Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 36

Like everything else, i worry way too much about a book that i am writing right now. I worry about life because it has too many, too many things that could go wrong even for a moment so a book about life is no difference.

I am poor, i know it. In the fridge there is pink salt from Greek and a bunch of dressings for salad from US but there is no food. Apartment in a city centre, take three steps and you will arrive at Bo Ho but there is only one thin mattress on the floor, unfurnished but there are few purebread pocket-sized cats and dogs. I use Iphone that was released a month ago so i can check my online bank account with 1 dollar in it.

The later, the greater the irony. I'm not a market blogger so i will always work like eat and then fall and then going home empty. I don't allow myself to sign any kind of contract because of money because i know that because of my circumstances if i will do it once then there will be a second time and i'm not a person to sell myself for cheap. I only accept things that i really like and brands on market are scared to hire a girl with cuts all over her body who is whining all day and is too controversial so the small amount of money that i get from fashion designers are really cool and i put it all into creating photos again. Many years doing blog i have never used any outfit twice, shot on the same place twice and never used the same concept again and also the life of the profession is already silver and i don't know how far can i go anymore.

Like an idea that one day i realized how much i hate my life, on one beautiful day i will realize that i hate the book about my life very very much. Life hates me too so a book about my life will hate me too... and the stares that everyone are giving to me (or the stare they give to each other after seeing me) are usually boring and now they are even frustrating and more anxious. And then what if my book will become a different kind of book for girls not related to any of these lofty goals, shortly everything boring before till now will be added up and multiplied by a number of book prints.

Finishing first part from third i was already sure that this book will become a joke. Finishing second part i was laughing for sure when i realized that i worry too much about what will happen when i finish writing. I died of laughter when i realized that my life can't be translated at all, better or worse, simply There Is Nothing Going On at all and i'm worrying about the end that might never even happen.

Tet 2016 was my first Tet in Viet Nam alone from the time i went to study overseas. I often acted like i didn't gave any attention to it like every another holiday, ignored the world and never questioned myself about why i was always alone. But the truth is i cared about my parents, i was worried to death and i wanted to die.

Everytime Tet was near i always had to run away from the cold, every year another country, everyday telling to myself another new happy thing to lie to myself that i'm good. Yes, i'm on a vacation and it's really fun, the weather here is really good, met a lot of new friends, repeating until i started to believe in it too. Korea, India, Thailand, Tibet, Philipines, i went through them all, mobile phone always on airplane mode so when i came home it was normal days again with everyday normal worries.

Place that i visit most often on holidays is Las Vegas, place that everyone seems to have something to hide so nobody asks any why or when questions. Place that doesn't have windows, doesn't have days and nights with perfect temperature not hot not cold, all happiness is perpetrual and eternal. I was never fully 21 years old but i still sneaked in to watch strip shows, pulled the slot machine to look for 3 7 every night. Not eating, not sleeping, truly in Vegas you never know that three hours, three days or three weeks have already passed, it's a perfect place to go and hide. Card constantly swiping and me constantly happy, when coming back home i also had a story to share about how this Tet this year was really costly.

So i don't understand at all what did i think about but Tet 2016 i went straight back to Viet Nam. Now sitting and thinking why did i do that back then i can't remember at all, maybe because simply i didn't think at all i just went with the flow. Maybe i felt that it was time, it was time for me to go back home to face my fears i am already 21 years old. Also, before i didn't live in Viet Nam so telling to myself that i can go was acceptable, now my home was here, my life was here not leaving home for few months straight then there is no reason for me to leave on December?All my cowardices in me won, it made me think, i was scared that i couldn't live through these seven days, actually past the new Eve night so on the night of 28 when Tet arrived to Ha Noi sitting at home not even for five minutes i used all money from Tet annual fund to buy weed and drugs for myself and for my friends to get high. I decided to let myself pass out for the rest of the week so i don't have to look at the loser in the mirror, making it brush teeth every morning.I covered my timetable with having fun so when i was done with this wave i could go on to the next one right away. Tet 2016, everything is just like a blurry dream. My counsciousness disappeared slowly with each round of fun, like a storm, me just seeing a starting point and the end covered in black has already arrived.

But the irony is real, ending the happiness and jumping to another one and i was still wondering and didn't understand where the happiness was.

Teu called me and said that he already got the toy i will go and drop it for you, ok. New Eve night, i sat in a room not even 20m big of mine, feeling an endlessly empty helplessness. From a noise of sweeping the floor, cleaning house for the end of a year to saying hello to friends arriving to the last dinner of a year, it made me feel tight, something stirred inside me that i don't know how to call. Teu opened doors exactly at five pm and his first words were: „New year or whatever i don't have anyone at my home."

Finished talking, he knew right away that he blew up, my room was dark, stupidly he looked at me through the light coming from my laptop screen, laughed and breathed deeply, sat down in the dark, all my important belongings in my house, bed covered with black sheets with cigarette burns. He laughed again, me laughing back nervously, he asked: „Should we have some now, sis?"

Night of 29 like that, without fuss and not complicated, me and the bubbling sound from methamphetamine, watching Tao quan together. Tao quan of year 2016 was a little weak. Using stimulants is just a kind of borrowing. Taking happiness from future into one night right at this moment. We play because we don't have tomorrow. We play because we just need to be together on this main night. We know better that it's just for few hours of hugging each other but the truth is when you are poor in love then a little warm is more than enough. It is wrong, it is wrong in a perfect way because it is a unity in mind from people who lost their mind. We are wrong, we regret but give us just one another night, another night after new year, another year again, another tomorrow with a day lightning up.