Until the Stars Fade

Chapter 35

Sunday feels like a dream. Asher picks me up and drives me to Gogo's for lunch. She insisted on making lunch instead of ordering in, and prepared an amazing spread. Of course, she loved catching up with Asher and I was all but cut out of the conversation when they started talking about books. Asher insisted on mailing her a box full of biographies he's read recently even though Gogo was adamant that the shipping cost would be too much. Even though he's ridiculously famous and probably now worth millions of dollars, Gogo is still worried about the cost of shipping a box of books across the county. Seeing the two of them together, talking like no time has passed, makes me both happy and a little sad. Sad that Asher and I aren't together anymore because just spending these few days with him has made me remember how much I loved him and how I felt when I was with him.

Even though I was a teenager, our love ran deep and was more real than anything I've ever experienced. It scares me to think that I might never have that again. That I gave up that love because the life Asher is leading is too much for me, too overwhelming, too exposed. I'm beginning to wonder if I should have tried harder, if it's not too late.

After leaving Gogo's, Asher drives through the historic neighborhood stopping in front of Gogo and PopPop's old house.

"Do you still picture yourself living there," he asks pulling up to the curb across the street from the house.

"Sometimes," I say honestly. "I really loved that house. But really, I think more than loving the house, I loved the way I felt inside the house. Gogo and PopPop loved me with everything they had, Gogo still does. They loved me and made me feel safe and wanted. It's something I never really felt from my parents." I stare out the window at the old house and can almost see my younger self running through the sprinkler in the front yard or riding my bike down the sidewalk. The house was filled with nothing but happiness and love.

"So, what's your plan then," Asher asks looking past me to the house.

"My plan for what?"

"To buy the house silly! It's your dream, you deserved to have your dream fulfilled. You're resourceful, you'll find a way. You're going to live in that house someday Kinsley, trust me." He says this with such conviction I want to believe him, even though this is one dream that's just not going to happen.

"Mind if we go to the beach," Asher asks as he pulls away from the house. "The Pacific Ocean is not the Atlantic Ocean. I thought maybe we could walk on the beach and then grab some food at that restaurant right on the water, that seafood place I loved, is that still there?"

"Yeah, the restaurant is still there, but it might be crowded since the weather's so nice today. Are you sure you want to go somewhere that public?" I don't know if I'm ready to be with Asher James, the actor. I'm enjoying being with Asher James, the seemingly ordinary guy that I used to love and maybe still do.

"Let's check it out and if it's too crazy, we'll come up with a plan B." He drives us to the beach and we park in the public lot. He dons his baseball hat and sunglasses and we head to the beach. It's late afternoon so it's not overly crowded and we weave our way through sunbathers and kids making sandcastles down to the water's edge. We walk silently, Asher with his feet in the warm water, just listening to the waves come in and out. Part of me wants him to take my hand and hold it in his, just like we used to do when we walked on the beach, but the other part of me is terrified what will happen if he does.

We make small talk as we walk, the sand feeling cool between my toes. We've finally reached the waterfront restaurant Asher likes, brush the sand off our feet and make our way up the steps from the beach to the outdoor dining area. A hostess seats us in the corner of the patio, right next to the water. Since we're eating outside, Asher is able to keep his sunglasses on without drawing any attention and it seems like no one has recognized him yet.

We've ordered our drinks and are deliberating over the menu, when a server arrives with our drinks. She sets them down on the table and stares at Asher.

"Oh my gosh," she says, "you look just like that guy on that show Southside. Umm, his name is, oh geez, I can't remember, it'll come to me in a sec." She's tapping her manicured nail on the table.

"Asher James," he says to her smiling.

"Yes!" she squeals, "Asher James. You look just like him."

"Yeah," Asher replies, "I get that a lot. Thanks for the drink." He picks up his drink and takes a sip as she smiles at him and walks away. He just laughs once she's gone. "That was a close one, although outside of LA and New York, people don't normally expect to see celebrities, so lots of people have told me I look like myself before."

"So weird," I say picking up my own drink. "The idea of not being able to go anywhere I wanted without an audience doesn't sound like a good time."

"It's not always as bad as it seems. I'm blessed to be doing what I love, with great people. Whenever Southside comes to an end, I like to think it will open the door for lots more opportunities."

We order our dinner and spend the time before it arrives just talking about anything and everything. It's like no time has passed, the ease in which our conversation flows is remarkable. When our dinner arrives, I have Asher laughing so hard, telling him about the freelance project Jake had designing a logo for an adult store, that he can hardly chew his food.

Before we know it, the sun is getting low in the sky and Asher says we need to head back to the car. We walk back on the street this time to save time and we're both quiet, probably wondering what happens now that he's leaving and headed back to LA.

Asher parks his rental car outside my apartment building and we both get out. He takes my hands in his and gives me this questioning look.

"Kinsley, this weekend has been more than I ever hoped it would be. I was so sure you were going to slam the door in my face when I showed up Friday night. Spending these two days with you just affirms to me how much I need you in my life."

"Asher, I don't know what to say. I don't..."

"Don't say anything, just listen," he pleads squeezing my hands, "I know you're scared, I can see it all over your face. But I'm scared too. I have to go back to LA, but that doesn't mean we can't be in each other's lives. All I'm asking is that you give me a chance to be in your life again. To be your friend again. We can text or talk on the phone, hell, I don't know, maybe you want to come visit sometime."

"I don't know. You're right, I am scared. Being with you this weekend has brought back so many memories, so many good memories. But when you left, I was so hurt and broken, I don't want to go through that again." I pull my hands from his, needing a little distance between us.

"That won't happen again Kins. I won't let it. You're too important to me. I didn't handle it well three years ago, but this is different. I'm different now." He sounds so sure of everything he's saying but I feel anything but sure.

"You can't promise that Asher. I need some time to think about it, ok?" The flash of disappointment I see on his face is fleeting and then he smiles at me.

"I understand, I really do," he says, "but I hope you don't take too much time." He laughs to try and lighten the moment and then opens his arms to me. Without a second thought I step into his embrace and try to soak in as much Asher as I can, not know when or if I'll see him again.

"I better go," he says as he kisses my forehead. "I have to return the rental car and if I miss my flight, I'll never hear the end of it at work." He releases me and holds me at arm's length. "God, you're beautiful."

"Yeah, well, you're not so bad yourself Asher James," I smirk at him. He steps away and opens the car door.

"Call me anytime Kinsley, day, night, it doesn't matter. Just call. Or text. Or FaceTime." He gives me this look as if he's memorizing this moment, probably just like I am, then he gets into the car and closes the door. He waves as he drives away and I'm left standing in front of my building feeling empty. I have no idea what to do next.