Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 13

I am an addict and i will never be ashamed of that fact.

Everyone of us is addicted to something, it's just always a different thing in a different way. Being an addict is not a bad word we just always link this word with the images of needles under the bridge. „You can't try drugs even if it's just for one time" and so so.One cigarette addict will smoke a cigarette in two minutes. One heroin addict will inject himself two or three times a day. One shopaholic addict will buy things two or three times a day. One food addict, how many times will he eat in one day?

Let's take a food addiction for example, how do we tell a difference between normal, likes to eat or a food addict? That short line is thin and invisible drawn by the „experts" the people that we come to for advice for and sit there listening to them saying that we have a problem and paying them money for them to say those things. The biggest difference between food addiction and drug addiction is that the doctors will get more money from the second group.

We are consumers. Born without money and the will to choose but still had to buy things. Not buying clothes, not buying soap, do you know what would happen if you went out? You will be thrown out into a mental institution.

Eating disorder and self-harm i don't remember when it all started. It happened a long time ago and it already became a part of myself. I don't remember the last time that i had a normal meal or what a normal meal is like.

Before every my binge eat i start with bitting into the food that i would never allow myself to eat: sugar, fat, carbs. After that my unnourished body would switch on and i would go through all the drawers in my house, rip everything out, destroy everything, spend all the money on my credit card even when i know that i'm not able to pay for the things that i'm not allowed to. I would tell myself that i'm overflowed with a wave of sadness and that i need to bury every damaged hole so it would disappear. But after i'm done, after i have finished my food, i would realize what i've really done, the consequences that it will bring tomorrow and the weight of the food in my body will make me fall back. And i would lose control, i would be disgusted with myself and even disgusted at myself by losing control. And i would vomit, vomit everything to repair the damages that i've done and i have to punish myself over losing a control of myself.

Whenever i saw a movie or read a book where the main character has eating disorder i would get annoyed. Just like in reality, movies also only has two sides, black and white and based on my assumptions for one hundred percent the author had no idea what eating disorder is, the way of describing it is always stupid. It's always the rich white girls who have it, and it's also the idea that you can't gain weight no matter how much you eat, only the young people with lack of thinking have it and especially you just have to think positively and exercise regularly to be able to heal. The truth is, there is nothing more disgusting than this sickness. There is no book that will warn you about your teeths, that they will get eaten by the acid from your stomach turning black and then falling out three or four of them all at once. Nobody tells you that when you start to eat you won't be able to stop, it will become a reflex, you will go look around the kitchen to look for food and will even grab something that expired a few years ago only to have something to put into your mouth. Those things - when you eat and won't chew properly - when vomiting it will get stuck in your throat and you won't be able to breath and at that moment when you think that you will die from a piece of dry bread someone will find you in this situation, you lying on the bathroom floor next to a pool of vomit. Even the very real things like money will never get mentioned, you will spend all the money for food in one month alone, the amount that one family can eat for two months and then you won't have any money for your rent, for you bills for the dentist and then you have to pay for your psychiatrist sessions with a little hope of escaping this dumb life.

And i would cut my wrists, cut it, cut it, looking for the things inside of me that is making me being me, so i could rip it out, so i could experience something else besides the pain, even for a minute.