Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 38

But of course, story about the end cannot be stuck there forever.

From the time i went back to Vietnam i had a friend named Phuong, a photographer, he took photos for my blog. Two of us always went to work together so we talked with each other alot and became close pretty fast. But not close enough like time we spent together wasn't enough, it was just good enough to have a blunt together and talk about life sometimes. Phuong was the same as me at one point, he was also a person with many plans and ambitions so we understood each other at that point, working wholeheartedly.

On one beautiful day even though money i didn't have, time was never enough, Phuong told me that Phuong will travel around Vietnam to take a collection of photos. He told me many times to go with him, i won't go, simply if i would sit on the motorbike then i would be able to go but the distance between my house to that motorbike i can't do it. And then being somehow crazy when he already left i called him again and said: „Hey, let me go with you.". At that time i thought of nothing, simply just wanted to find a way to run away from something invisible that was coming and also simultaneously thought, maybe i will go find my own happy ending.

Phuong said that he will take one of his friends to go together okay a person that i have never met, could i take a train and rent a motorbike with him, his name is Nam from Hue and together go to Sai Gon.

I was shy. I am not a person who can get comfortable with a stranger but don't know why, somehow at that time i was very sure about wanting to go. I inboxed Nam asking: „Do you want to go with me." He replied: „Yes." I was suprised but it was a good kind of surprise. I always went alone, never went somewhere with someone so i was super excited. Throwing my things into a bag and one hour later i was already at the train station waiting for Nam.

Right after we met at the train he said give me your bag it is too heavy, i was firm about saying no because inside i had a bunch of drugs and LSD that i put in together with few packets of instant noodles.

He went into a train with me, said that he never played with anything then took LSD and put it into his mouth.

From that moment, the whole trip was enough.

It is hard to describe everything that happened when we went together, rode together, flew together, wobbled together. We talked about everything and we also talked about nothing at all. We went from freezing to death, making a bonfire lying together at the beach to running from a heat riding a motorbike for 140 km/h. Hair messy, face scorched, smelly and dirty. Lauging a lot, worries abound. But everything, it was enough. Enough for me to think what are we to each other. Enough for me to want him to become mine. Enough for me to wonder every question that he asks, what is he really asking about.

Only in two days, sitting together on a train i realized that i completely have no idea what me and he will become but me and My Boyfriend was a complete mistake.

I realized a reason why My Boyfriend was always standing there. It wasn't because he was always rooting for me even when he didn't understand - but because he was scared. Filled with fear and burning, it was following us, sticky like summer heat making me think that it was adrenaline from love. I will always and forever be a hidden number to him and he didn't want to understand, he just stood there, staring. Maybe because he was scared, if he understood me he wouldn't want me anymore, but i believed in his truth, that it was a right choice: He always said to me that i have talent, have education and have a potential to make even him better. Maybe he was scared, if he could really understand he wouldn't be himself anymore because i am right, because life is really a big piece of shit and he would be forever wounded if he decided to look into the truth, pushed the door and went in.

I messaged him that i am breaking up with him and was suprised at myself because i didn't felt anything at all. It should be at least a peak, right?

But no, nothing at all. I looked and looked and still couldn't find at least one drop of tear both inside and outside and also couldn't be disappointed at myself at all for that.

Nam, i said to him that life is really sad, i talked a lot, i can't remember the last time i talked this much. I couldn't shut up, i talked until my hand were shaking every moment and my voice was all broken, i am really sad and you feel like a close person looking out for a person having cancer in hospital. I am sorry, me telling these stories you are probably very bored. He told me yes, that's right, so fucking bored. Later he will also tell: „Yes Nhi, there is happy and there is sad and if i don't have you i have nothing." But this is a story for later. And at that time he said that he was really bored, very very bored, but he laughed out loud and all i could think about was how his laugh was so beautiful.

Like that and like that we held each others hands, going somewhere we didn't even know on the slippery and steep path we held each other tight and didn't care about anyhing, to see where we will arrive to. I can still feel the warm from him holding my hand and me for the first time after a very long time could feel wind blowing on my ear, realizing that my body temperature is higher than winter wind in Ha Noi. After five days of knowing each other we hugged each other at night, we wiggled together even in each other's dreams and for the first time after a very long time i wasn't scared of touches anymore.

Like that, just like that.

Not a word about love, not a word about promise and suddently i was scared. Walking around the Earth alone, being in a mental hospital, using everything to kill one horse and i was still stubborn and suddenly now i was scared of something invisible without a name. I asked him: „When we finish this trip and i would ask you to go with me again, would you?", and he kissed me at some random Central train station.