Until the Stars Fade

Chapter 30

"Gogo! Are you here? Where are you?" I didn't give her any warning I was coming so I have no idea if she's even here or not.

"In the kitchen dear," she calls out. I make my way to the kitchen to find her pulling things out of the frig. "I had a hankering for a grilled cheese. Can I make you one too?" As soon as she says the words, my stomach growls loudly and she laughs. "I'll take that as a yes, why don't you sit down. I didn't know you were stopping by, but I'm happy to see you." She kisses my cheek and hands me a glass of lemonade. I sit down at her kitchen island and watch her prepare our sandwiches.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask as if she'll just know what I'm talking about.

"Tell you what?" She puts the sandwiches on the griddle and pulls two plates out for us.

"You've been in touch with Asher? You never told me. Why would you go behind my back like that?"

"Oh dear," she says, "I'm sorry I never told you, it just never seemed like a good idea. And I didn't want you to be hurt more than you already were. And when you seemed to turn things around and started finding yourself, I just couldn't bring myself to tell you then either."

"I don't understand Gogo. How? When? Why?" I have so many questions and just like with Oliver, I'm not giving her any time to answer them.

"Do you remember when I was getting chemo treatments?" She flips the sandwiches one more time and puts them on the plates. She hands me my sandwich and sits down next to me.

"Yeah, I remember, what does you getting chemo have to do with anything?" I take a bite of grilled cheese and moan because it's so delicious. "This is so good Gogo, thank you. I really needed this today."

"You're welcome dear, I'll feed you anytime, you know that. Anyway, when I started chemo, you were away on your trip and Asher came and sat with me and brought flowers and ice cream. It sort of became a thing and when he moved, he had them delivered instead. It was very sweet of him."

I think back to the one time I sat with Gogo during treatment, it was her last one and flowers and ice cream were delivered but she didn't say who they were from. I was too sad missing Asher to ask too many questions. "Every treatment he did that?" I don't know why I'm surprised, Asher was always thoughtful towards the people he cared about.

"Yes, every treatment, he was there and when he couldn't be there he made sure I knew he was thinking about me. You two were together for two years, Kinsley, and he was special to me too. Obviously not in the same way, but I cared about him. I still care about him. So when he moved to LA, we kept in touch. He calls from time to time and he still sends flowers. But I'm not a fool Kinsley. He calls because he cares about you. He wants to know that you are ok, that you're happy."

I don't know what to say. I still can't believe Asher and Gogo have been in touch over the last three years. He hasn't reached out to me at all. Sure, he always texts me on my birthday and Christmas, but he's never called, not after the first couple months after we broke up. I never answered, so I just assumed he forgot about me and moved on. But now, knowing all this time he's been keeping tabs on me, I don't know how to feel.

"Gogo, I didn't know." Obviously, she knows I didn't know, I don't know why I even say it. "Why didn't he call or come visit?"

"He knew you were hurt and he had to move across the country, he didn't want to make things harder on you. He just wanted you to be happy. You were both young, it was challenging for both of you, but I think he felt like if he let you go, that you would find your way and he didn't want to stand in the way of you doing that."

"Oh." It's all I can muster at this point. I push the plate away, stand up and walk out to the balcony. As I stare out over the river, I feel the tears start. Before I know it, I'm sobbing and Gogo has wrapped her arms around me. She steers me towards the lounge chair and we sit down next to each other as she rubs my back. "I loved him so much Gogo. It hurt for so long after he was gone and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to call him every day and I just couldn't because it felt impossible. Maybe I should have tried harder. I ruined everything." She sits back and I lean my head onto her lap and just cry as she strokes my hair. Eventually I cry myself out and fall asleep in Gogo's lap like I did so many times as a child.

When I wake sometime later, Gogo is reading a book, with me in her lap. She looks down at me, "Feeling any better?"

"I don't know, yes...no, I don't know, maybe. I just feel overwhelmed learning all this three years later."

"I know, it's a lot, but you'll figure it out. Maybe you should talk to Asher, that's the only way to sort anything out." She closes her book and I sit up.

"I don't think there is anything to sort out at this point. Too much time has passed to change anything. We've both moved on." I say this, although I'm not sure if it's actually true. Asher has always been there in the back of my mind whether I wanted to acknowledge that or not.

"Whatever you want Kinsley, it's your life, you decide. Now, why don't you freshen up and we'll walk into town and do some shopping and get a bite to eat?" And just like that, the conversation is over.

I spend the rest of the day with Gogo but the whole time, my mind is spinning, I keep thinking about Asher calling Gogo all these years to check up on me. I don't know what it means and I think I'm too afraid to find out. I don't want to be hurt all over again.