The Diary Of a Gopika

State of Moksha

Sitting at the Keshi ghat & witnessing the beautiful sunset that spring evening, I realised how days & years passed losing a part of me to you everyday, until I got completely immersed into your blue self, just like a river merges into the ocean.

The only thing I knew was, even with all these wrinkles, loose eye-sight, grey hair & weak memory – you will still love me and look at me in the same awe like you always do. Because the actual beauty lies in your eyes & heart, not in my kajal or mogra.

The quest for you in my eyes ended, when I realised it's you & only you — here, there, everywhere and there's nothing else left that wasn't you anymore. Both in & around me.

You know when you were physically present in Vrindavan, you were just in one form & one place at a time. I used to run from home to ghats, ghats to vans & vans to upvans to get one glimpse of you. But from the time you left, you literally were omnipresent —
in the soil, sarovars, trees & calfs;
in our words, actions, prayers & thoughts;
in me, her, him & them;
all you, nothing but you — Timeless, endless & boundless!!

At that moment, I could visualise my whole life, right in front of my eyes :

The way you gently caress the cows with utmost love like a mother does to a child, the scene of peacocks dancing their hearts out when you arrive like a rainfall, how trees themselves find shelter in you when you sit under them, the way even birds stop their usual chirping & enjoy the melodies of your flute silently, the ease with which otherwise restless butterflies themselves come & sit on your shoulders, the way you lick your fingers in delight while eating butter, and while you dance with so much grace – your eyes, earrings, morpankh & every blade of grass in the universe dances.. I could see it all. Wondering how happiness comes & lands all by itself, at the feet of every creature in your presence. A magician, truly!!

But before my heart stops, let me finally decode the sound of my heartbeats today. To you. Just to you.

" You know people think I actually fell in love with you the moment I saw you for the first time; but that's not true. On seeing you, I just realised I was always in love with you — from the beginning till the end of the time. It's just that our names & identities are changed.

All my life I have only known love, and I hope even after I leave, the only thing I'll be known for is – loving you. I never wanted to have you all for myself, tried to bind you with mortal feelings, gave name to our relationship, or expected anything in return – including love. Because like you always say – love is not about owning, it's about embracing; and so I embraced everything about you – even moments that gave extreme pain.

You have no clue how falling in love with a nirmohi feels like, and you'll never even have because you are that NIRMOHI who's ever unattached & unaffected. But that's not your fault though. Love is such, it comes in a full package — gives you extreme bliss, makes you dance at one moment, breaks you at another, blesses with unending happiness & curses you with irreversible pain. But in between all this chaos, it also gives you plenty of moments to breathe. Love is not a short lived passion, but a lifetime of devotion.

I may be physically bound to someone else in this life, but my heart & mind have always been yours' right from the very day I saw you. You are the one who raised my heartbeat, gave butterflies in my stomach, offered wings to my desires, filled fragrance in my flowers, gave me beautiful tears, and made me experience all those emotions that I can never dare to put into words. With you, happiness came effortlessly.

As I was immersed in you, your memories touched me like a peacock feather, giving that soft ticklish feeling all over my body. To the world, I looked like a mad woman – smiling, giggling & blushing for no reason, lost in her non-existent world, oblivious to the surroundings, as if in a supreme state of mess. But little did they know, that this state itself is called Moksha — A state every creature prays for, yearns for, & meditates their entire life for : A STATE OF BEING YOU!

Before I leave this mrityu-loka and enter into Go-loka, I got a wish, or as we call it – THE LAST WISH! Kaanha, if you're listening, please for once..

Play the most alluring tunes on your baansuri again, peep into my house like a hungry cat & steal my butter like you always owned it, throw that sharp hypnotic look from the corner of your eyes & drive me insane. Please, for one last time, I want to be that love struck puppy again – roam around the streets of braj, play those hide & seek games with you, dance to your tunes, and run to see you leaving everyone & everything behind. I just want to re-live the feeling of being 'Krishna's Gopika' for once & all. Will you grant me this, or am I asking too much?

After a few moments of ecstasy, I sensed a tinge of pain on the thumb of my left foot, as if a sharp arrow has hit that part from a distance. Probably it's your pain that touched me too, to convey that IT'S TIME NOW. And with that, this Gopika took her last breath too.

The only thing I remember was, how that last breath of mine screamed 'Krishnaa..!!" at once, before jumping out.

Hey Maakhan chor,

My pot (body) is broken now, and the butter in it (soul) is all yours!!

Radhey radhey!!