Lỗi - Error 404 - ENGLISH TRANSLATION - Plaaastic

Part 10

When someone says that they don't have anything anymore, it's just a talk! Everyone has something: a warm bed to sleep on, enough change to exchange for candies at supermarket, a nose that still sticks on their face. Their real meaning was that they feel like they are nothing. I for myself don't know what is worse, to not have anything or to be nothing but people who don't have nothing might sometimes still have something but once they feel like they are nothing then from that moment it just goes downhill only.

Not having anything but the least that they still can have is empathy , because they can only understand these real things.

That's why there are examples for real things like: „That family don't even have anything to put in their mouth", or „You are stilll damn lucky, there are a lot of people who have it worse", and they can't put a name on these mysterious characters that have it worse than everyone, expect for the children in Phillipines that you can often see on tv.

People that are nothing also has different names like being ungrateful, being blessed and not realizing that or simply being crazy. On behalf of this group i would like to say that we are very thankful for you making number 0 to feel like a negative. We were not born in Phillipines so we don't have the permission to suffer? This is the first time that i heard that suffering has to come with approval. We couldn't choose a place that we were born into like the way we couldn't choose the way to suffer. We are like this and if there is someone who is having it worse it doesn't make us suffer less. If you say it like that it's the same as saying that we don't have the right to be happy because someone in the world is more happy than you?

So sometimes i wish that i had cancer so everyone could see how sick i look.

This is not the reason why i started to harm myself, but the big reason for me to cut my hands everyday was to make me look sick from outside like i was in my mind. Cutting my hands wasn't the first option that i made when it came to self-harm. It started with my uncontrollable anger from which i often punched the wall, hit my head, kicked everything that was in my way. Little by little i realized that i wasn't relieved because of all the punching but because of the marks that i got on my body after. The pain made my brain feel awake and it also made my body sank to the same level as my tired head, so i was comfortable for a while. After that that self harm became a type with many reasons, it turned into an addiction. I thought that i was fat so i was wondering if i could take out my fat somehow. I was shaking with anxiety before my upcoming exams so i wanted to confirm to myself that there is nothing worse than passing out in a bathroom after losing blood, what's there to be scared of. I looked in the mirror wondering why is this body so weird, why am i here, why am i me? I couldn't stand all the questions so i tried to separate my mind from my body, getting out and going to somewhere that i was supposed to be. Where, and what to do to go back to somewhere, i had no idea but the only thing that i knew for sure without questions was: It's not here.

I like this story about a shepherd boy and a pack of wolves. Story about a boy who liked to lie, always running to the village screaming „The wolves are here!", and then laughing when the villagers run out and saw no wolves. He did it for three, four times until one day when a real pack of wolves came and he screamed for help but nobody came and it ended by the wolves eating all the sheeps.

I always thought that i would die that way.

So many pill receipts, many receipts to be admitted into hospital, many years living hating myself and still i was thinking that i am fine and i'm just exaggerating things. Everytime i called for help i always felt like i was a nuisance to everyone and that i would rather sit and sufffer all the seizures rather than call and invite someone for a coffee. I'm a burden.I'm a large burden compared to everyone around me and i always ask myself: „Why are they still friends with me?" When friends would ask me for a favour i always do everything i can to help them out. When friends are thanking me i always thought to myself oh my god, i'm so sorry, i hope that you will forgive me but everything that i'm doing for you right now can never me repaid by the things that you are about to do for me now. It's a selfish thought that makes me relaxed to make me feel that at least i'm still useful somehow.

The main difference between me and the shepherd boy is whenever i said: „I'm going to die", i really believed that i was going to die. I went mad and collapsed at least three times a week but there was never a time when it felt better than the last time. You might be thinking that i should get used to it after all this time right? But that's not it. Depression always stays at that one point. Everyone says that „Everything will get better", and sure, it will get better, not everytime is bad. But it will get better and then it will get worse and then it will be even worse and the worse might really be the best. You will never get used to that abyss feeling even if you know that tomorrow the day will be shining again. That thing is like a cloud covering a sunny day, there is no storms but the day is still cloudy.

Tomorrow is a new day. OK, and?

Tuan Jun once called my case: „Everytime is a last time in that time. „