Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 24

I spend too much time on google looking for ways to commit suicide. I read a lot of books about suicide, watched many movies and documents about suicide and if there was a subject at school about suicide, i would probably be the valedictorian.

Usually i would watch out for news about suicides and then think about how they did it, how they arranged it, what things did they prepare to calculate the percentage involved. Because of the reason that a lot of countries are counting commiting suicide as an act of breaking the law i had to go on Deep Web to look for real specs and informations, studies related that scientists are not allowed to disclose on the World Wide Web. With all kinds of sick things on Deep Web i'm probably the only one that is using it to look for scientific evidences for self-killing.

There is one parameter that i've read a while ago that made me panic: Only one person really dies from twenty-five people commiting suicide. The number of successfull deaths of males is higher than females for four times. I'm a person who is scared to fail so i like to make specific plans and 12983102 backup plans after having too unfortunate life doing everything wrong and i have to learn because if you want to die, you have to eat it.

Of course the matter of life and death is never the way that we want it to be. I've already commited suicide two times and if you're still not able to guess right, i've failed two times.First time, i did it the way the newly depressed person would do: Overdose on sleeping pills, booking a hotel room, lying in a bath tub with slashed wrists. Few minutes in and i started to feel tired and felt like i was flying, after few minutes i was starting to feel cold, after few minutes later i lost my body sensations. The wrong thing that i did there was lying in a bathtub, red water slowly rising and overflowing to the floor and i thought to myself if someone had to clean this shiny blood then it wouldn't be so good. So i got up and looked for a mop to clean the floor. On the way i called the ambulance. The sound of the ambulance after eight hundred and forty seconds after i hang up the cell phone, the next day i was returned to society in a stable condition and some bandages.

The second time, after one year, after i've reached the intermediate level in the suicide subject. I confidently moved on to using a more complex method - helium gas. I've thought about this thing one day after i was discharged from the hospital last year, tried out variety of installations with a full range of devices mostly purchased at the home appliance store: a helium flask, a diffuser, a large plastic bag that i sewed wire around the piece, 10/8 mg PVC tube and some tranquilizer bottles. They call this a drowning, when you put a plastic bag over your head and breath normal air, but in helium you don't have oxygen so even if you breathe and the body is not reacting to asphyxiation your brain should be dead in about twenty minutes.

I went home from school, put my dirty clothes in the washing machine, went into my room and put a plastic bag over my head. Pressing all the air around, turned on the helium, waited until the bag won't grow, inhaled once and put the bag to my face.

I woke up after twenty minutes with a headache, put the bag out, went down the house, pushed the button to start a washing machine, and prepared books for tomorrows lesson.

I still clearly remember the day that i've called to helpline for people who wanted to commit suicide. At the time i didn't even planned to kill myself i just wanted to see how it will go. The girl on the other line had a very soft voice telling me the survivors who committed suicide always regretted it. That once upon a time she was also jumping from the bridge but when she was in the middle and about to touch the water she realized that all the problems that she had were all so small and suddenly she got scared and wanted to live and was almost too late. I said to her that she's lying because after two failed attempts at suicide i felt nothing besides finding another thing that i failed at. I started arguing with her, i don't have any problems causing me to want to commit suicide, because i lived that's why i wanted to commit suicide. I didn't want to die, i didn't want to kill myself, but above all of this i didn't want to live. I'm not some third-grade student who wants to commit suicide because of failed love, also not because i'm poor, or because it's hard, or school, or class, or work, or society that i wanted to die. I even liked the loneliness. The main problem of mine is i have one body, one brain, one heart, born in a well-off class where people don't give you the right to be sad, you have to live your best, live your best and then you die. My problem is simply that living is a procedure too time consuming, too much effort, while at the end of the race everyone is the loser.

Truly, if i had a different choice i wouldn't choose death. It's too painful both to the person who does it and for the other ones who stay. The thing that i want here is that i want to disappear. Memories wiped out, sadness gone away, one morning not waking up because i don't exist. Life will still go on like i was never there, everyone waking up to eat breakfast not thinking about this girl, this friend, this colleague. I will simply don't exist over there and never will be.

Main thing that makes the act of committing suicide worse are the talks, the confessions, and the sharing about suicide. Funny thing, usually those who have the intention of attempting suicide will never talk about suicide. It's a personal thing, a safe corner, and only those who completely don't understand about this will talk about suicide like a story during dinner time.