Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 6

I was sexually harassed when i was 9 years old.

The story is similar to other stories about children getting sexually harassed. One distant relative from family who was trusted by my father and mother. He left me a never-ending fear made by a thing that i often heard about and saw in news but never thought that it will ever happen to me. The year that it happened when i was 9 years old it wasn't the last time and he also wasn't the only one that did it to me.

Sitting here now and thinking back i'm not really sure why i never told this story to anyone and this is probably the first time i'm telling this and also the last time.

It's one of the most important memory for me now but when i was nine years old how could i think of that memory as the most important? I was 9 years old and even after all these years till now i still get skeptical about this memory. I don't understand if it's real or if it's just my imagination (pretty sure that my parents would think so), if it was just one of my nightmares (i often had nightmares), if that thing was right or wrong, what is considered right and wrong anyway? The only thing that i was 100% sure at that moment was: This is my fault for 100%. It happened because of what i said, what i did, it's only my fault.

From that moment nothing ever scared me as much as my own thoughts. It was the realization that i will never be able to run away from myself. Even before i turned into that rebellious age doing whatever i wanted to i realized that i really can do whatever i want to but i will never run away from the consequences from these doings. And i started to panick. And i started to scream. And i realized that i'm still young and still got a lot of time to do the wrong things.At that time i was at a pool place and i slipped and fell down deep into the water. I was sinking and i was scared but i also had this weird feeling like it was good and strangely calming. I thought that i was gonna die at that moment and the only thing that crossed my mind at the time was: „This is it ?, It's finally happening!!" I was alone in a darkness surrounded by bubbles from my mouth and i felt helpless and i let go of everything. At that moment i felt like i was drowning more into myself than into the water.

Of course, the person who ruined that moment appeared, pulled me up and saved me.

After that i was never scared of darkness i didn't have any monsters hiding under my bed anymore because now i made sure to always be alone so i can always be with myself only.I knew that i would do something crazy, i was thinking about jumping into a pool again when nobody was around to be truly alone and to feel the calming feeling that the end could bring to me. I knew that i would like it. I was scared, i was scared of my thoughts that were fighting with each other everyday, everytime i went to a pool i asked myself: „Should i jump? Should i not? Jump or not ?" At that time i didn't understand what does that desire mean i just knew that no one would like to have a desire like this and i got scared of myself - because of how that thing can make me feel like this. It's for sure my fault, without discussion. Why is that, why am i different? I don't want to be different i want to be normal like a good girl.

Later when i developed bulimia there would be one thing that i will realize later only after the problem gets out of control: That is made me look like a little girl and i loved it. Seventy seven pounds, 155 cm tall with a love for flowy skirts and straight bangs, i looked like 12 year old.My doctor said that it is a normal thing and common for people who have struggles with food with a history of concussion as a kid, that i was too hurt by life and that's the reason i want to come back to my childhood the time when i didn't have worries.

Doctor, you are wrong, what kind of childhood doesn't bring any worries. Whatever, just stay at that opinion and give me a lot of painkillers.

Growing up, starting to work for money i always rewarded myself with a good kid card because i was the youngest. At 15 years old living alone i had to ask my boyfriend to become my legal guardian because i wasn't old enough to sign documents from school, organizing a dance tournament in night club and not being able to be there. I took that reason as a honor and a a reason to live a promiscuous life. When should i have fun if not while being young? Screw everything else.And like that, before every birthday i was scared to death.