Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 26

I only got two living states, 0 or 100.

It's an absolute balance for me according to my own principles, but it's also the reason why people going through my life won't stay long because usually everyone lives around 50.Days, months and years when i was knocked out by sadness i only wanted to be left alone. The voices in my head arguing day and night, screaming at each other, fighting with each other, ramming into my nerves, stumbling across a brain neuron, my eyes always twitched. Myself, we need a time to mediate. Myself, we don't need anything besides the time, i don't need and don't have anyone beside myself.

I always knew that i could go back to 100, only i didn't knew at what time, what minute, what year but i could. People around me were caught by the usual cinematic thought and they had to drag me out of the house, go shopping, meet friends to make me happy. They could not bear even number 45 sadness. They don't understand, if i can't go to 0 then i can't go to 100 either, i need to be pulled back to be thrown up front.

Go out dude, you have to go on coffee, you have to talk to people. Go on internet less, don't watch any movies anymore, live in reality more, daydream less. Live like me, balanced, because there is only one way to live. Always having a hope is right, always have to recognize this and that. Have to get up everyday, go to the work, then go home and whine about work, and then do things to kill time to cover the time when you thought about killing yourself or killing everyone around you, that is how you do it. Living in life you need to have responsibilities, duties, laws, religion, respect and style but you still have to call it a free life do you understand, if you don't feel it, you're wrong. You don't listen, you don't understand what am i saying, you live selfishly, you have to pay attention for the feelings of those around you, get it?

Funny, i've been called as living emotional life all the time while i think i'm a very rational person. I knew for sure that i don't want to live. But that knowingness of not wanting to live, time being a big part, i split it completely with the things that i knew i had to do. I still breathed regularly, worked regularly, went to meetings regularly, simply because i realized that when i wanted one part to leave me alone, the only thing that i had to do was becoming that part. Do not affect others. I can die, just don't live in a shared house, go to mountains and jump down. A person with mental illness will never be considered a patient if it won't cause damage to people around. You are a dead body who knows how to walk and when you do it in that social reel then everything is fine.

So i had to become good again. A marks, i sat in the class eating KFC and nobody said everything. I made money to pay my rent every month, nobody asking me where do i always disappear to. Doing blog until nobody could scold me anymore because my fans would scold back „Can you do all the things like she did or is this just a blabber talk." I did everything good - only for one reason - i have found the recipe: Be the best = You can live like shit and nobody will say anything. Champion, valedictorian, whatever i do, as long as i'm left alone, leave me alone, leave me alone.

That's why i only got two living states, 0 or 100.

Irony with the forum that i set up, irony with the advancement career, irony with the compliments beyond the life that i've received, i got worse and worse.

For more than half a year i couldn't keep anything in my stomach, i was scared of the feeling that something is holding me down. I could feel every drop of water in my stomach, each creaking sound of acid meat bags. Mouth full of taste of regret. Living alone i ate nothing, living with others i would throw up everything. I lost fifteen kilos in a span of three months.

I didn't want to become skinny anymore, being skinny wasn't a goal, i didn't know what my goal is. I just wanted to become small, small forever, so small that i could bend myself more and more and then disappear. I was always cold, delusional, and dancing was almost like a faraway dream. And yet i kept going to 0 without even leaving a thought about how stupid it was.

I used more meditations than people with serious diseases. Sedatives, sleeping pills, depressants, weight loss pills and even stimulants. Everyday i ate one pill substituting for a meal, flushed it with few bottles of cheapest alcohol, my brain flabby like noodless. I lost the ability to control, i forgot everything, mistook my dreams with reality. The feeling at that time must haven been like living like a plant, hearing people walking in and out, holding hands and crying, but couldn't resist enough to open the eyelids.