Until the Stars Fade

Chapter 26

The next week brought more missed calls, voicemail messages and texts. If I wanted to know what Asher was doing, I only had to Google him, which I try not to do. I could see pictures of him shopping, riding a bike, driving into the studio and having dinner out with Levi. Finally, the day before I started classes at UNF, we were able to FaceTime.

"Are you excited about your classes," Asher asks as sits down to eat his dinner. He's been renting a small, furnished apartment because he wasn't sure what part of town he wanted to live or whether he wanted to rent or buy something.

"Yeah, I guess so, a little nervous too," I tell him as I set my iPad down so I can get some stuff ready for the morning.

"Kins, you're going to do great. You're the smartest person I know!"

"Well, clearly you don't know very many people," I reply sarcastically and smile at him. It's nice to actually see his face while I'm talking to him. God, I miss him.

"So, when do you think you'll be able to fly out and visit? Do you have any breaks before Thanksgiving? God, please tell me you do, I need you here with me. It's been a lifetime. I hate being this far away from you," he says.

"I don't remember the dates, but I'm pretty sure we have a 4-day weekend in early October, but that's almost six weeks from now. Do you have any time off before then? Maybe you could come here? It's already been three months since we've seen each other."

"No," he sighs, "I don't really have any time off until almost Christmas. Our schedule is stupid busy. I'm anxious to start filming this week, but not looking forward to those really long days. Especially since they mean time away from you. I love you Kinsley. Don't forget it."

"I love you too Asher. I have to go, it's getting late and I have a 9am class and want to make sure I get there early and don't get lost." I'm already tucked into my bed and wishing he were here next to me.

"Yeah, ok, of course," he stutters, "call me tomorrow. I can't wait to hear all about your first day as a college student! Goodnight, love you babe." I end our call and turn out the light and for what feels like the hundredth day in a row, I cry myself to sleep.

Two weeks into college and so far, so good. There's a handful of kids from my high school I recognize as I cross campus and Hazel and I determined we can meet for lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays between classes. I'm currently waiting for her in a little café right off campus and reviewing some notes for my next class. As Hazel breezes in and sits down, someone at the table next to us practically shouts, "OH MY GOD, did you guys see this?" Hazel and I turn towards them as the girl shows her phone to her friends. "Holy crap, Asher James is H-O-T hot. Who's that girl he's kissing?" I can feel the shock register on my face and I feel lightheaded. "I thought he had a girlfriend," one of the other girls says. "Well, I don't know who that girl is, but she's so lucky to be kissing Asher James. What I wouldn't give to trade places with her," another girl says.

Meanwhile, Hazel has pulled out her own phone and is furiously looking online for what they're talking about. When she does, she hands the phone over to me. Sure enough, it's Asher and he's leaning down kissing some girl. My heart is racing, this cannot be happening. I trust Asher, he wouldn't cheat on me. There has to be some kind of explanation. I've seen plenty of misleading pictures and headlines before.

"Kinsley," Hazel snaps at me, "just call him. You need to talk to him before you jump to conclusions. This isn't something he would do," she reminds me.

"I know, you're right," I say, trying to sound convincing. I get my own phone out and send Asher a text.

There's a picture online of you kissing some girl. Can you please call me?

I'm trying not to panic but I'm not doing a very good job. Hazel tries to distract me through lunch when Asher doesn't get back to me. I stare absentmindedly through my afternoon classes then head home, both physically and mentally exhausted. Hours later I still haven't heard from him. My mind is conjuring all sorts of things, and without reassurance from Asher, it seems anything is possible. I fall asleep after midnight with my phone in my hand. It rings at 2am and I fumble around to answer it.

"Ash, is that you?" I ask groggily.

"Oh my god, Kinsley, I'm so sorry to call you so late and wake you up but I had to talk to you. I've been filming all day and my phone died and whatever, that's not important. I'm so sorry you had to see that picture," he spits out. He sounds like he's been running, breathing really heavy.

"Where are you? You sound winded," I say, clearly my mind is not all the way awake at this point.

"I just rushed in from the car to plug my phone in and I've been pacing around my apartment. But Kins, that picture was nothing. I was not kissing that girl. Well, I mean, I was, but not like that. God, what a mess," he shouts.

"Who is she Asher? I don't understand what you're trying to say," I tell him. I'm definitely awake now.

"She's a friend of Levi's and I've been hanging out with him and his friends. She's cool, you would really like her. In fact, all I pretty much ever talk to her about is you. We all went out to dinner and when we left, I hugged her and she kissed me, like a friend kiss. It wasn't anything, I swear to you." I know he's running his fingers through his hair and I can hear him still pacing.

"I believe you Ash, I do. But do you know what was going through my head all day when I didn't hear back from you? I trust you, but I've been over here freaking out imagining all these terrible things. This isn't working, we're too far apart. I don't think I can do this," I cry as I can feel the sobs building, tears falling down my cheeks.

"What are you saying Kins?" he whispers. "Are you giving up on us? On me?"

"No, I...I don't know. I love you so much but I can't spend the next four years across the country from you. I can't cry myself to sleep anymore nights. I don't know what to do. How is this ever going to work?"

"We can figure this out. It's not great now, but, somehow, we can make this work. I don't want to lose you," he pleads.

"I just need some time, maybe we should take a break. We haven't seen each other in months and we barely have time to even talk on the phone. Asher, it's 3am for god's sake, this can't be our lives. I need to concentrate on school and you just started back to work. Maybe a break will help us figure this out, I don't know. I feel like I've already lost you," I tell him between deep breaths and tears.

"Don't do this Kins. Until the stars fade and the oceans are dry, remember?" Asher sounds broken, just like I am.

"I have to. I'm sorry. I love you and no matter what happens, I will always love you. But I don't think I can be your girlfriend right now," I say, "please don't make this any harder than it already is."

"This isn't what I want, but I'd do anything for you and if this is what you want, then, ok...just take some time and we'll figure this out, maybe you'll feel differently in the morning," he says softly. "I love you Kinsley. Until forever, always, until forever."

"Goodbye Asher," I cry and hang up.

Oh my god, what have I done? I just broke up with Asher James.