Part 22

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There is one thing called the Kubler - Ross diagram , it comes with five steps that a person has to go through when losing someone:


- Step 1 is denial.- Step 2 is angry.- Step 3 is bargain.- Step 4 is depression.- Step 5 is acceptance.


When you lose yourself, you will see that it's the same.


At first i didn't believe it too, i didn't care, i thought that i don't need any meds because i'm just a normal person. Then i turned crazy, got angry at everything, why is it me, why am i being me. Then i struggled, betrayed everything, i ran in all four directions to find a crompromise with myself. Everyone knows about depression, it's the longest thing that happened in this life, so long that i don't even remember the last time i was happy.


And now, i just have to accept it.


Me and my voices are always fighting day and night but we can understand each other pretty well like a married couple that have lived together for a long time that will find a way to accept each other in the end. I raised my voice, i destroyed everything, but at the end of the day we realize that we are inseparable, we have no choice and we come to love each other's dissatisfaction.


For a long time i played hide and seek alone.


My boyfriend and i were often far from each other. I travelled so much i maybe spent only four months in Singapore in one year so i had a reason for being far away. But when i was next to him i felt no change. He was there but he was also never there: This thing helped me but also killed me too. When i was drowning too far away his silence was the chilling reminder that i'm too different, i had to go back into the community, the chillingness, the result of an invisible scold, the feeling was like the day Mom and Dad had a visitor to come to our house and Dad peered out from the corner of the room. It was effective because there was no punishment as terrible as the one i imagined for myself. But there are times when i need to be alone, the silence being the most secure and understandable way for me to know that whatever i did in that closed room, coming out of it i will have him waiting for me even though i can't hear, see or see him.


One more thing that i've never told him but i still kept it inside me from the first time: I live with you because i know that you're always doing jobs that you have to do so when one day i pass away, you will still have to go on and live. This to me was a sure thing, an affirmation, a contract that is more secure than any other, even marriage. My friends always asked me how is it between me and him, living together for six years already, him being thirty-one years old already. Asian family, parents urging, the whole world investigating. I've always said that i will stay with you until the end of the world, i truly believed it, even if the end could last for six hours, six days or sixty years. When i wasn't sure about my life, i was even more sure about the life with me and him.


Me loving someone or liking someone it was all the same, they were happy because we just started and i was sad because i knew the end already.

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