Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 32

About six months before i graduated i was dealing with decisions that have made me crazy (even more). After i finished school i have to leave Singapore because of my expired residence and i had no idea what to do next. My blog wasn't that big that i could call it a career, if i wanted to stay in Singapore i would have to find a full-time job. What kind of job, where to work, is there a place that will pay me enough for my rent, food, my passions without making me rot because i will be sad and bored? If i moved from Singapore, where would i go? Places that i've been to or places that i've never been to? Asia? Australia? Africa? Europe? And what will i do there?

I'm not a person who would live too realistically. Even when i was working part time i considered myself a puppy, i still thought that i was a princess waiting. Everything that everyone have to think and worry about, somehow i survived it all for twenty years. People worried about going to school and i only worried about leaving school, everyone worried about going to work while i was online at home, when everyone is worried about their family i would lie in bed and think if i have enough strength to get up and wash my hair.

Suddenly having life throwing rocks at me, i just sat there because i had no instincts in me anymore. I can maybe blame my life to my childhood when i was shielded too much that i didn't thought about normal life, maybe i can blame it on my adult life being on streets too much not thinking about normal life, i don't even know. I don't know how much a bunch of vegetable cost but i knew exactly how much i needed to make an Iron Man cosplay. Far from the world and hanging in the middle of nowhere, i am too alone for anyone to bring me down to earth. If everything in the world was number 0 or 1 milion, 999999999 numbers in the middle would be jumping like an exercise from grade five.

And still in those six months i still lived like a true twenty year old. Maybe it was just a demo version of teen life but it made me dizzy. At twenty graduating from school to do what now, where to live now, how does future look like? For the first time i've told these concerns to someone and they could understand and had the same problems, it made me paranoid that maybe i just got up and this was a real life. Maybe because of that, The Earth called me home. I returned to Ha Noi.

I blindly believed that this was a good chance for me to get out of virtual world, get back into my friends embraces, that Viet Nam is going to be my rehab.

But i was wrong, absolutely wrong, after everything was done and i brought my last bags inside the room small like a nostril near old street at Bo Ho, i knew right away that i just made the worst decision in my life filled with wrong choices already.

Being a person far away, whenever i had a chance to go home, Ha Noi was to me like a „safe place". Whenever life in Singapore made me suffocate i would go back to welcome winter and feel better. But i totaly forgot how Ha Noi can be cold. Never, never return to a place where you treasure your nicest memories, because there is no place that can be called a happy place. All of that are just minutes, those feelings belong to different time that you were lucky to get when you were home. Time can't go backwards so the space can never return you back to those happy times. Besides, if you will keep digging and the more you try to hold on to your past you will only see all your trash that you passed by while looking only at beautiful things and then that piece of land will become a piece of ground in the middle of a large lake that you have made.

My feeling at that time like a bag covering all other emotions, a shortfall. My picture of Ha Noi was painted with multicolored tin. Friendships slowly fainted. Whenever i went to, there were the same questions from faces that i knew and from strangers: You are back in Viet Nam, when did you came, did you find a job, let's grab coffee sometimes. My living in Ha Noi was the same as coffee dates, it is a empty promise, hold on to what happened with a common destination that it never happened.

Coming home is also the affirmation that you are still doing things that you need to do, that you have to do, you still smile, you still breathe, nobody really cares about how you're doing right now as long as it won't affect anyone them. It is nobodys fault, pair of eyes are not born for looking deeper than the outside but mouth is not made only for speaking truth. My dear Thao, when i was still in Singapore i would whine about being sad and Thao said to everyone: „She's hopeless, being in hospital all time, don't know how long she will live." When i was back in Viet Nam and Thao opened the door and saw me alive, she said: „She's fine, just a little bit sad."
My boyfrienfd chosed to stay in Singapore. He said no matter where you went to, it will be the same, i still have a job, a Singapore citizenship card that i have to keep, i can't go anywhere with you. I wanted to hold him and cry but i could only tell him that i hate distance. He said: „You are never in Singapore anyway." Such a fact that i couldn't even talk back, didn't let him go but still wanted to receive back. Already faraway, we got even more far, we said goodbye at the airport, hope that we will meet each other again someday with no plans for our future, only: „Remember to text me when you arrive, ok." He always only said: „I still have responsibilities." I wanted to say: „What about me being your responsibility?", but couldn't say it aloud. I'm not the dependent type od person, i'm not a weak person.