but it turns out, we have-"

"Nothing."

"Yea."

"I was actually holding out hope for you guys." He states, placing his empty beer bottle on the table before pulling his phone out of his pocket and checking through his notifications.

"Thought you guys wanted us apart."

"Everyone did. At first. You were a real dick man. You played with the boy's emotions and kept hurting him over and over so yeah, we all wanted you guys to end."

He gets up and heads for a beer and I raised an eyebrow as he comes back with a six pack, two missing from the set already.

"But then we all saw a change in you. By separating yourselves, you were allowed to see what it was like to be on your own. You grew and matured whilst growing."

"Hmm."

"Even Chris noticed. Yes he had moved on and got into relationships and whatnot but he never stopped loving you. He always spoke about how this you... this was the you he wanted to be with. The put together you, the polite you, the you that cared about others instead of breaking them apart."

"Losing the person you love does that to you. Forces you to face reality. Do you know how it broke me to see him with someone else man? Happy and smiling and not arguing or crying because of me?"

"He wasn't as happy as he pretended to be."

"I doubt that."

"You weren't around man. You didn't see how he kept asking about you. How he compared every other guy to you and how even though they had the potential to love him, he couldn't let them in because he was still hoping that you'll go back to him."

"But I did. I went back even though I never really left and there he was all snuggly with some dude-"

"Did you ask him about the dude? Or what the conversation was about?"

"I gave him the chance to come clean."

"That was just someone he was talking to before you."

"Okay. And?"

"There's a lot going on... things I can't tell you because it isn't my place to tell you but I can assure you that he was there to comfort and not to make a move on him."

"How would you know? You weren't there. You didn't see what I saw."

"I wasn't there but Chris told me what happened. He explained himself and-"

"And what did he say?"

"That's for him to-"

"I'm asking you. We are closer than him and you."

Danny sighs before running a hand through his hair. "He had just gotten back from visiting his mom. Brian picked him up from the airport because the he didn't get your number as yet and he didn't ask us for it because he wanted to collect it from you. He knew he would be seeing you the next day and he would have gotten it then but yea. Brian picked him up and saw that he was upset. He wanted them to get a drink but Chris refused and so they headed back to his place. Brian is a friend of his so obviously he's gonna wanna cheer him up. Chris told him some of what was going on and maybe they got a little cuddly but that was it bro. They got nothing going on between them."

"So why didn't he just tell me?"

"I dont know. Honestly I don't but maybe you guys aren't at the stage where he tells you when he's hurting."

"I'm just..." I trailed off as I threw my head back and closed my eyes.

I felt tired, the kind of tired that I knew even sleep couldn't fix.

I missed my parents but I missed my mom most of all. I wanted to curl up in her arms as she played with my hair and told me stories about the past. Stories about how she met my dad in the army and how they both fell hard for each other. How their love was forbidden but how forbidden love always made the best stories.

I missed Levi.

I missed how he would always be there for me. How he'd give me space to grow and be myself but worry enough to give me his talks about becoming a man like dad was. The loving, powerful kind. The kind that had his head on and had the respect of those who knew and feared him.

I missed Derek.

He was there with me when his mom came over to say my folks had died. He was there when Levi told me he loved me for the last time and promised he'd never leave me even though seconds later that's exactly what he did.

But mostly...

Mostly I missed Chris because even though I was the most cruel human being in this world, he made the broken pieces that much easier to bear.

He ran his hands across my broken and decided that he loved me even when I thought I didn't deserve it.

Playing with the string of my jeans, I smiled a sad smile as I tried to focus on the movie before me. I never really saw anything and before long the visions before me took on the shape of a blank canvas.

Black and neverending.